The Tree of Cancer

I wanted

to eat wild strawberries
on a blanket
under the Eiffel tower
in Paris

So I

ate blackberries
on a tablecloth
under an oak tree
in Evergreen

I wanted

to taste snowflakes
in the Alps
on a mountain
in Switzerland

So I

ate a snow cone
at the foot of Mt Rainier and

sang a song of Jesus

I wanted

to feel the ocean
against my bare
skin in
deep water

So I

took off my
clothes and
climbed in
a blue washtub

I wanted

to reclaim the time
spent in our breakfast
nook arguing who was
right, who was wrong

So I

taste my morning bagel
see light filtered through
glass and green
listen

Regret:

I wanted

to be a famous author

with a best seller novel

and money in the bank

with respect and friends

so I

wasted my time

working in a field I didn’t want to be in

Sometimes all this cheer is more than I can bear.  I think a lot of people feel that way around the holidays because many don’t have these big family gatherings.  If you look around your neighborhood….do you really see what is in your community?  How many are homeless out there? How many don’t have pet food for their pets?  Are you really noticing or are you to busy with your own world, to help others?

But probably you don’t want to be bothered with that.

I am impressed with the new Catholic Pope Frances.  And I am not Catholic.  He is trying to get you and I to notice our neighbors, and to take care of them.  He doesn’t seem all bound up in Catholic doctrine and procedure.  It makes me wonder how long he will last?  He professes to a simple   life.  I think what he is saying, deserves a look and a listen from the entire world.

What would Jesus do?  We keep hearing this …not so much and sometimes often.  How do you think Jesus sees this world?  Do you think he is happy with the job we are doing?  I probably fall way short of the mark.  I try.  But….sigh.

Do we forgive one another?  Or do we carry that heavy burden month in and month out.   Why?  Why do we feel other people must meet our expectations?  Why do we sometimes feel we should meet other’s expectations?  Why can’t we just let people live their own lives and accept them for who they are? If we can’t stand them, we don’t need to stay around them; but at least just let it go.

we are all to burdened to carry this stuff.  If Jesus forgave us; why can’t we forgive others.  and when we forgive others; shut the heck up and let us get on with our lives.

If you weren’t confused when I started this you probably are now.

I am not feeling to happy with this season.  The good news is:  I just need to get through the next three days and it will be over.

I won’t even bore you with the details.  I think  I will just pour another cup of coffee.

Bonnie

Happy Solstice Today!  This is the shortest day of the year.

I don’t have  family plans for the holidays.  I am having friends over and friends have had me over.  In fact I feel guilty I have been ‘fed’ by everybody lately.

My friend Mary had the best ever British Tea which was full of good tea and eats and then we made ornaments.  It was fun.  I met some new people; and of course the crowd had another BC survivor.  Amazing!  We are everywhere.  I am beginning to realize this disease is so vast, but that does not mean we should give up the fight to find a cure.  Definitely not.  I do not want my family to have to go through this.  It also feels helpless to me to fix this, if not maybe we can make it better or make treatment better.  I am going to write more on this after the start of the year.

At Mary’s luncheon were:  two bc survivors, one woman waiting for a lung transplant and another suffering from some kind of palsy undiagnosed shaking problem.  Wow, it made me feel lucky!!

And I met another woman this week, in a strange place at a strange time.  I do not believe in coincidences.  I believe in a divine power that puts us in the right time at the right place.  I guess you could call them ‘angels’ of a sort.  Maybe I was the angel in this case.

Okay, what are the chances that I would get a caseworker that has dealt with exactly what I have been struggling with this season?  It is almost to weird to write about.  This woman had in the past breast cancer also.  I had never met her before and we just started talking about how angry all this has made us and how we survivors see it in each other; and understand it.  And its nice to have other people that are not judgmental about it and telling you to stop  having those feelings and be grateful.  It was actually fun to talk to some one about it.  And I think, I was right where I needed to be because it seemed she needed somebody to discuss this with right at that moment.  She had some good advice to offer also about children and their reactions to their parents cancer.  I will hereafter in this post call her C.

C said to me something I hadn’t heard before in this journey.  She told me to consider how my children seen me before cancer.  Who was I?  She said that’s how they would see me in cancer.  She asked me how I seen them before?  How do I see them now?  C said I need to tell them who I am now.  I need to tell them how I see them now.  She said I need to express my disappointment and feelings of abandonment to them.  She told me it was ok to tell them how angry I was and that I needed to do that an clear all the air.   She also said it was probably good they weren’t around.  And I agree with that.  A cancer patient don’t have the energy to lift people who cannot deal with the situation.  Doing treatment is hard enough.

