The Tree of Cancer

Have you ever been glad to be right where you are?  I am!  I would not want to repeat last year for anything but…  I was right in the thick of breast cancer treatment and the road ahead was to be long, and filled with procedures, surgeries and all the accompanying tears. But it has not all been difficult!

I met new people along the way!  Everyone of them were fantastic in their own way.  I have new lifelong friends, I am sure.  Although the journey was scary and at times very painful, I made it through and as of July 27th, I appear to be cancer free.  NED…it’s what every cancer survivor wants on her chart.  No Evidence of Disease.

I found out who my friends were, and I watched people walk away.  But I found out who was there for the duration.  Who didn’t judge.  Who cared.  I found fascinating writers who were more than willing to help me on the pink path (oh there is that word…pink)!  I found geeks who reached out to me in support both psychologically, spiritually and financially.  Old friends did fund raisers.  New friends sent cards, checks and food   in abundance.  One friend bought me a new computer!  People were good My previous neighbors, Pat and Lee brought flowers (many times) and sent cards and showed up!  I love them!  Lee died two weeks ago, and a big hole has been left in my life but I smile when I think of him. My life was so blessed to have known him.

One friend, Sam set up this blog and motivated me to start recovery.  And what surprised me is the wonderful people who I have had in my life all along, who resurfaced and were there for me.  Scott cooked me dinners on Sunday which gave me strength for the procedure week to come!  A new neighbor walked by everyday and came to talk to me while we had our puppies out in my yard.  My two wonderful dogs who were vigilantly by my side the entire time!  Thank you to all of you.  I couldn’t have done it without you.

My wonderful medical team who expressed support and knowledge was very good.  Thanks to Virginia Mason Hospital who provided a warm, safe place with terrific staff.  I am sure there are many I have forgotten.

And there were my new online friends who are on their own journey. I have learned that I can make a difference in people’s lives and never have to meet them in person (but that would be nice).

Breast cancer can touch your lives in ways that you totally would not believe unless you get the experience.  So I won’t say it was all bad. It is a part of the journey of life for me.  I wake up each day just thankful to be on this side of the grass .  Oh yes it is not all roses, and I worry sometimes about things but I try not to ‘sweat’ the small stuff.  The rent will get paid.  It comes from somewhere at the most unexpected times.

Physically I spent the summer trying to gather strength.  I was so weak in May.  I could barely walk from my house to the clubhouse which is about a block.  By the end of the summer, I was running in a 5k and swimming 30 laps in the pool nonstop.  Somewhere I reached inside and got the strength to get out there and do it.  To keep cancer away, it is important to exercise and eat right.  I am trying.

The hair loss thing is always a hard one.  I don’t know why but it is awful for me, to have hair loss.  Mine did not all fall out but to lose the top and one side looked so bad.  No I didn’t get like some people and shave it off. I just hung on to what I had until about August and then I cut it short.  The back came back thick.  The sides…not so much. but everyday the hair is getting better.  I turned so gray.  But, I got rid of that.  Each person has to decide for themselves what they will put up with and orange thin hair with half gray, did not do it for me.  Thank god for good hair dressers!  My hair is now all grown back, healthier and the original brown.

What is hard to deal with?  The physical appearance is a constant reminder of cancer.  The scars and the physical mirror image is scary as hell.  Did you notice that the word scary has scar inside it?  Hmmm probably not a coincidence.  I have not had reconstruction.  The oncologist wanted me to postpone it for a year.  Need I tell you why?  It might come back.  Oh boy ….not going to worry.  People tell me to just put it in God’s hands.  Oh yes, right.  Look how that turned out so far.  But I will.  Everyday is a choice.  Looking ahead, not backward.

The doctor’s appointments still continue.  They always seem to be looking for something or checking something.  The oncologist I see every three months.  It’s amazing how when I get in his office I forget everything that I wanted to ask.  Yes I write it down.  Then I forget the paper.  I forget everything.  In a way, that is okay to.  I find myself not fretting about things because I forget them.  I don’t care about anything to long because I just forget.  Oh…..medications…blessing or curse?

