I had an interesting experience today. Something I had not thought would happen. I filled out a volunteer application and I got called to discuss my application. I am thinking…I am ready to propel forward and get going with my life. I am now ten months out from surgery and doing well, NED, and planning to be alive!
The manager asked me to take a seat and asked if I would like caffeine free herbal tea or a light decaf coffee without soy. Nobody has ever said anything like that to me. I sat down, and I said no thank you I am fine.
She took her seat and folded her hands in her lap and looked directly at me and said she was going to jump right into the subject because she wanted me to understand. “The thinking is this: you need some time to process and digest your own experience before you can help others as much as possible. She told me I needed to do and finish my own work before doing other work.
I was stunned. I thought I was ready to volunteer. She said how many counseling treatments have you sat through? How many other survivors have you talked with and not lost your temper? How many of them do you think are stupid? OUCH! Do you still attend support group meetings? Can you look in the mirror and feel good?
She told me they have a policy at this agency to not hire anyone without being one and half years away from treatment. She said it was ok. That I am doing exactly what I should be doing and not skipping anything is optimum for my own health as well as her organization’s successful ability to thrive.
Earlier this week I had been turned away from Team Northwest also. They said no, you have to be at least 12 months out.
So tonight I self analyze. What do I need to do? Financially I need to go back to work. How do other survivor/s do this? How have they done this? I thought volunteering would be easy!!!! Gosh that is giving your time away free…they didn’t even want that. They think I am not ready.
Hmmmmm here comes that picture in my life again and I stand here scratching my head!
So what’s the plan you say? What do you suggest? Tomorrow I am going to start the new pool in Redmond. I need to get off my butt and go do it. It will be three weeks Friday since I swam.
So …more swimming. Maybe more reading. Finish my project management certification. Have trust and faith in the process. The money will come from somewhere…..for now..its back to the drawing board and just healing.
Did I mention my Mom died from dementia/old age this month? Also my good friend Lee died unexpectedly last Saturday. I need to rethink all this I suppose! Gee………..can’t life cut us some slack here. It does feel like life has become a rollercoaster and I am just hanging on. Numbed out I guess. Ok then. Somebody throw me a bone before I fall down the hole of Alice in Wonderland. Oh yes, that is going to happen when the federal government cuts off my check because the gov’t has ‘partially‘ shutdown!! Next week!
Next: The things I am learning from cancer.
