Good evening: Following my rants of anger are some great poems by James Kavanaugh that give me great comfort.
Of the five stages of grief, anger is the one I haven’t really felt at a gut wrenching feeling until today.
I am angry at people, the world, at God, at the imperfections of Science, at Art, at everything. I am angry at my own body. I am angry at myself for wearing it out. I am angry at how my body looks.
I am angry at not knowing what to do next. I angry at people telling me what to do. I am angry that this happened to me.
I am so angry.
$#)(*)(* CANCER!
and I am sick of people telling me to be grateful, to not be angry, to get my life together, to forget it and move on, and to have to make a new life at this stage.
I miss Barry. I wonder what he would say to me? “Welcome to my world.” “I didn’t want to leave either”.
The good thing about emotions are, that I know this feeling will pass too. Maybe I will just go to bed and wake up ‘different’. I am angry so many friends have had to go through this also.
Oh can I reach into my soul and find something to feel good about? I think I need a vacation. Is that in the cards? I doubt it. The one thing you can count on about cancer is that it uses up all your money and resources.
Okay maybe tomorrow will be better. Look for the rainbow, right? Yea, look for the rainbow. Maybe I will start with the moon eclipse at midnight. a friend of mine said that you should only cut your hair when there is a full moon. I might try that myself. I wonder what I would look like. Hmmmmmmmm probably not good. Should let the hairdresser do it.
Running away…keeps crossing my mind.
There are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves
“There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who prey upon them with IBM eyes
And sell their hearts and guts for martinis at noon.
There are men to gentle for a savage world
Who dream instead of snow and children and Halloween
And wonder if the leaves will change their color soon.
There are men to gentle to live among wolves
Who anoint them for burial with greedy claws
And murder them for a merchant’s profit and gain.
There are men to gentle for a corporate world
Who dream instead of Easter eggs and fragrant grass
And pause to hear the distant whistle of a train.
There are men to gentle too live amount wolves
Who devour them with appetite and search
For other men to prey upon and suck their childhood dry.
There are men to gentle for an accountant’s world
Who dream instead of Easter eggs and fragrant grass
And search for beauty in the mystery of the sky.
There are men to gentle too live among wolves
Who toss them like a lost and wounded dove
Such gentle men are lonely in a merchant’s world
Unless they have a gentle one to love.”
James Kavanaugh
UNAFRAID TO BE FREE
“Finally unafraid to be free,
Ready to surrender all the illusions of
recognition and external securities,
Living off the sky and earth like soaring
eagles and braying burros,
Trusting in a Power even beyond Dow Jones
and hoarded retirement.
Finally ready to live like the noble animal that I am-
Without masters or servants, with dignity dependent on no one,
Content to know that I am God’s child, and
only good has been prepared for me.
When I am not afraid to release all that my life
and culture taught me to prize.
To abandon fears once and for all, to discard the
anxieties of a lifetime like a suit that no longer fits,
To be afraid of no one, beholden to no one,
dependent on no one
Save the few who know and love me as I am,
and the God Who alone gives meaning and joy
to the madness of my life.”
James Kavanaugh