Do I feel guilty?  No I feel fortunate.  Why would I feel guilty? Because I survived.  Because I didn’t have radiation?  But I chose mastectomy instead.  It isn’t an easy road.  Because so many others did not survive.

I quit writing for awhile because it was easier.  But now I have to find my ‘mission’.  I need to find my place.  What did this all do for me? Where am I suppose to go?  What is the next chapter?  How can I help someone else.  How do I continue to help myself.  What is on my bucket list?

I am happier than I have ever been in my life.  I don’t know how to explain it.  I giggle at the dog in the morning who loves her belly scratched.  Other than the first 15 minutes in the morning she wants no affection.  But those first moments are glorious.  My older dog Shadow has gone deaf this summer but the look on her face when we make eye contact is worth the sun and the moon.  We connect.

I found people who really care.  I found that I really care.  I connected with life.

I dive into the Redmond pool and even though it might be a belly flop it feels fantastic.  My arm is starting to wake up and in the pool I feel like a whole person!!  The water knows no limits.  and I feel like a fish!  I am happy and home in the water.  It had been years since I had been swimming and I found physically how much I am connected to the exercise.  It brings me great peace.

Friends, life and living really is good. 

Hi There,

No I am not talking about getting a nose job, I am talking about a Chinese doctor who is growing a new nose on a man’s forehead!  Think about it.  Anything might be possible!  Its amazing.

http://seattletimes.com/html/nationworld/2021921575_chinanosexml.html

Okay we are looking forward (are we?) to Pinktober coming! This month is about breast cancer awareness.  How much progress have we made? What does this have to do with this man’s new nose?  It has do with it because, really people, really….anything is possible!

If we believe anything is possible……….the potential is limitless.  The hope is endless and the future is possible if not ‘probable’ !  That is good news.  I am the biggest skeptic there is. I question everything. I am sure I drive my doctor’s nuts because I look for the positive and negative in everything they suggest. I realize that my body literally depends on their making the right choices.

I alone have to live with the consequences of  their choices.  But I am getting better.   I actually feel my shoulder again.  I cannot move it yet or make it move but it is no longer numb.  Maybe, just maybe it is coming back! Yippee.  Three months of swimming two hours a day, is starting to pay off.  Exercise is so wonderful.

Who ever thought I would do two – 5K runs this summer!  I did.  I may have been slow but I finished.

Life is good.  Anything this side of the grass is definitely a good thing.

BONNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow doesn’t this look foreboding?  I almost feel as I walk through this maze that the fingers of the roots will reach down and choke the life out of me.  I think I seen that once in a movie years ago.  If we  can only get to the other end!

This is like the trip down Obamacare trying to find a health care plan.  My healthcare ended this summer.  I got the letter yesterday.  I figured September 30th was my end date, but somebody decided August 1 was the date.  Oh boy, and the bills I ran up in August and September.  Guess I don’t have to worry about going back to the dentist and finishing my dental work. 

See there is a bright spot in every storm!  Nothing like being in the Cancer warfare without health insurance.  Pray it doesn’t come back.  Think how horrible it will be to not have insurance and need it.  Ug.  well I am not going to dwell on it cause I can’t do anything about it today.

Its always something.  What are you doing this weekend to cheer up your life?  Its storming and I think I will read a book.  I am taking one day off from working on my Project Management certification.  I am certainly not going to trying and figure out Obamacare. Instead, at 12 am on October 1, I am going to log on and sign up.

One day at a time.  One day at a time.

The last time I wrote, my mother had died.

Last Saturday, my friend Lee Olson died.  Many would say he lived a whole life because he died at 84.  His birthday had been Thursday.  So he wasn’t much past 84.  I had already lost my biological father many years ago, but Lee was like really losing my Dad.  He was my adviser, my close  friend’s husband, a neighbor for many years and my friend.  We loved to laugh together.  After I visited their house so many times, I would come away with renewed strength and faith in life.