Each person does only  what they can do.  And that is enough.

So maybe I will try writing them.  The problem is sometimes I write to much.  I am to graphic.  But maybe if I search my heart for the truth; the truth is good enough.  yes that is what I will do but I will wait till after the holidays.  It might take that long anyway.—————-  But isn’t it odd that I would find a woman at an agency…I felt a soul connection.  That is the joy of this disease….the real soul connections you make.

One of my biggest beefs has been how I have to repeat all my  information every time I go into the doctor, or to the agencies or something; like social security or wherever I am getting questioned.  And I mean after awhile you just give up. I am sure I forget half the stuff I am suppose to remember out of sheer going nuts having to repeat it.  So I was telling her, I just quit going to the doctor for everything and just deal with it myself.  Treatment sucks.  It consumes your whole life, your whole day and sucks out every ounce of energy you  may have been able to acquire.

Both the case worker and I agreed, that sleep was the key. So some might say that is depression; but its really just recovery.

Are all my friends sick?  Well, no they are not.  But most of us will get something sometime in our lives.  Well we all will because nobody is getting out of here alive.  That doesn’t mean we don’t have good lives though, does it?  No.  We need to bloom where we are planted!  There is good in everything even the hardships.  And the good thing that grows are the friendships.

For myself, I know I have really changed inside.  I have more patience.  I am not as critical.  I am forgiving.  I think compassionate is more the word.  In reflection, it was a hard lesson to learn.  Being an analyst by trade, I had to learn to shut up my analytical brain and think with my heart.  And just stop analyzing and ‘live’.  I don’t know if you know what I mean.  But I have a very different attitude about things.  So for me, that is a good thing.

and that’s where I am starting…….with me.

Hi Everyone!

I wish you all a happy holiday season including lots of chocolate and cinnamon smelling candles,, and peaceful moments.  These paste few months have been a time of transition for me.

Don’t you hate the word transition? It means something is changing and when something is changing it is usually…unusually painful.  In the spring when I see the little plants breaking through the soil, in the pansies I plant every year, I know its going to be hard for these little plants to make it.  Transition is like that!

So I have been gone for a couple of months.  I am still going to school and trying to keep on going towards my degree.  And that’s going OK but I am also trying to figure out how I am going to make a living going forward!  Wow this has been a tough one.  I have been out almost 18 months with this cancer and cancer recovery; what does a person say to a prospective employer?  I can tell you, from tough experience what not to say!  No body wants to hear it.

I am moving forward.  I don’t want help staying disabled I want help finding employment and figuring out how to do it.  I just want to be ‘normal’.  Oh wow, there is a word isn’t it.  What is my new normal?

November 13th was my one year anniversary of my  last surgery.  Of course, that doesn’t mean its over.  Lots of people say ‘well its over now’.  Hmmm anyone that has had cancer knows its never over.  January I have to go in for a complete work up.  Its called ‘hunting for cancer’., a new game you play every year for the rest of your life.  Of course one is glad to be able to play the game.  its just good to be in the game.

Trying to keep things calm and quiet this year.  Not to much hub bub around Christmas.  The weather has been extremely cold lately and that is not to great either.  I can’t wait to get the electric bill.  Merry Christmas electric company, happy being warm to me. I guess that’s all enough though.  isn’t it?  Just being warm, have a place to sleep and food in the refrigerator?

So I need to get back to the resume writing and submitting; maybe someone will be hiring after the holidays.  

When the daily chaos of life becomes overwhelming and you’re pushed to the edge of the cliff, don’t plunge straight down.   Instead, use the following suggestions  to open up your parachute of calm and float freely and peacefully into your newly created life.  Your new Reimagined life!

1. Spray some lavender

Studies show that this popular flowering herb can be   can be inhaled for calming effects. It’s an effective remedy for anxiety, depression, irritability, panic, and stress.

2.  Are you Telling Yourself the Truth?

Change your attitude on the issue. Ask yourself why you’re feeling overwhelmed.   Are you telling yourself the truth? Can you solve this problem?  Do you have a roof over our head and food on the table?  Are things really as bad as your mind is making it out to be?  Gain a positive attitude and be sure to examine what you think the truth is.

3. Exercise….Go for a walk.

To reap the calming effects of walking, you don’t need to pound the pavement for hours on end.  A comfortable stroll can be just as effective as a power walk.  The secret is to use your mind, focus on the present moment and connect with nature.  If you can’t walk try another exercise.  Be creative…even somebody in an iron lung can practice visualization.  Just do something!

