The best part of my life is not behind me, I believe it is in front of me. Older and wiser, certainly after the experience of having breast cancer. Many times in my life, I have not told myself the truth. Or, like many of you perhaps, we choose to live in denial.
But living in denial can rob us of truly living today. Cancer gave me the gift of getting to know myself. I have heard from countless patients, how their family was not there for them when they were diagnosed or during treatment. I am glad I do not stand alone. I will not take it personally. People do what they do. I do what I do. I learn from my past and move forward…always moving forward. It doesn’t do alot of good looking back unless you learn something.
Next week is the big five month check up. I have been rather nervous about it. The feelings started sneaking in about a week ago. Feels like the grim reaper is lurking somewhere. Get out I tell it. I have no time for you! Its negative, and I fight to push it away. So I am coming to a decision point.
The truth of the matter is, I had cancer in two places. Not just one. I had invasive cancer. But neither cancer area had spread beyond the breast. But what caused the cancer in the first place? I am just a computer person and I don’t understand all this medical jargon, and analysis. I have spent endless hours researching treatment, medications, and I tried the Arimidex for nine weeks. That sucked.
However, I pay this oncologist to tell me what to do. Then I should probably do it. I could search out a second opinion, but why? So I could get the same thing or worse diagnosis? I just want to run away and pretend it didn’t happen. But I can’t do that either. It is a constant reminder nagging physically on my left side, scar tissue clinging to the left arm stuck tight against the chest, not allowing me to lift the arm. To much tissue is left under the left arm. Oh it isn’t a pretty site but…but but but…I am alive, and people keep telling me to be grateful.
It isn’t that. Its the stark realization of my life. And it scares the shit out of me. I don’t want it to be over, and I don’t want to suffer either.
I would much rather think about the sun. Think about and play with my new little kitty. I selected the kitten with one eye, that was born on the day my first surgery was performed. The surgery that removed the invasive cancer and possible saved my life, for now anyway. I named the little guy Mason. After the hospital I had my surgery in. The building I stayed up all night long in, staring at the streets of Seattle as the rain drizzled down and the street people wandered the night. I didn’t know how to sleep with the drain tubes in so it was safer to just stay awake and look out at the city.
So….my cat has his own You Tube Video!! How about that. He lost his eye when the big tom cat beat him up when he was little. Seems fitting I would have a cat with one eye named Mason. We are all a little less than whole in this house but we all have big hearts, determination and an inherent desire to survive and thrive!
Welcome Timmy Mason to my family. I will enjoy him. Now I have to go find him, because he is hiding under the bed. But when I go in there, he is curious and climbs up on the bed…way down at the end…and then he rolls over and kind of flirts with me…like he is saying “maybe this home will be a safe place for me…and she will love me”. Yes, I think she will.