Lee was a good father to his three boys.  He loved them all and in unique ways.  He had a very special place in his heart for his granddaughter Katie.  I can’t believe he is gone.

I am thankful he went quickly.  I guess.  Some say its better.  He did not suffer.  He was making plans to move and was positive, and excited about it.

When we lose our friends, it’s always that reminder that this life is so short.  It can end so quickly and sometimes goodbyes are not an option.

So hug your loved ones.  Be grateful.

I am grateful for my friends.  Grateful for my girls even if they won’t talk to me.  I am busy figuring out my own life, and I suppose not having figured it out is a good thing because then it might be over. LOL

I don’t have answers.  At this time, I only have good memories and the sadness of grief.  But its not a bad thing.

Can you believe it?  In the middle of me writing about grief and loss my mother passes away.  It seems that life’s little lessons keep popping up and challenging me.  Well, it is going to happen for all of us..losing our parents.

Well I personally don’t like to say that someone has passed.  Passed where?  They didn’t pass.  They died.

Mother issues surround us all. It doesn’t seem to matter who it is, we all have issues with our mothers.  And personally I don’t even want to go there this week.  My Mom died last Tuesday, or early Wednesday morning.  I was not there. I didn’t feel the need for me to be there. Her and I are connected anyway and that’s another topic for another day.

Its hard in the middle of the storm to see which direction to go.  So for this week I am allowing myself to flounder, to just feel the feelings, to go talk to friends that will listen and not judge, and not do psycho babble to me about what I should feel or not feel.

On top of everything else this keyboard is shot and hops around and inserts letters wherever it feels.

How did you handle your parents death?  I guess you don’t handle it.  Its normal to feel bad.

I am taking time away from the blog as I pass thru treatment. I was not going to the doctor so often now, and don’t need to see the oncologist until December.  I just haven’t felt like writing. I don’t know if anyone can understand this.  But I would just like to feel normal for a little while. Just a little while of peace and being normal.

And then my Mom dies.    Its not  like this was not unexpected. She had dementia and had been in hospice for the last six months. She hasn’t know me in a year.  I think I wrote about the last time I seen her in here somewhere.

Doesn’t life just sometimes make you want to pull out your hair?  Oops that is not true, my hair just grew back!!

Life:  Sit down, shut up and hang on. The train is moving again.

Try and have a good week!

Hello everyone!  Having site problems because I changed to a new computer!  I have to go back and use the old computer which is definitely having ‘dying’ problems!

My dear friend Sam who set up this site, is not responding. Dear Sam I need the password to get it on my new computer.  I have no idea how to get in except on this computer.

YIKES.  Okay guess what I am going to go try and write and do a  post today.  I miss all my blogger fans! and alot has happened in thenext few weeks.

Bonnie

This post has taken some thought to write.  I still don’t know if I will write it ‘right’.  I have rewritten in three times and deleted it.

How people respond to people with cancer could fill books.  People say stupid things without thinking and I know they don’t mean ‘ill’ comments.  Little play on words there, eh?  I think it has been a true education in the exposure of the hearts of others.  “It was God’s will.”; “You should count your blessings.” “You must be strong.” “I know exactly how you feel.”

These sayings may be intended to make a cancer patient feel better but in actuality they make us have the opposite effect! You don’t want that.  Please avoid cliches!  In using those words, you are discounting their feelings…and this isn’t Ross Dress For Less!  Our feelings are unique that we have.  Healing requires a personal authentic look at what is happening to us.  And bringing God into the picture is an explosive thing, especially if we don’t share those beliefs.  Don’t witness now, you should have done it years ago if you wanted to or earlier, not now when the loss is fresh.   Too many emphasis on blessings early in the healing process denies the grief that needs to be expressed.