4. Play soothing music.

Pick music that is soothing with a slow tempo and light instruments.    Every time stress sneaks in, I can play some music by Adele and I calm down.

5. Meditate.

Its okay to do nothing. To close your eyes and calm your thoughts.   Meditate in short intervals throughout your day.  Relax, relax, relax.  I know we have not been taught to do this.  but we must relax back against those thoughts and care for our inner self!  I give you permission.

6.  Smile!

When you smile, a sense of peace and well-being develops; simply put, you just feel happy.  Try smiling, even when you’re stuck in traffic.  It releases a hormone in your brain.  They have proven this.  That happy professor at Harvard said that putting a pencil in your mouth and biting down releases the same hormone.  Smile…okay right now..one two three…S M I L E!!

7. Breathe deeply and exhale..

When you feel agitated, you tend to breathe rapidly or shallow.   Slow down your breath, and in particular slow down your exhalation.  Deep …feel it in your chest.

8.  Get out outside.

Gardening and spending time in nature can help restore your attention and relax your body and mind.  If you don’t have time to get dirty in the garden, simply watering your plants can induce the same results.  Fill your life with living things!  Do that and you will live!

9.  Blog

Blogging will allow you to clarify your thoughts and feelings, and will help you gain valuable self-knowledge and reassurance.  It can also be a great problem-solving tool; sometimes it’s easier to come up with a solution on paper.  You can also release powerful emotions, gain clarity and let go.  Let go of what you don’t need and stop worrying about what you can’t change.

10.  Stretch.

Before you get out of bed in the morning…stretch.  Feel your legs elongate by stretching.  Next stretch your arms and shoulders and move your neck side to side.  Now do a great big stretch reaching out with your toes and your fingers as far as you can.  What a way to start the day!! Energized! Alive.

11.  Reinvent your imagination.

The mind is very powerful; when you visualize peaceful, serene scenes, it invokes calming feelings, as if you were really there.  Though visualization our bodies can relax and the stress will melt away.  Close your eyes and imagine rhythmic waves on a long, white sand beach.  This works really well at the dentist.  Or as all you gals know, really well when having a gynecological exam at the doctor.  We count the holes in the ceiling guys!  LOL

12.  Call a friend.

Call a best friend.  But be aware that you cannot always be an energy sucker to your friends.  Friends are like checking accounts…you have to make a deposit once in awhile to be in balance.

14.  Turn off the cell phone and the

Don’t watch the evening news while eating, and every now and then take a break from stressful, fear-based media. Don’t watch killer and detective shows before turning the lights out!  Have a couple of laughs.  Jay Leno can go a long way to finish the day with!  I will miss him soon.

  Most of all remember to take care of you!  Without you, you have nothing.

Bonnie – I won’t give up!

Pinktober is almost over!  Next month it will be one year since the end of my active BC treatment.  Reimagining my life, This is my goal for November!  I am going to reimagine my life going forward.  And then I am going to re-invent my life from this plan!

A crisis always puts people in perspective about their life.  Its a gift of any illness, accident or significant life event.  I have a friend going through a breakup and it has been devastating.  All these things bring us awareness of what is really important in our lives.  The term ‘don’t sweat the small stuff” never meant so much to me as now.  Time is marching on!

I use to worry, that sitting around and thinking was a waste of time.  But I worked for years at Microsoft, and I remember Bill Gates encouraging us to think. He gave us private offices so we would have quiet time…time to regenerate…time to work out ideas on the white board with or without others.  I am forever grateful for those years.

The memories of those years at Microsoft are mostly happy ones.  Yes we worked and some long hours.  We accomplished some ridiculously wonderful feats.  We changed history.  We worked together.  We fought together.  And, we bonded together.  My fondest friends are the old ones from those days.  Like Charles Dickens said, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times!”.

The first thing people ask you when they hear you worked at MSFT is about the money.  Sure the money was good.  Yes the work was terrible and long sometimes.  But the friendships were the best.  We were a part of history.  It wasn’t all about the money.  It was about being accepted for who you were, right where you were and everyone expected the best out of you.   This is rarely true now, as I work other places.  They expect you to prove yourself.  Which to me is odd.  They hired you and are paying you based on your experience and what you said you could do.  Why don’t you just expect me and assume I will perform?  It’s a win win for both of us.

Some company models don’t work for all people.  If you want to be a successful company though,  based on past performance is a good indication.

