The Tree of Cancer

Okay so the week just raced by!  I After PT on Wednesday, I couldn’t hardly move yesterday.  Ug, the , incision is just stuck again.

I think I do better without formal PT.  I was doing so good on Wednesday and even today Friday; just plain sucks.

Outside of that, I have been trying to catch up on my schoolwork. The old brain is not what it used to be, but it is coming around.

My energy is back pretty much, but when I feel that, I don’t sleep well.  All part of the healing process; advance a little, fall back in other areas.

I won a trip for two! That was the big  news.  A trip for two to New York City.  At first I thought it was  a hoax, and I was upset I had to pay the sales tax on it up front!  Gees, talk about not free.  But it is three nights and four days at the Roosevelt Hotel (which is a la deluxe), airfare, airport transport in a limo, and Broadway tickets to some play I never heard of but its probably good.  I paid the tax today and I am taking a good friend in September. It will take me at least that long to save some spending money.  But it should be fun!

I really want to visit the World Trade Center site.  I heard its very spiritual and wonderful.  I had been there in 1988 but haven’t been back since.  While I am there, I am going to visit some publishers and see if I can market my book (of course I have to finish, but September gives me some time).

So things are looking up.  Several friends on twitter have asked me about how I deal with fatigue.  I decided it would be the topic for the weekend. I have some great ideas from a tv show I have been watching (Sit and Be Fit) and using the Wii or the Xbox and dance your troubles away.  More on all that tomorrow.

Have a great weekend!  Its sunny in Seattle!

Bonnie

It’s Wednesday.  Wednesday is travel to downtown Seattle to the big Virginia Mason hospital and go to physical therapy.  Oh boy!  I actually do see progress.

They use these little tools, little measuring tools to measure the progress, or lack there of that you made in the last week.  I really did try this week to make some progress.  For the most part, I did the exercises I was told to.  My arm cannot go backwards at all or out.  By this I mean if you put the thumb on the hand up and the arm out to my side at a right angle, I cannot go any farther back than the side of my body.  Its maddening, but it doesn’t hurt. The arm is just stuck.

Today I can raise the arm, I think it was from 97 degrees to 112 degrees.  So there was some progress. That amounts to about three more inches I think upwards, in front of me.  It went about five degrees more backwards, which is only about 1 inch.  But that is good progress for a shoulder that was ‘frozen’.    And, I am getting stronger.

I have not been able to get up on my left side, like to roll out of bed. Forget it, the left side is almost like I had a stroke.  The right side is over compensating, buy hey, it works I can get up.  So the therapist decided to see if I could get up off the massage table to the left. No )$)(*$ way.  Well after two unsuccessful attempts, and I am getting nervous because I don’t want to hurt myself.   Well I finally made it up.  The therapist decided I cheated because I put my foot under the edge of the table and pulled myself up.  Hey! That’s what I do on the right side anyway.  Oh oh, she made me do it again.

To night I am so sore, I went back on ibuprofen.  Wow, but I did it.

Overall, the arm is doing pretty good. I can move side to side. I can now go to the store, and hold my purse in my left hand and open the car door.  I still cannot pull the driver’s door closed without having a rubber rope on the door handle to pull with my right hand.  You should see how I do going through the drive thru window. I can’t reach to get anything.  I think this is nature, telling me not to eat JUNK food!! LOL

I have to go buy a rubber ball, or two, and start rubbing them across my mastectomy incision to break up scar tissue.! Gee, don’t you wish you were me?

Oh well, it is all good.  I am here.  Anything on this side of the grass is good.  People hate it when I say that.

  Have a nice night.  I dream of being able to move again.

Make sure you do it today.

You can do anything, but not everything. ~ David Allen

Okay, so I didn’t get around to finishing this yesterday, but maybe it provoked some thoughts in all of you.  That I guess, is a secondary objective to my site.  Provoke some thought.  Maybe out of that will come action, education, and paying it forward.  I don’t know. Maybe its all a bunch of hog wash.  Oh oh, there goes the “Duck Dynasty” in me.

When you get a major illness in your life, you do a good amount of reflection, asking why, asking yourself why an then why not.  Did I do everything I came to do?  What else do I want to do?  Do I care?  One does not have alot of time to waste on Do I care, best to fly over that one and get on with some activity that in the least, will make you laugh.

I feel numb.  That’s the state I am in.  Numb.  I think I will go to the store and buy some orange juice cause I think I am getting a cold.

The above title, is what I think I am going to call the book I am writing.

I have no hope, no advice today.  Left right, left right; all around the town.

Bonnie

My frozen shoulder has brought me to physical therapy, (or torture whichever you prefer but it does bring good results).  The following are suggested exercises for getting your arm working after having mastectomy.  A very important thing to do, so you avoid frozen shoulder which is what I am dealing with now!  These are easy, do them very slowly and follow the instructions as best you can.  The whole key here is to get moving.  I can proudly announce today that I am back in my pre-surgery size 14 jeans comfortably and loving it.