I am beginning to think that just avoiding people all together is the only option.  Now that is the frustrated person in me talking.  People just want you to jump right to wellness and please for “GOD’s” sake do not complain, or express discomfort or have questions about why this is happening to you.  They don’t want to hear it.  Why can’t people just listen?  oh wow, so I practice forgiveness and meditation and try to gently move on past it all.  Just taking the next step is enough some days. Left Right Left Right.

The adventures of when life turns left.  This was never a truer statement. I am nine months out from my last surgery.  I haven’t slept through the night more than three times.  I am not taking any drugs to sleep or relax any more.  I am fairly relaxed because I exercise each and every day.  This habit has taken me a lifetime to get to and now I depend on it…for sanity, for ongoing health, and the overall feeling of wellness.

I am moving forward.  I imagine this is the acceptance phase and the moving on.  I know this ….what is it?….this experience has changed me.  I am more compassionate.  Well, pause here for moment. I wasn’t very compassionate at all before.  I really feel now.  I am more prone to listen.  I have friends that are hurting, even if they are not recovering from cancer.  One friend has an ongoing bone disease.  I am happy to do errands for her or water her plants, or just sit and listen.  She has been a rock for me in her own position.  We help each other.  This has been the greatest gift of cancer, if there has to be a gift.  My doctor was right. I am forever changed.  and it is good.

One of the things this change has given me, is the ability to more accept people where they are.  I definitely am feeling that by accepting myself first, as I am; accepting my own emotions, my own fluctuations, my own foibles, and my own shortcomings.  The better friend I can be to myself, the better friend I can be to someone else. Can you understand this?

The most effective way to accept someone else, is to accept yourself.  The big step towards healing.

Hey Everybody!  I opened my computer and started to write again! I have had a busy past two weeks ending up the first term of my college courses and installing a new computer and printer! This are really progressing in technology and now I have a printer that I know is smarter than me! If only I can keep up!!

Today I want to address the grief and loss of having cancer and what you can do that will absolutely help your friend or relative.  Its simple, its straightforward and it will take a ‘load’ off of what to do when.

I know its hard to figure out what and when to say anything to somebody that has suffered a loss.  I have watched my friends struggle with what to say; some saying absolutely idiotic things and I wonder where on earth are they coming from?

People do the best they can do.  We cannot expect them to do more.  Its a complicated thing.  They are in their own pain or concern.  Whatever you want to call it, this is the time of communication, good or bad or somewhere in between.

But there are some basic steps that you can do, that will definitely be positive and set the groundwork for going forward.

First a serious loss has shaken the life of the person you know.  Their ‘ground’ has been tossed around and they have lost control of their choices and they don’t know what to say either.  Cancer is a frightening disease.  The word rings terror in their ears and the fear of the unknown is prevalent.  Acknowledge what has happened.

People who are grieving often feel different from others.  They can feel pushed aside, cut off from their normal environment, ignored and very lonely.  Reaching out opens communication and says to the cancer patient, “I am with you and I will be with you.”  That is just what they need to hear that can make a very powerful difference and reassure the cancer patient they are not in this alone.

Simply, you can do this in easy ways.  You can send a card.  Just a thinking of you card.  Be especially sure, if you are geographically close to the person, to include them in family gatherings, friend get-togethers or just over for a meal.  Its great to invite them ‘out’ to your house or a restaurant.  That way they can choose how long to be gone, and they can retreat home to their safe zone when they feel the need to go.  Keep the conversation light and have plenty of good food!  Don’t expect the person to drink alcoholic beverages at this time.  They are probably on pain pills or other medication it will not mix with.  And they probably will not say no because you have so graciously offered this invitation.  Don’t ask for trouble in this situation.  If they want a drink, they will ask.

So acknowledging is the first step.  Trust me, it is comforting and makes a cancer patient feel like you are in this together and they are not alone.  Remember their feelings are especially sensitive at this time, they are feeling so vulnerable.

