8 weeks post mastectomy surgery today! Cancer gone, body still feels like crap most evenings which is better than all day long. Good days though!
Now what. God in her infinite wisdom has placed me in uncertainty.
The emotions after cancer are difficult to focus. What is the meaning of this. Is this the end of a journey or a new beginning? This creates emotion in a person. I think emotion, creates Motion.
I have just felt so grateful the past two months. Now that emotion has settled down (it was huge and overwhelming) what does all this mean? I don’t know if grateful is absolutely the right word. There are over 6,000 emotions according to the National Psychiatry Association…of which less than 12 are about good feelings. I think I am feeling good feelings now, I have felt pretty numb for awhilet.
I think now more than before, I feel the need for connection and love. And I want to love more than the two dogs! LOL Although they are pretty hard to beat. Those little girls have been with me through thick and thin this year. They had to sacrifice too, and I am busy rewarding them now with long walks, although they have to wait for me sometimes. I let them both on the bed and rub them like crazy, and give them hugs and kisses and it makes them both wiggle in delight. After five months of not coming near me, they are back. There’s nothing like little dog sensitive noses and cancer. The dogs hate it! They wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. Talk about alone, I felt abandoned by even the dogs.
But now I am moving on to a new target, and new map. What is my map? What do I want to do with my time?
Well, I signed up to go back to school and get a degree in Health Information, through WGU. I can finish in one year. I felt compelled to get into something right away, because I can always finish it and have something firm in my hand, that was completed. I finished my paralegal degree and it only took six weeks to figure out I disliked doing that.
I think I have the need to contribute to something beyond myself. Do you know what I mean? Last year, I worked in Spokane with juvenile kids in the court, and I loved that. Working with lawyers in an office, puke…did not love that, and do not love business law.
Cancer has prompted me to focus. When you face death, it does that to you. You realize now is the time to give your all. What does that mean? Serve somebody else.
Focus on meaning. Thinking. And the door shall be opened.
Meanwhile, now don’t laugh but I signed up to work for the IRS to do senior income taxes. Its only Jan – April, 15th. But maybe by then I will have a plan and if not, that’s okay to. Is it the end or the beginning?? 
Bonnie
