The Tree of Cancer

Hi Everyone!

The Seattle summer has been perfect this year.  Warm hot days and warm nights although it is starting to cool down down at night.  Might even have some rain in the forecast later this week.  Time to get everything done.

I finished off my year end appointments with all the doctors last week and everything checked out great.  Such a relief!  Now to just get on with recovery.

Speaking of which, I have definitely found that swimming is my passion and it certainly has helped me to get back into shape.  Now I am going to add some weight training to this to build my muscles in my left arm back up.  That’s going slowly but you have to start somewhere.  I laughingly joked with somebody yesterday that I could kill somebody with the underarm flap on the left arm when i wave it back and forth.  Gees talk about empty!!  LOL

The semester came to an end with school and tomorrow starts another semester filled with fun courses (not) and I was hoping this would be the home stretch but it will take one more year.  That’s okay I wasn’t doing anything else anyway.  ha ha   I have funding through two more semesters so I am taking advantage of this opportunity.

I haven’t posted much. I have actually just tried not to think about cancer to much lately.  Last week was all the appointments and that physically and mentally leaves me exhausted. It’s all so stressfull.  You think you are probably okay but then you never know.  And there are so many people that I know that have had this disease and they have almost all had a reoccurrence somewhere.  That doesn’t leave me feeling to good.

So I am not saying much today. I have things to go do.  and I am going to go do them.  and forget about this for awhile.  Email me or twitter me if you want to light a fire under me to write again. I just don’t feel like it. I just want to go away to the corner and lick my wounds and have a different life.

Bonnie

This was too cute to not share.  A friend of mine is in the hospital recovering from bone surgery and it was posted on her page.  We are all in Information Technology and there is an old standbye procedure of if it doesn’t work just unplug and try again.  I laughed till I thought I would choke up!

We all need a good laugh every day

Have a great Monday folks!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonnie

Credit is given at the end for this article taken from a blog I read online.  It’s always interesting to get through this maze of cancer and see how it not only effects you but the people around you.  A woman in the pool today asked me what was a cancer bolter?  This article explains it …somewhat if not clearly.  You will meet people on your cancer journey that will say horrible things to you, that will cut to your core and drag you down farther than any sunami called cancer can.  Words cut to the core spoken by misinformed and clueless people. (However I finally gained awareness and most of it I just add to my list to put in my future book and quote them and let it go)     Read on and enjoy the article.

I have an entire direct family of bolters including my daughters, my  nephew, and  others. I had a boyfriend when this started and I never seen him again after my biopsy.  I called one cousin who’s husband was recently diagnosed with colon cancer and she would not even return my calls.   Go figure? You ultimately just quit caring about them …really…the pain goes away.    You learn to let it roll off your back and focus on the real beauty in the world and the real people of the world.  And they are out there. Thank goodness.

————–Article on Blog Site

I am not sure if this has been on here before, but quite interesting I thought.

When you are diagnosed with cancer, strange things happen to other people.
Cancer will probably change you, but it also changes people around you, people you thought you knew.

People behave in unexpected ways.Some you thought were friends disappear. Others hang around. And of those who keep coming around, you will be glad to see some, and less glad to see others.

You will find out who your friends are, as the saying goes. As if that’s a good thing. As if anyone ever really wants to find out who can be counted on and who can’t. Someone you rarely saw and didn’t feel particularly close to may turn out to be the person who is most supportive, who most understands what you are going through.

Although each person’s cancer experience is unique, there are some commonalities. The following is a guide to the creatures you may encounter.

PREACHERS

Preachers are anxious to give you advice and information.

They are convinced that they know what is best for you, and they go out of their way to share their answers.

They bring you books and tapes, herbs and pills, or they know where you can send money – usually a lot of money – to obtain a product that is guaranteed to cure you. This guarantee, on closer examination, turns out to be more like a strong opinion.

So they will assure you that vegetarians don’t get cancer, or meditators don’t get cancer, or those who think happy thoughts. None of which is true.

They bring you tofu and sprouts when you really want a pizza, and then you feel guilty for eating pizza at all.

They insist that you think positive, at a time when you are bald and nauseated and have a temperature of 104 and a major body part is missing.

Preachers are usually well-meaning and sincerely concerned for your welfare, so they are hard to ignore.

