Surviving breast cancer is hard enough. Then you get to figure out what to wear. What to wear you say? Yes, cause everything hangs or pulls, or looks sunk in. Sexy eh?
Do I have reconstructive surgery?I said no. But now that I am trying to have some fashion in my life I am reconsidering! I mean, my life has turned into a dressing fiasco!
Imagine if you are trying to look ‘put together.’ For so many months, I have looked like I have been run over by a train. No wonder the American Cancer Society has this program, Look Good Feel Great! Well that program is alot about makeup and hair, learning to use wigs and scarves and such. If you had any doubts about that you look bad, its reinforced by an actual free class in “Please Fix Yourself Up”.
Well nobody said anything about how uneven your clothes will appear afterwards. I cannot for the life of me wear this prosthesis thing. I hate it. Okay, I know I should change my attitude about it. But how would you like to wear an eleven pound plastic blob hanging in front of you that makes you sweat like …like I don’t know what. Now the weather has changed and gotten warmer its worse. And it shifts! I was in the store the other day and I looked down, and oh my god the thing was working its way up my chest and out of my shirt! This guy standing next to me at Safeway made eye contact with me. His eyebrows went up in horror and disbelief. I wanted to crawl in a HOLE! Instead I just reached in and shoved it down. oh well.
I have to tell you about my Aunt Nancy. She succumbed to breast cancer last May 30. She was a character and a wonderful person. She had it off and on for 30 years. But one summer hot day she was out in the garden and she was wearing this prosthesis thing (I didn’t know anything about cancer back then) and it fell out. She picked it up and to my horror she threw it in the blackberry bushes. She had finished with it. She never wore one again. I totally understand what she did now.
Another time I was taking clothes out of the dryer and it got stuck on the dryer door and as I stood up it ripped my shirt and bra and the ‘thing’ plopped out on the floor!!! I have to take a picture of this so you guys can see it. I bought it at Nordstrom and they supposedly fitted it. Its to big, to perky and to heavy! My original that is left is a low rider sort of flat thing now. I always liked them before but all of a sudden everything has gone south. I always wanted to go south…just not there. However on the other hand, its convenient because it is so flat it doesn’t show much if I don’t wear the prosthesis and just go without.
I know alot of you cannot even understand this, and I am making light of it. What else is a girl to do? I guess explore plastic surgery. But to do that, I will have to remove the other one so I get two that match. There is no point in having one nice shaped one and the other hanging like a swinging pendulum. Oh this is hard to decide but is there a decision really? How am I to go back to work. Well work is another story. I now have nine other conditions besides the cancer. When I look at it all I just want to go back to bed. Dealing with the diabetes has been the most difficult. At least it doesn’t eliminate body parts….but no, that is not true either. anyway that’s another life …I don’t want. I take that back, the left arm not working is the worst of it. Its stuck to my chest wall some how. PT can’t change that. Another surgery might help. Gee something to look forward to!
I hate all this. I am so self conscious about it. And yes I am grateful I am alive. Today was a great day and I feel good but there is always something. If one more person tells me I should be grateful, I might give them my prosthesis right there on the spot!
I started the tamoxifen and its definitely a delightful drug. One should be living in Antarctica to take this medicine. You would not need a heavy parka or hat. It keeps you plenty warm.
Well never fear. I have not lost my sense of humor. Instead I am dragging out the sewing machine and seeing if I can make some camouflage outfits of some sort. A very nice designer in New York city sent me 12 designs he created. They are very flexible. All made for women with one breast, left or right gone it doesn’t matter. So when you see me going down the road with ruffles all down one side only, you will know that I have been designed by one of the top NY designers in the world!!
I will be a fashionesta!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will take pictures and post them in a few days.
Good night. Sweet dreams! I have two boobs in all my dreams.
Bonnie