Nerdy technical people are wonderful.  They might not be as empathetic on the surface that some people expect.  But that is the surface.  Like the character, Sheldon,  on the Big Bang Theory, he doesn’t appear real compassionate but under the surface, I think he is a big softee!  I have friends like that.  They have been great to me since I have been ill.

I thank Bill Gates for teaching me to think.  I thank the friends I found at the greatest company that ever was.  I am thankful for being a part of changing history forever.

I am thank for yet another day.  God give me the ability to make the most of it.

Okay it has been a long time since I posted,, because I got a new computer and I didn’t remember my login ID and password which is on my old computer…this computer!

And my dear friend Sam has not returned my calls.  We need to get the new computer validated and synced up with the blog!

Not that I have that much new to write about. Well, maybe I do!

This has been the month of funerals.  Gees, no not just two as I have earlier posted…three and now possible four.  I think I will go to bed till the end of the month and not get up. I don’t want to hear that anyone else died.

My good friend Lee passed away (everybody likes that term better) after falling in his shower.  His aorta tore and he bled out.  Not to nice huh?  Just reminds us that shit happens besides getting cancer.

Reminds me to get out and celebrate fall!  Reminds me to help his widow Pat with adjusting and remembering to laugh.  She is a great person and a good friend.  Pat and Lee were special friends to me for over 12 years.  They don’t  make old friends any more!  Remember to hug your friends today!

I made it through Pinktober month without to much grief.  Another friend posted how his son is swimming for cancer research. I thought that was great.  Not just breast cancer, but all types.  And they are not just doing research but helping survivors to cope and deal with their new ‘normal’ life.  I guess one of them is me!    Here is their site:

http://www.swimacrossamerica.org/site/PageServer?pagename=Olympians_Chris_Thompson

I am lucky to have a friend with such a compassionate and dedicated swimmer son!  I love the water myself.  And as I think I have said on here, swimming helped me heal so much.  I love the water and it totally takes me to a serene place of joy.  All my tension leaves.  I don’t care about anything.  Its definitely my drug of choice.  Two hours in the pool and I am resurrected!

It’s with sadness that I post that Ashley Anderson has died today after losing her battle to Pancreatic cancer.  Her web site is cancerkickingirl.com.

Ashley was 28 years old.  Way to you young.

to lose the fight but sometimes there is just nothing left to do.

I am sad, but instead of staying in doors and grieving for her I took the bus to downtown Seattle and did a whole bunch of touristy things including having my make up done.  She would have approved.  She was a doer, a goer and an uplifter!  Ashley lived her life to the fullest each and everyday.

Her facebook page has a picture of her with Patrick Swayze’s wife after he passed away from the same cancer.

Ah cancer sucks no matter what type you get.

Did I say I hate pink?  I hate all of it: pink, purple, green and whatever other color is out there for it all.

I am glad my friend is no longer in pain.  This was the fifth month she had been in the hospital and all for pain control.  Pain is the worst thing.

I prefer to remember her bubbly smile and the joy she shared with her husband Tim.

I know she’s okay now and doesn’t have to suffer.

This was ‘our’ girl!  Ashley in purple…when she had just finished the Pancreatic Cancer Walk in Washington D.C. in early June.  She got sick immediately following.

Why is it that it takes us so long to learn life’s lessons?  I am glad I am able to post this today (yesterday couldn’t access my account).

Whether you lose your mom to an unexpected death, a disease or natural death; there are things you wish you would have said or didn’t say ……and we don’t get the opportunity to a ‘do over’.  So please everyone everywhere give your mom a hug, a phone call or send a card.   When she is ashes in a jar somewhere in the ground or a body in a casket, in this life there will be no more.

I said goodbye, and I still have some regrets.  Regrets of not understanding what a disease like dementia/Alzheimer’s can steal from you without you even seeing it happen.  There were times when Mom was unreasonable, or so I thought.  Times when she lost her temper and lashed out at the dog.  People don’t like me to call it Alzheimers because they say I cannot prove it.  Well I might not have any proof but in looking back there were so many signs I should have recognized but didn’t.  What would I have done differently?  Probably nothing.  She lived alone in her house until 87.  Tht is successful I think.  No matter what the short comings, she was happy in her own house with her own things.  I just didn’t realize she wasn’t getting good meals, that she thought the television was turned on by the telephone, that the unreasonableness was probably fear.  She loved that dog more than anything.

But I like to remember the good times.  And yesterday I celebrated with memories of good times.  Cause we had some good ones.  They weren’t all rough, although there were plenty of them too.