The second thing to do is to listen.  When another person’s life has been transformed by a cancer diagnosis ; part of their life has ended.  And, they did not want it to end.  They are experiencing discomfort and pain. No, they do not want to give you the details of a very private procedure so don’t ask.  They will share it, if and when they are ready to.

People in grief need to make sense of what has occurred to them. One way they can do this is to talk about it.  Your job is to listen.  Please don’t start telling stories and please do not say that friend so and so recovered in a short time and went right back to work.  Every case is different.  A person is not required to share every detail with you of their illness nor may they be ready to. It’s a very private experience.  Let them decide when to reveal and when not to.  I know I appreciate it.

You will find that people in this circumstance often want to talk more than normal about this.  They may repeat themselves. They may start over and get parts of the story mixed up.  It may be difficult to follow their train of thought. Imagine what it is like to be them.  Often anesthesia has interfered with thinking at this time, and it takes months if ever for the brain to function normally.

However much they talk and in whatever way they talk, remember they are finding ways to accept and live with what has happened and is happening to themselves.  This has come crashing into their lives, and they are just trying to learn to deal with it.

Good listening takes energy.  It can be both time consuming and tiring to stay with a person who is going through this.  It is emotionally draining to you both.  But at the same time, your listening can be an act of sacredness.  You are creating an environment in which someone can entrust you with the shear essence of who they are; what they think and what they fear.  This can be an extreme contribution to their healing.  Listen.

Over time the two of you can experience something wonderful together…the healing that begins to take place gradually as their story unfolds, as they begin to make adjustments in acceptance of the situation and start to trust life again.  It all begins with this: your willingness to stay with them and simply listen.  It is a greater gift than you will ever know.

More tomorrow on Responding and Acceptance.

Have a great day!

Wow if I had remembered how hard it was to set up a new PC,, I might have passed on it.  Wow…I had forgotten.  Guess what? I am back on the old PC tonight because I couldn’t get into my blog.

So It doesn’t matter what I type on I guess. I just missed my blog.  Not that I have had anything to say but holy cow I felt insecure without having my blog to come write   on and write out my feelings.  So if nobody is reading this, well oh well it is helping me!!!

but this computer has its problems. Its dying on the vine so I better get all my info off of here or nobody will be hearing from me!

What have you been up to this summer? I have been focusing on swimming and rehab therapy for my arm.  Oh there is that homework thing to cause I am going to school.  That has been hard.  Focusing is hard.

and there is this little thing about relationships with people.  I have patience about the length of a toothpick.  This whole thing is very hard.  I may become a hermit.

Instead I am planning on taking a road trip.  A road trip in the car that is dying!!??Well it is not dead yet.  I might rent one.  What the heck.  Enterprise is always there and they are reasonable if you  search for a bargain.  Weekends are about 9.99 a day but you better have insurance.

I have an article I have been writing. Its almost ready to post here. I wrote it for a ezine in New York and they have the right to publish it first and then I can post it here.  Its on grief and loss.  How to handle yours and someone elses.  I think it is one of the best things I have ever written.  I have worked hard on it.  I am trying to get it all grammatically correct…to keep those of you that are so critical form targeting me with arrows!

Speaking of which, I had an acquaintance that really criticized another blogger who is final stage of pancreatic cancer. She said her blog wasn’t worth reading because it sounded like she was on drugs.  Well da!  She has a wonderful blog and it might be full of what some people would call errors but what do you expect when the person is terminally ill and fighting for their life?  “Excuse me while I get my dictionary and make sure my spelling is correct.”  I don’t think so.  Give her a break.

People can be just as cruel as they can be kind.  Please be nice.

oh yes and then there was the  person that said I should go do something outside my comfort zone.  Hey lady, I am just glad to have a peaceful quiet comfort zone…I have been out of my zone for over a year.  No thank you.  Get me to the comfort zone.

Have a good night.  I will try and post more now that I can get into my account again!