How is it, that some songs from 30 years ago will stick in your head and replay themselves when you want to sleep? And other times, I can’t remember any of the words. Why does the brain do that? And I want to know how our brains are so much like computers, or is it the other way around? Whoever developed the computer must have thought alot about how the brain works.
I have this song in my head going round and round, and I am trying to figure out how to get rid of it. The song is “Sunday Sunday” I think, probably from the 70s…Sunday Sunday you’ve been so gooooood to me…on Sunday Sunday la lalalala. I don’t get enough of the words to clearly make sense but the tune is there running through my head.
Last night I had trouble sleeping. I can get to sleep, but I cannot stay asleep. Its that old bladder thing that makes you get up, and then I cannot go back to sleep. that’s really rude. I tried not drinking anything after six pm, like I use to do with my kids when they were being night trained; but it doesn’t work. I just get thirsty and wake up.
My main thought is its a combination of taking vitamins to late in the day, or the fact this physical therapy is moving things around and I feel better most of the time. Other times the exercises just creep me out. I hate moving skin on my incision site. Its creepy and makes me feel sick to my stomach. The lymph fluid stuff has gone way down. That’s great, but wearing this compression garment is so hot!!! Thank god it is winter, because surely I couldn’t tolerate this in the winter.
My whole body is rebelling against this exercise program. I feel like my back is going out from flexing and holding my shoulder blades back. Well my whole system is out of whack because I have a body part missing, that actually weighed quite a bit and it has to adjust.
This week is oncology week so I am a little nervous. Its my three month checkup and I already did the blood work. Talk about pray, bargain, deal……………no more ‘c’ please. Good results I hope!
Now almost everyone I know is going through something or another this year. I cringe when they tell me. And, I am glad it is not me, and that makes me feel bad I think that way, but I have just had enough this round. It must be that good old catholic guilt.
I just want to find that center place of peace and happiness. So each day I choose to be happy ( and then there is the dog that threw up right as we were going out the door this morning) and try to keep that happy attitude. My program coordinator says I am doing fantastic. She says its normal to grieve. Well, I am ready to be done with that too but that doesn’t seem how it works. She asks me if I am depressed, and I tell her what the heck do you ask me that for when you just said I was doing fantastic. Obviously I am not doing fantastic.
Depressed, who wouldn’t be. Thankful, grateful, and sometimes happy is the best I can do right now. Nervous about the future, a little bit. I need to go back to work before I drive myself bonkers. So I am going to make a plan, write down the plan, and figure out some milestones so I make a little progress. Left, right, left right, all around the town. Spring will get here and that surely will help.
I think I need a vacation, and I think that will go on my plan. Life is short, no one will ever remember how long or how much you worked when you are gone.
Cheers! Here is to a solid, good day on this side of the grass!
Bonnie