Exercise #1:  Lift both your arms to equal height (however high the weakest one will go) and wave bye bye with wrist movement as you lift the arm.   This really is effective after a few days for improving movement.  My arm still however will not go up!

Exercise #2:  Lie on your back with arm at your side relaxed.  Grasp wrist with opposite hand.  Use the opposite arm to help lift the arm straight up over your head as far as possible keeping elbow straight.  Hold five seconds.  Assist the arm back to the side in the same manner.  Begin with five repetitions and work up to ten.  Perform 2 times a day.

Exercise #3:  Shoulder circles.  With a slow smooth motion, move both shoulders at the same time making as large a circle as possible.  The shoulders should go as far up, back and down as possible. DO NOT do forward rolls.  Begin with 10 repetitions and work up.  Twice a day is optimum.

Exercise #4:  Lean on the edge of a table with uninvolved arm and allow the involved arm to hang freely.  Let hanging arm swing lossely forward, backward and side to side, and in a circle, both clockwise and counter clockwise.  Repeat 10 times twice daily.  This exercise has shown the most return I think and is so easy. I lean on the sofa arm while standing, I do it outdoors when I walk the dog and when I am just standing!

Exercise #5:  Isometric Retraction:  Start by standing with your back to a wall, hips and shoulders lightly touching and feet a few inches out from the wall.  Arms are slightly out from the sides with palms forward.  Press the backs of your hands against the wall.  Hold 5 seconds.  Slowly release.  Repeat 10 times as able.  Twice a day

Exercise #6  Wall Push Up:  Stand facing the wall with arms fully extended and hands on the wall BELOW shoulder height.  Lower body towards the wall by bending elbos in a controlled manner.  Maintain neutral spine (relax)  Keep upper shoulders relaxed.  Return to starting position, and repeat with 10 repetitions and work up to 30.  This one is hard!!

The following exercises are done with a tubing, a thin spaghetti like flexible band!    These are for week three and beyond.

Exercise #7  Stand facing the door holding tubing in hands with elbows straight. Keep shoulders back and down and pull in the abdominal muscles.  Pull tubing toward waist keeping palms facing each other.  Hold 1 second.  Slowly return to starting position.  Begin with 10 and work up to 30 reps!  Perform this once a day!

Exercise #8:  Stand with hands shoulder width apart and elbows bent at side to 90 degree angle.  You can put a towel rolled slightly under the effected arm on the inside of the elbow.  Begin with the elastic held at  slight tension.  Tighten abdominal muscles and squeeze shoulder blades down and back.  Pull the elastic apart keeping elbows at sides and wrists in neutral position.  Begin with 5 reps and work up to 10.  Do this twice a day.

An easy exercise to do when going out (like sitting in a movie) is to begin by sitting in a chair.  Bend your elbows and keep them tucked in at your sides.  Press elbows back into the chair back.  Hold five seconds and release.  Repeat up to 10 reps.  This is fun and you can even do it while you are out at dinner and nobody will know you are exercising!  Lots of benefits to that, therapy continues anywhere!

Anyone can do these exercises to strengthen their body.  The weakest surgery patient can start them gently and early.  Well I better say goodbye for today, and go do my exercises too! Have a great day and a Healthy Life!

Bonnie

Spring, can it be on the way? Today it was nearly 65 degrees in cloudy Seattle.  A sign of spring with out the sun rays.

Have you ever noticed, or is it just me since I have had this breast cancer; that breasts are everywhere?  And people are talking about them everywhere from cancer to Victoria Secrets 2 Million dollar bra.  It’s all about breasts.  It makes me very self conscious.  And then I think, but no body knows.  Nobody can really tell, unless you tell them.  I mean really, how many people see you naked in your lifetime anyway?  Let alone at 60!!!!!!!!!!  LOL  Maybe it isn’t so bad afterall.

But all the fashion ads, reveal cleavage!  At the Oscars, its all about cleavage.  Oh, that is just California.  Everybody from California is obsessed about what is all on the outside.

Even breast plastic surgeons are promoting breast reconstruction.  Have you ever thought about this? I never had before.  They can construct you a new breast by removing that fat (yes that stuff you didn’t want anyway beneath your belly button) from one area and transferring it to the new ‘breast’ area.  At first I was kind of excited. Wow, I would get a tummy tuck out of this too, and all included in one price for the after mastectomy breast reconstruction!

What they fail to tell you up front is that you will never feel this breast. When you think about it, well how could you? Just because they put fat inside a flap of skin…well you are not going to feel it. It will be numb an just a thing hanging in the front of you.  You can never exercise to make it better, it is fake.  There is no getting around it, it is just fake.  It is never going to be sexually stimulating to you personally, like a real one is sensuous.