They are convinced that the one thing they promote is the thing that will cure your cancer, if you only do it correctly. This last part is the kicker – if it doesn’t work, you must not be doing it right.

CLUELESS

The clueless make inane comments. These comments usually fall into one of three categories:

Cancer is not really a problem. (e.g., Losing your hair/body part/health is not really a problem.)
Cancer is really a blessing. (You’ll find out who your friends are. Cancer is a gift from God because you are so strong.)
You caused your cancer.(Remember that time you had a negative thought? You are not praying hard enough.)
There are an infinite variety of idiotic remarks. When you have cancer you are liable to hear one or two that are amazingly thoughtless.

If preachers are honestly concerned for your welfare, the clueless are primarily concerned about themselves. They want you to be cheerful because it makes them more comfortable (this includes some health care personnel).

Those who deny their own sadness and grief do not want to hear about yours.

The clueless want to believe that the world makes sense, that it is fair and just, that people get what they deserve. They are willing to ignore any evidence to the contrary.

They don’t really understand your situation; they cannot see your illness from your perspective. They are not interested enough to understand, or they are too fearful of their own well being.

But their ignorance is not your problem. Education of the clueless is extremely time-consuming and frequently doomed. It should be undertaken only in desperate circumstances, or out of sheer boredom.

These people are exhausting. You may have to decide whether their company is worth the emotional cost, as you are likely to end up taking care of them.

BOLTERS

Bolters disappear when you are diagnosed with cancer.

The bolter is someone who was always around before you had cancer, but now does not call and does not show up. Bolters may or may not send a card before they leave.  (In my case they never sent a card……it was like a Houdini episode!)

When questioned, bolters make excuses: they knew you were tired, or they knew you would ask if you needed anything, thus blaming their absence on you.

Like the clueless, their distance reflects their own discomfort. They stay away because they are afraid of their own sadness or their own mortality.

A related creature is the virtual bolter. Virtual bolters may be physically present but act as if you were no longer there. They ignore you, as if you were invisible.

You find yourself not invited to events, as if you didn’t exist. You are suddenly excluded from a weekly meeting you have attended for years.  Christmas comes and go and not so much as a word.

Like the clueless, bolters are generally resistant to logic and are thought to be incurable. When they are caught and questioned they blame others, and it may be best to simply let them go.

ANGELS

Angels know what to do, and they know what you need. They drop by with a bag of groceries or they offer to walk the dog.

They will listen when you need to talk, or they can just sit next to you and be there without having to do anything or say anything. They know that just being there is doing something.

Angels tread lightly because they have no agenda of their own. They treat you like the person you always were. They know that despite the cancer you are still you.

Sometimes angels just know what you need, and sometimes they need to ask. An angel knows how to listen to the answer, how to listen to what you say and to what you’re not saying.

You can cry with angels and you can laugh with them, sometimes both at the same time.

Some are born angels. Others have to learn, which takes time and may be awkward at first.

FELLOW TRAVELERS

For fellow travelers, your cancer journey is their journey.

Family members become fellow travelers out of necessity. Others stick with you by choice.

When you have cancer, they have it too. And in some ways their journey is harder, a time of frustration and powerlessness. While you can fight the cancer, they can only observe.

Fellow travelers want to be supportive, although at first they may not know how. They can become angels but it will take time. Most of us are not good listeners, and it takes a while to learn.

You can help by being patient and by asking for what you need.

The clueless are right about one thing – there are good things about having cancer. The best is the opportunity for a closer relationship with those who care about you. And, of course, you learn who your friends are.

Copyright © 2002 Karen Ritchie M.D.
from Angels and Bolters: Women’s Cancer Scripts
www.cancerscripts.org
Permission is granted to reproduce this page for non-commercial purposes if this block is included.

I want everybody to really read this and think about it. How tall or how short somebody is; or how good looking and sexy they look on the outside; doesn’t make who a person is. Looks fade with time. Age takes everyone from vibrant and young to aging and old; if they get the opportunity to age!  Integrity, commitment and being there with a heart of service is what it is all about.

The following is a photo and quote from a neurosurgeon about his work on the brain.

I get so tired of hearing people say that oh that person won’t work in my life because he isn’t tall enough or rich enough; or intelligent enough!  She isn’t my idea of the model woman!  She is too old.

when are we all going to finally look at what’s inside; not what’s on the outside.

