How can I help anyone else when i don’t even know how to help myself?
I haven’t felt like blogging. I haven’t felt like trying to cheer someone else up. I have just been having a pity party.
Well you ask, why are you doing that? I don’t know,,,I am depressed I know. They say its normal.
I have always had high expectations of myself. This arm not working right has pissed me off royal. Then there is the infamous worry if I am or am not going to start taking the tamoxifen. I thought I was,but the day came up and the bottle still sits on the counter.
This editor isn’t working right tonight either. Something keeps trying to get in the way of me posting! Lately I have felt like quitting the blog. I love twitter and spend a good deal of time over there. I wonder how much traffic is coming over here.
I am frustrated because I don’t have the answers. The answers to anything about cancer treatment. Everything is so ambiguous and not specific! I am an analyst and project manager by trade and I like things specific. I like them neat and tidy. I like to know what my deliverables are, when they are due and how to do them. I am angry over my lack of control over my measly little life.
And…my mother was just moved into hospice care. So on top of everything else with this breast cancer I get to deal with her actually dying. and that my friend, is a long convuluted story about how I came to lose my mother two years ago to dementia and to an insane brother who is a control freak. It must run in the family.
Only I had all those years with her. All the years I listened to her complain, about this and that. All the while not understanding that she really had an underlying disease that she was trying to cover up. Now I understand why she did that. She sure as heck didn’t want her kids knowning something was wrong because they might put her somewhere!!! Which is exactly what happened. Her worst nightmare came through. And what is even worse, is the little trick life has played on her. There is nothing wrong with her body except she keeps getting smaller and smaller. Yesterday she turned 88. She has quit eating. I told her on the telephone she needed to eat. She said there food stinks. She said if I would bring her car she would get out of here and never come back. She wants to go home to Idaho, where she was when my brother moved her to Seattle area. This is not home.
I have little I can do to help her or myself. That might not be true. I can help myself…one step at a time.
I planted tons and tons of flowers today and yesterday. I want my home brightened up out on the deck and the back yard. I don’t have much money but these small things bring me such joy.
I want to help, but I don’t know where to go. I want to be a part of something but I don’t know where to go. I don’t know who I am after having this cancer. I know what I can do professionally. Personally I am at a loss.
I think I am going a little nuts here. I think oh no…its happened again: 
Oh no.