I think the whole thing is stupid.  Undergoing another surgery and all the pain and then it still won’t look real unless you make the other one match.  oh boy, yes sure, you betcha….yet one more surgery.  Sigh…I am now almost wishing I had taken off the other one.  Instead of sitting and worrying about whether it will develop cancer (which I am not particularly worried…I despise worrying) but I am so off balance by one on the right and nothing on the left.  All those of you that know me, know I was not particularly small either.  So its pretty obvious something is missing.

And then there is the prosthesis but I think that was already in another blob…oh excuse me I meant blog…no maybe I did mean blob!  Those things are worthless…and I do mean useless.

Okay, I am trying to be positive.  I am glad to be alive.  Three months and still healing.  patience…one thing at a time.

Moving right along, things will get better. I so appreciate this forum for me journaling and sharing because it has helped me to get better, if not physically it certainly has mentally.

All the people that I have come to meet, here and online on twitter. I just never knew such a great world existed.  People are truly good everywhere in the world and I think most people, when given the opportunity, will extend a hand to help another person!   I have met truly some of the best people since I was diagnosed with cancer.  I have gained knowledge, faced challenges and come to realize just how strong I really am.

Its going to take more than cancer to kick my butt.

Have a great night!

Bonnie

Journaling, or blogging helps me to focus on my innermost thoughts.  It fosters my own coming to terms with this cancer.  The cancer may be gone, but the emotional and physical feelings, and feelings of anxiety and fear last long after the appointments, surgery, and support groups have ceased.  I suppose one could go on forever to support groups, but there is this sense of wanting to move forward.

I was one of the lucky ones, ‘they’ say.  They got my cancer.  Cut it out.  Threw it out in the trash, as they would say.  Then ‘they’ planted a seed that it may re-occur.  I will address that here.  I have spent three months thinking about this, meditating, deep breathing…

Ultimately, I cannot control if the cancer will return.  I can control how much I let fear affect my life.  I can be active, especially these first six months after my surgery and practice new life choices.  Here I am, at the crossroads.  You all remember my little cartoon character, with the two guys looking at the fork (literally) in the road.  I have choices to make.  Choices I believe can keep cancer away.  Does anybody really change?  Yes I think so.

But change doesn’t happen without a lot of pain and fear.  I have had plenty of that.  Now its up to me to make good choices.  Good choices for nutrition, for losing weight (which will or can, rid me of type two diabetes), exercising regularly and just plain old living my life one day at a time.  Can I do it?  Can I focus, let go, and make change?

I truly do not know.  I can only try.  One step at a  time.

Worrying never did anyone any good.  I don’t really worry a great deal.  I have a strong faith.  I practice my faith with prayer, meditation and I volunteer.  In the past I have not been a strong member of any church.  Faith and going to church are two separate things in my mind.  But I do have a strong faith and core beliefs.

The thing I have to REMEMBER, is that I don’t have to do everything at once.  I am doing the things that make me happy and keep me healthy today.  I caught myself today feeling happy, and I jolted myself and was stunned that I was actually feeling happy.  An old friend called me, that had avoided me during this whole thing and I found myself welcoming the call and the conversation.  Months back, I was upset with him for just disappearing.  I realize now, people do what they can do and sometimes, they cannot do.  I just accept them where they are at.  I let it go…

So I am going to be gentle, and kind with myself as I heal both physically and emotionally.  I am going to forgive myself for all my past mistakes and move on.  I am going to stay informed about myself and my medical care needs.  I will talk about it with people.  I will ultimately make my own choices.  But I don’t have to do it all today.

Isn’t it a beautiful day?  Its absolutely beautiful.

Good morning,

I have been writing about this on Facebook, and I decided to make the bathtub the topic of my blog today because somebody can definitely learn from my experience!

As we get older, we sometimes or we should always have a bar in the bathtub area to hang on to, to help get up, and for overall safety.  The problem with this is that we have to ‘hang’ on to it!  I have a huge incision across the chest which is physically connected under my arm an I have a ‘frozen’ shoulder for which I am going to physical therapy for treatment.  The problem is that I wanted to take a bath.  I haven’t had one since July!  Now stop that thinking, because I do take a shower. (maybe not every day)

But a tub bath sounded glorious!  After I fixed some plumbing problems earlier this week,( I was so proud of my self!!) I prepared to give it a test run.  I just did not think I might not be able to get out.  Its a huge big oval tub, but it has a step up to get in but the area across the tub is quite wide.  I got into the tub without putting water in it, with my clothes on and I sat down.

Now the problem with this is, I should have had someone there, or at least the telephone close by.  But you know those old wives tales we have all heard about keeping electronics away from the bathtub (actually I never even thought about that).  So I got in and sat down which wasn’t so easy either. I am glad there was not any water in there!