That being said, there are some pretty ugly people on the inside too.  I have seen it in action personally this year.  Some dense, cruel, thoughtless people who walk away when the going gets tough.

On the other hand, I think and I choose to believe that the good people outweigh the bad (and in some cases they do out weigh!! LOL) and I am finally learning that there comes a time in your life that you have to walk away from those people that continually drag you down with their ugliness, their lies, and their lack of support for me as a person.  I do need to move on. I thank them for their ugliness because it is clear I need to be somewhere else.  It is a shame that because of who they are related to, I have to lose other people in my life also because of their lies.  But I have faith,, that a time will come when everyone will know the truth.

And the truth shall set me free.

Good Morning my dear readers!

The weather has so been so beautiful and warm that I just have not sat down and attended to my blog or to twitter. I apologize.  Sometimes it is just nice to forget about cancer and treatment and live in the glorious moments of the sun.

Summer makes for times of dreams.   Time for fun and eating outside and meeting with friends if not only for a beer on the deck at the Edmond’s Tavern watching the ferry come and go.  Seattle has a pull charm about it in the summer time.  Spring comes early here and usually summer does not come in like it did this year.  This year it came early and hot with blooming flowers and grasses (ug allergies) more abundant than I have seen in years.

Or is it just because I view the beauty with different eyes?  A friend and I had a good discussion this week about what we want to accomplish in our lifetime.  Hmmm that takes on a whole new twist once you have been diagnosed with a disease that may eventually take your life.  Yes, I have discussed that sense of urgency to accomplish everything, have all the discussions with loved ones…but that has faded pretty much now…the sense of urgency.

Now I am more living in the now.  This day, this place and this conversation.  Because do we really get more than that? Perhaps not.  Back to my lady friend:  I have become more I think passive observant than I have in the past.  She is ten years older than me and just recently retired.  She talks about when she is ninety how will she feel and will she only have hung around the club house and talked with the other ladies and did gild activities.  Whoa!  I stopped her right there.

I said what makes you think you are going to get ninety?  Well my parents did!  This place does not come with a guarantee nor does it have a warranty.  The only guarantee you get in this life is that it might turn on a dime.   I have stopped living my life in tomorrow.  I do plan for things maybe just not that far out.

And my point with my friend became: what are the gifts we have that we can use now to somehow add meaning and value to our life and the lives of our community, our world? I know I would have liked to have had some kind of legacy when I am gone.

I have watched myself walk through the stages of grief.  By this I mean being kind to myself and realizing that it is necessary to go through these stages….one step at a time.  And no one can walk this journey or tell me what I will feel or that my feelings are wrong. Or right.  But I did point out to my friend, from my observation, she is not using her gifts or taking for granted that she would always have time to use those gifts.  This might not be so.  And even if it is, it is no excuse not to use those talents now.

Oh I procrastinate myself. I know.  But now being faced with a body that doesn’t work so well, that has slowed me down to face the fact I cannot physically do what I did before; I dislike it.  I don’t want to be robbed of time, of quality and of accomplishing what I came here to do.  Whatever you believe in spiritually we all have a connection to something.  Becoming aware of that connection takes many people till late in their years.  But like I told my friend, the time is now.  I get that more than ever.

Over the years I have drawn and color penciled several pictures. One of them I am told, still hangs in a friends office.  Its a picture of him and his orange Volkswagen Bug.   I don’t remember all the details of the picture I drew 20 years ago.  I am just so happy he still has it.  I wonder what symbol it means for him?  When I drew it for him, was a time in my life when I was the happiest I have ever been.  The little orange car would come cruising into my driveway in the late afternoon and my heart would fill with the most wonderful feelings of happiness.

But the car for him meant freedom.  A time of moving into a new space from a very dark space.  He was launching forward out of a bad relationship, and parent problems into a new age for him.  Unfortunately the age he was going into, I was coming out of.  He went off to have a family with a younger woman.  And that was his work to do at that time.  Twenty years later, that orange bug has driven back into my heart again.  What were the odds of that?

Do we believe in fate? Do we believe in the solstice? Do we believe in connections that are boundless?  I think so.  I think all happens in the time that it is suppose to.

