I suppose I have used avoidance as a behavior…yet again. I am avoiding the thoughts and feelings associated with the caniversary I think they call it. The one year anniversary after diagnosis. It’s coming and I think the date was August 4th. It was July 27th when I got laid off my job and went and had the infamous mammogram that assigned my destiny for the foreseeable future.
In ten days I have my oncology appointment. I have already done all the blood work. Looking at the test results I can’t see anything that screams out at me but then I don’t know what I am looking at. I can see my diabetes is out of whack but that isn’t anything new. My numbers have been high since December. I am doing what I can. My new regime of exercise includes two hours a day of swimming; a good long walk and plenty of play time with the dogs.
Stress…avoid stress is what I am told. Life…just being here is filled with stress. How are you suppose to avoid that? Well I have for the most part. I just make my health a priority. I am eating well.
But why didn’t I do this before? Why does it take a catastrophe to get us to wake up? Do you need one to wake you up? I hope not.
Living in denial is not a good place to live. I am trying not to go there but some days I just need a break.
And I can only take things on so much. I don’t remember alot of things and I am just learning to accept that and move on. It could have been because of stress. It could just be so much anesthesia I have mush brain. That’s why going to school has helped so much! I have to activate this brain. Some days it is so difficult. My courses are very technical and in an area I have never studied before! That is good for me because I am using my brain.
I am taking computers apart, replacing parts, testing them and doing it over again. I find this very therapeutic! LOL I have told everybody that I will fix things for free just to get some experience. You shouldn’t tell people that. You should charge them an arm and aleg and then and only THEN…do they believe you are capable of doing it! Otherwise they stand around and look around your shoulder which is totally annoying!
The other thing I have been doing is trying to do art projects. I have sewed some. I have been drawing alot. I have filled up notepads! I have drawn tumors, I have drawn mastectomies….and I have communicated with alot of people online. I have met so many wonderful people fighting this cancer thing! People that just live today! What a testimony. I feel like a slacker when I look at them. But then I think, whoa – give yourself some credit here. You had four surgeries and finally lost your left breast. I tried so hard to hang on and save it. Wow, do I have Elizabeth-Kubler Ross issues or what?
Well………..instead of work through my grief today; I need to do homework. (avoidance? right) Monday is my big exam and I need to pass this. I can do it. But I have to study the rest of the weekend. This will give me a sense of accomplishment. And I need some wins in my life right now.
We all need wins! Go out and help someone else have a win today! You will be a winner because of it.
BONNIE IS THE WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go have a good day! Enjoy this glorious thing called summer!
