Journaling, or blogging helps me to focus on my innermost thoughts. It fosters my own coming to terms with this cancer. The cancer may be gone, but the emotional and physical feelings, and feelings of anxiety and fear last long after the appointments, surgery, and support groups have ceased. I suppose one could go on forever to support groups, but there is this sense of wanting to move forward.
I was one of the lucky ones, ‘they’ say. They got my cancer. Cut it out. Threw it out in the trash, as they would say. Then ‘they’ planted a seed that it may re-occur. I will address that here. I have spent three months thinking about this, meditating, deep breathing…
Ultimately, I cannot control if the cancer will return. I can control how much I let fear affect my life. I can be active, especially these first six months after my surgery and practice new life choices. Here I am, at the crossroads. You all remember my little cartoon character, with the two guys looking at the fork (literally) in the road. I have choices to make. Choices I believe can keep cancer away. Does anybody really change? Yes I think so.
But change doesn’t happen without a lot of pain and fear. I have had plenty of that. Now its up to me to make good choices. Good choices for nutrition, for losing weight (which will or can, rid me of type two diabetes), exercising regularly and just plain old living my life one day at a time. Can I do it? Can I focus, let go, and make change?
I truly do not know. I can only try. One step at a time.
Worrying never did anyone any good. I don’t really worry a great deal. I have a strong faith. I practice my faith with prayer, meditation and I volunteer. In the past I have not been a strong member of any church. Faith and going to church are two separate things in my mind. But I do have a strong faith and core beliefs.
The thing I have to REMEMBER, is that I don’t have to do everything at once. I am doing the things that make me happy and keep me healthy today. I caught myself today feeling happy, and I jolted myself and was stunned that I was actually feeling happy. An old friend called me, that had avoided me during this whole thing and I found myself welcoming the call and the conversation. Months back, I was upset with him for just disappearing. I realize now, people do what they can do and sometimes, they cannot do. I just accept them where they are at. I let it go…
So I am going to be gentle, and kind with myself as I heal both physically and emotionally. I am going to forgive myself for all my past mistakes and move on. I am going to stay informed about myself and my medical care needs. I will talk about it with people. I will ultimately make my own choices. But I don’t have to do it all today.