Well I thought, success.  Then I realized I had no grab bar to get up.  I don’t think that would work anyway because I don’t have to much strength in my good arm.  It wouldn’t matter if I weighed 100 or 200 pounds (or in between) I couldn’t get up. So I thought well I will get on my knees and try that. That worked even less, because I still had to use my arms. The left one is totally worthless when it comes to being on my hands and knees.  Oh boy, here I sit at 8 o clock at night.

Anyway, the dogs, one Sheltie and  one Yorkie, were wondering what in the heck I was doing.  The Yorkie whose name is Mimzy hopped up on the edge of the tub and was snooping around.  They were both so puzzled because they had never seen me get in this tub before.  I finally decided to ask Shadow to get the phone.  She is trained really well, and she listens. I often wondered how much does she really understands.

It took me about a half an hour.  First, she brought me her ‘froggie’ toy.  Next, it was the little stuffed teddybear.  “No Shadow, get me the telephone”  “talk” and I held up my hand like I was talking on the phone.  She cocked her head funny at me and wagged her tail.  She came back with a dog biscuit.  Now I am thinking this is not going to work!  So I tried to crawl out of the tub.  While I was doing that and trying to figure out if the faucet would support me….no it would not!!!!

I sat down totally exasperated, and here comes Shadow with the telephone in her mouth.  I couldn’t believe it. Where is my camera when I need it?  But then she dropped it!! Like two feet away from the tub and ran from the room at the noise!  Okay, it was time for a deep breath.  It was only two feet away.

I tried yelling for help.  My house is not next to anybody elses, and the one right next door is vacant.  That didn’t do anything except frighten the dogs.  What happened next was unbelievable.  Mimzy always hides things.  She hides dog biscuits and treats when she is no longer hungry.  This poses a problem in that I find treats everywhere…under the covers, under the couch, under pillows on the sofa.  And when she hides them, she pushes them with her nose into the covered area.  She started pushing the phone with her nose, and she pushed it right over to the tub!  I reached down and got it!  Then I realized I didn’t know anybody’s phone number.  I use the cell all the time, and the numbers are pre-recorded.

So I called 911.  I mean, what else was I to do?  Can you call information anymore, I don’t even know.  Anyway, the fire department came and rescued me but not until after I had to explain to them where the house key was hidden outside.

I hope you all are laughing, cause it was funny…maybe not at the time.  Already this morning, Shadow has brought me the telephone again. I guess I will leave the one phone on the charger in the kitchen, on the floor, just in case.  You never know when you may not be able to get up!  Laughing out loud.

I am back to showers until things are much better physically.  Meanwhile I will leave the phone on the floor in case my ‘expiration date’ has problems in the future.  I am not that old!!

Have a great day!

Hi Everyone!

I particularly like this quote because this past year, I learned that I am stronger than I could ever have imagined.  I learned that I am incredibly optimistic when I feel like I have been plummeted down a waterfall into the rapids below.  I have learned that I have a real soul connection with the universe.  I have real faith, and I have found real answers.

So all the things I have been through, have lead me to such a different place than I ever imagined I was going.

I have met incredible people.  Learned that incredible people have compassion and wisdom, weaknesses and vulnerabilities.  I have learned that we are all in this together.  I have learned that we need one another, and we need those who have been on the journey before us.  What we become are those that have been on the journey.

Life’s successes can be full of money, and riches, and memories, and travel but to succeed and progress we have to go past this and walk the journey.  Ultimately, we walk this journey alone, no body will stay on this earth forever.

Unexpected gifts come at unexpected times.

life is good……………..very good.

Thank you!

A couple of years ago my grandson Kyle was hurt while him and I were out walking the dogs.  I had a retractable lead in my hand, and I had his dog on my leash, a very rambunctious border collie.  She seen a squirrel, and before I knew what happened she jumped over the other dog, in front of Kyle and in bolting – the lead caught Kyle across the neck.

I couldn’t believe it was happening, it happened so fast.  It cut his throat from ear to ear before I dropped it.  The cut was right on the line on his throat.  I have never been so scared in my whole life!!

But the most amazing thing happened, as he recovered.  And he did recover. I was so scared he was going to die.  I carried him all the way home, rushing and screaming all the way for help.  But he was okay.  I have never been so frightened.  The amazing thing was, that he was proud of his scar.  He told me it made him a manly man.  He was proud and said real men have scars.

I guess that’s how I need to look at my mastectomy scars.  I have had a hard time looking at them.  I have had a hard time believing that I survived this horrible horrible disease, or that I even had it.  I have never been through anything like this, or as scared.  But I remember his words; and now I am comforted by them.

This is the little guy that when my dog died, he put his hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, I know Honeybear is okay Mana, but are you? 

His love gets me through all of it.