As the world begins grieving the Newtown, Connecticut shootings, I can’t help but think about the grief that will happen to all these people. When I was in the hospital, and met with a psychiatric social worker,( because I asked) she reminded me of Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s books on grief, which I knew of.
When I was young, my brother was killed in a terrible accident. It was quick, and he died on scene, and I won’t go into those details. I was informed when a woman I had met one time at a gathering at my brother’s knocked on the door. I wrote about it in my book, Pockets of Hope. Number 23 of my 50 I remembers. “I remember the woman at the door, who told me she was so sorry my brother died so horribly. I didn’t know.”
Its over 30 years later, and most of the shock and pain of that moment lives in my heart. Its something you can’t even wrap your head around. When delivered news of devastating impact, your body can block the shock leaving you in a vacuum type of aura. I imagine the black hole that struck Ryan Lanza when he heard that he was being identified as the shooter at that Newtown elementary school. He knew he was not there, that he was innocent. But his mother was dead, and many others, small children. Imagine the pain..the utter horror of the event unfolding and others thinking it was you!
Today, my cancer loss seems so simple. Its mine, and I walk my stages albeit slowly. The people and country will start to mourn the process of such a tragic loss. Be kind to those around you. This is reality! This is now, and the shock is very raw.
You cannot prepare for grief. No one processes it the same way.
- The basics are Isolation and Denial. I mean afterall …who wants to live in this situation. Get me out of here, and ‘run’ to the nearest exit. This is a time to be kind to loved ones.
- Anger: Oh this one is large, and may come and go; as can all the stages. They repeat themselves. No, not me! Not our family, God please revert us back to yesterday.
- Bargaining - I will do anything, anything to change this. Its not going to happen, but our heart pleads, begs, and cries.
- Depression: Reality bites, and the black cloud consumes you as you realize nothing is going to change the history. For me, with cancer this stage was very private, very painful and I was especially subject to flipping back to anger. I have known people who have lost children, and people say some of the stupidest things…..if in doubt, leave it out. The only good advice someone ever gave me and it refers to a lot of things in life. Shut up. First do no harm (take the medical oath and pretend to be a doctor). Just be there!
- Acceptance – Coping with loss is an ultimately personal and unique experience. Nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this stage. The best thing to do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you and let people help if they can. If they are not of help let them kindly know (its easier on you..be selfish) that you need to be alone for a bit.
If tears were dollars, I would be rich. Before all this cancer, I had probably not cried in years. Now it happens at least daily. But I have learned to ask for professional help. They are there. My advice is to search out and find help. For cancer patients its everywhere. Later I will list some links to sites for all types of help including financial, support groups….I am not much of a support group person but remember, friends and family are too emotionally involved with you, and they are not trained professionals. Get help. You will get through this earlier.
No, life won’t be the same. Nope. Natta. But life can be better in time, it can be fresh, and no person, or body part has to be gone forever. They live in your heart forever. And that keeps them alive!
Bonnie