We went to Alaska.  She had never been before. It was my third trip and we had a wonderful time.  We rented a car and drove all over – north to Wasilla and to  Mt Denali.  She took tons of pictures.  I wonder where they are now? I have one of the two of us in May, winds blowing,  we were freezing to death practically at a bird reserve.  It was so much fun!  And I was able to provide that for her.

The other trip we took was to Florida.  That was long ago in 1988.  I remember, because it was when I bought my two John Lennon lithographs.  We were in a little art shop in Daytona Beach and I found these four prints – the bag one series from John Lennon.  He was always my favorite Beatle!  Imagine is my favorite song.  Anyway, I was going to purchase all four and Mom had a fit!  It was funny thinking about it now.  One of the pictures was….well let’s say it was ‘erotic’…Mom thought it should be thrown out!  It was funny.  I settled on a picture called “The Family’ and another one called ‘Self Portrait’.  Through all the times I have been through I have saved those two pictures.  They have a lot of meaning for me.

While we were in Florida we went to Walt Disney World. We spent two days there. One doing rides.  My Mom went on the big roller coaster with me and we sat in the front seat!  It was so much fun.  We got so wet!!!!!!!!  Neither of us knew till we were headed straight down in to a lake that we might get wet!  I thought there would be some twist at the last minute and we would avoid the water.  No! It plunged right through and we were both soaked.  We laughed so hard.  I had money back in those days, and I just let her  buy whatever she wanted.  We had a lot of fun.

We went shopping in Tampa.  My mother loved to shop. She never tired of it,, even when she got older she used TV to shop.  So what, if that’s what you enjoyed?

We grow up.  We get our own lives.  We go our own way.  One chapter ends, another begins.  But does a Mom’s involvement ever really end? Whether she is there or not, you can always rest assured you will be in her heart.

Last night I talked to my Mom’s best friend Betty.  Betty and I talk often.  We exchange cards.  We pray for one another.  Betty was mom’s boss years ago and her and her son Bob remained close to Mom.  Betty gave me the best gift last night.  She said my Mom always told her how smart I was, and how much she loved me and she was proud of me.

What else could you ask for?  I ask you, in life, what else could you ask for?

Thank you and Goodbye Mom.

Dedicated:  “ARMS” by Christina Perri

I had an interesting experience today.  Something I had not thought would happen.  I filled out a volunteer application and I got called to discuss my application.  I am thinking…I am ready to propel forward and get going with my  life.  I am now ten months out from surgery and doing well, NED, and planning to be alive!

The manager asked me to take a seat and asked if I would like caffeine free herbal tea or a light decaf coffee without soy.  Nobody has ever said anything like that to me.  I sat down, and I said no thank you I am fine.

She took her seat and folded her hands in her lap and looked directly at me and said she was going to jump right into the subject because she wanted me to understand.  “The thinking is this: you need some time to process and digest your own experience before you can help others as much as possible.   She told me I needed to do and finish my own work before doing other work.

I was stunned.  I thought I was ready to volunteer.  She said how many counseling treatments have you sat through? How many other survivors have you talked with and not lost your temper?  How many of them do you think are stupid?  OUCH! Do you still attend support group meetings? Can you look in the mirror and feel good?

She told me they have a policy at this agency to not hire anyone without being one and half years away from treatment.  She said it was ok.  That I am doing exactly what I should be doing and not skipping anything is optimum for my own health as well as her organization’s successful ability to thrive.

Earlier this week I had been turned away from Team Northwest also.  They said no, you have to be at least 12 months out.

So tonight I self analyze.  What do I need to do? Financially I need to go back to work.  How do other survivor/s do this?  How have they done this?  I thought volunteering would be easy!!!!  Gosh that is giving your time away free…they didn’t even want that.  They think I am not ready.

Hmmmmm here comes that picture in my life again and I stand here scratching my head!

So what’s the plan you say?  What do you suggest?  Tomorrow I am going to start the new pool in Redmond.  I need to get off my butt and go do it. It will be three weeks Friday since I swam.

So …more swimming.  Maybe more reading.  Finish my project management certification.  Have trust and faith in the process.  The money will come from somewhere…..for now..its back to the drawing board and just healing.

Did I mention my Mom died from dementia/old age this month? Also my good friend Lee died unexpectedly last Saturday.  I need to rethink all this I suppose!  Gee………..can’t life cut us some slack here.  It does feel like life has become a rollercoaster and I am just hanging on.  Numbed out I guess.   Ok then.  Somebody throw me a bone before I fall down the hole of Alice in Wonderland.  Oh yes, that is going to happen when the federal government cuts off my check because the gov’t has ‘partially‘ shutdown!!  Next week!

Next:  The things I am learning from cancer.