50 I Remembers – Fifty feelings about Breast Cancer Diagnosis

In college, I took a class from Nancy Bayer, who had us write a chapbook on 50 I remembers in our life, so I give her credit here for the idea.  If you ever want to find out what’s going on in your brain; sit down and just pour out 50 I remembers.  It makes great holiday table discussions with family – NOT!!

1.  I remember the doctor calling and her voice saying I am sorry, it is cancer.  I was in a field walking my dogs.  Isn’t technology handy, it can bring news anywhere.

2.  I remember wondering who could I call now.  My Mom has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know me.

3.  I remember being so scared at the first appointment with the oncologist.  Where did my regular doctor go?  Who is this guy?

4.  I remember the weeks of recovering from the biopsy.  I remember the tears.  Twenty two hours of non stop bleeding.  Just apply pressure they said.  You don’t  need pain pills.  #$)*$ them.

5.  I remember the awareness of no more feeling in that breast, after the first lumpectomy.  It was a minor relief from the pain but a horror of the reality. No feeling?  Its been four months. What are unclear margins?

6.  I remember how kind the medical people were.  I constantly needed things repeated to me. No they didn’t get it all.

7.  I remember wondering if I would ever swim again.  My left arm didn’t work right.  Was this part of it?

8.  I remember wondering who would love me looking like this, and that was after surgery number one.  I should have waited until after surgery 3 to worry about that.

9.  I remember telling the surgeon he had given me the Wal-Mart version not the Nordstrom version.  It really didn’t matter because later he had to remove it all.  Rest In Peace Lefty.

10.  I remember teeth coming loose from  the removal of throat tubes when they pulled them out.  I am suppose to be ‘positive’ and not frightened with this.

11.  I remember taking the pills to keep the terror of fear at bay.  Now I don’t dare to  not take them.  Pills became my closest friend.

12.  I remember the feeling of estrogen in my body racing, feeding the cancer and the hope that the hormone blocker would work.  The verdict is still out.

13.  I remember surfing the web and reading what my future would be.  It was scary and good.  My sense of security, stability and confidence were imploded like the destruction of a building.

14.  Most of all I remember the stupid things people said to me.  I could write a whole book on this topic.  I release them and let it go. Others, like family, just stayed away.  It all hurt.

15.  I remember when I forgave myself.

I am not writing any more about this today because I can’t quit crying.



About Bonnie

Breast Cancer survivor owned by one old Shelty and a 3 pound Yorkie named Mimzy!
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