Good Morning my dear readers!
The weather has so been so beautiful and warm that I just have not sat down and attended to my blog or to twitter. I apologize. Sometimes it is just nice to forget about cancer and treatment and live in the glorious moments of the sun.
Summer makes for times of dreams. Time for fun and eating outside and meeting with friends if not only for a beer on the deck at the Edmond’s Tavern watching the ferry come and go. Seattle has a pull charm about it in the summer time. Spring comes early here and usually summer does not come in like it did this year. This year it came early and hot with blooming flowers and grasses (ug allergies) more abundant than I have seen in years.
Or is it just because I view the beauty with different eyes? A friend and I had a good discussion this week about what we want to accomplish in our lifetime. Hmmm that takes on a whole new twist once you have been diagnosed with a disease that may eventually take your life. Yes, I have discussed that sense of urgency to accomplish everything, have all the discussions with loved ones…but that has faded pretty much now…the sense of urgency.
Now I am more living in the now. This day, this place and this conversation. Because do we really get more than that? Perhaps not. Back to my lady friend: I have become more I think passive observant than I have in the past. She is ten years older than me and just recently retired. She talks about when she is ninety how will she feel and will she only have hung around the club house and talked with the other ladies and did gild activities. Whoa! I stopped her right there.
I said what makes you think you are going to get ninety? Well my parents did! This place does not come with a guarantee nor does it have a warranty. The only guarantee you get in this life is that it might turn on a dime. I have stopped living my life in tomorrow. I do plan for things maybe just not that far out.
And my point with my friend became: what are the gifts we have that we can use now to somehow add meaning and value to our life and the lives of our community, our world? I know I would have liked to have had some kind of legacy when I am gone.
I have watched myself walk through the stages of grief. By this I mean being kind to myself and realizing that it is necessary to go through these stages….one step at a time. And no one can walk this journey or tell me what I will feel or that my feelings are wrong. Or right. But I did point out to my friend, from my observation, she is not using her gifts or taking for granted that she would always have time to use those gifts. This might not be so. And even if it is, it is no excuse not to use those talents now.
Oh I procrastinate myself. I know. But now being faced with a body that doesn’t work so well, that has slowed me down to face the fact I cannot physically do what I did before; I dislike it. I don’t want to be robbed of time, of quality and of accomplishing what I came here to do. Whatever you believe in spiritually we all have a connection to something. Becoming aware of that connection takes many people till late in their years. But like I told my friend, the time is now. I get that more than ever.
Over the years I have drawn and color penciled several pictures. One of them I am told, still hangs in a friends office. Its a picture of him and his orange Volkswagen Bug. I don’t remember all the details of the picture I drew 20 years ago. I am just so happy he still has it. I wonder what symbol it means for him? When I drew it for him, was a time in my life when I was the happiest I have ever been. The little orange car would come cruising into my driveway in the late afternoon and my heart would fill with the most wonderful feelings of happiness.
But the car for him meant freedom. A time of moving into a new space from a very dark space. He was launching forward out of a bad relationship, and parent problems into a new age for him. Unfortunately the age he was going into, I was coming out of. He went off to have a family with a younger woman. And that was his work to do at that time. Twenty years later, that orange bug has driven back into my heart again. What were the odds of that?
Do we believe in fate? Do we believe in the solstice? Do we believe in connections that are boundless? I think so. I think all happens in the time that it is suppose to.
I look forward in life to what will be, whatever that is. I have faith and spirituality that what is meant to be will unfold. And I look forward with an open heart and an open mind. Because life is the best gift of all.