I look forward in life to what will be, whatever that is.  I have faith and spirituality that what is meant to be will unfold.  And I look forward with an open heart and an open mind.  Because life is the best gift of all.

Bonnie

I suppose I have used avoidance as a behavior…yet again.  I am avoiding the thoughts and feelings associated with the caniversary I think they call it.  The one year anniversary after diagnosis.  It’s coming and I think the date was August 4th.  It was July 27th when I got laid off my job and went and had the infamous mammogram that assigned my destiny for the foreseeable future.

In ten days I have my oncology appointment.  I have already done all the blood work.  Looking at the test results I can’t see anything that screams out at me but then I don’t know what I am looking at.  I can see my diabetes is out of whack but that isn’t anything new.  My numbers have been high since December.  I am doing what I can.  My new regime of exercise includes two hours a day of swimming; a good long walk and plenty of play time with the dogs.

Stress…avoid stress is what I am told.  Life…just being here is filled with stress. How are you suppose to avoid that?  Well I have for the most part.  I just make my health a priority.  I am eating well.

But why didn’t I do this before? Why does it take a catastrophe to get us to wake up?  Do you need one to wake you up?  I hope not.

Living in denial is not a good place to live.  I am trying not to go there but some days I just need a break.

And I can only take things on so much.  I don’t remember alot of things and I am just learning to accept that and move on.  It could have been because of stress. It could just be so much anesthesia I have mush brain.  That’s why going to school has helped so much!  I have to activate this brain.  Some days it is so difficult.  My courses are very technical and in an area I have never studied before!  That is good for me because I am using my brain.

I am taking computers apart, replacing parts, testing them and doing it over again.  I find this very therapeutic! LOL  I have told everybody that I will fix things for free just to get some experience.  You shouldn’t tell people that.  You should charge them an arm and aleg and then and only THEN…do they believe you are capable of doing it!  Otherwise they stand around and look around your shoulder which is totally annoying!

The other thing I have been doing is trying to do art projects.  I have sewed some.  I have been drawing alot.  I have filled up notepads!  I have drawn tumors,  I have drawn mastectomies….and I have communicated with alot of people online.  I have met so many wonderful people fighting this cancer thing!  People that just live today!  What a testimony.  I feel like a slacker when I look at them.  But then I think, whoa – give yourself some credit here.  You had four surgeries and finally lost your left breast.  I tried so hard to hang on and save it.  Wow, do I have Elizabeth-Kubler Ross issues or what?

Well………..instead of work through my grief today; I need to do homework.  (avoidance? right)  Monday is my big exam and I need to pass this.  I can do it.  But I have to study the rest of the weekend.  This will give me a sense of accomplishment. And I need some wins in my life right now.

We all need wins!  Go out and help someone else have a win today!  You will be a winner because of it.

BONNIE IS THE WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go have a good day!  Enjoy this glorious thing called summer!

When I find some good easy to read information I like to share it.  It’s the joy of the web.  The more we ‘share’ the more we learn and can walk this journey together.  Hopefully it will save lives!

Thanks!

Bonnie

Breast Cancer Epidemiology

Incidence and prevalence

• Approximately 30% of all cancer diagnosed in U.S. women and 16% of all cancer diagnosed in the U.S.
• Approximately 15% of all cancer deaths in American women and 7% of all cancer deaths
• Approximately one million new cases annually worldwide

Incidence

• 185,000 women develop breast cancer each year in the U.S. (2005 data)
• 41,000 women die of breast cancer each year in the U.S.
• Male breast cancer: The lifetime risk is around 1 in 1000

Demographics

Age

In the U.S., a woman’s lifetime risk of developing breast cancer is estimated at 1 in 8 if she lives to be 110 (SEER 2001-2003 data from the National Cancer Institute):

• More than half the risk is incurred after the age of 60 years
• One-third of the risk occurs after age 75 years
• While the average age of breast cancer diagnosis in the general population is 62 years, women with BRCA mutations have significant risk (45%-50%) to develop an initial primary before age 50 years

A more practical way to contemplate the risk is over periods of time: from birth, the chance of developing cancer by age 50 years is 1 in 50 and the overall lifetime risk is approximately 1 in 8. Risk decreases with age in the absence of a previous diagnosis of breast cancer. For example:

• A 40-year-old woman has a 1 in 14 chance of developing breast cancer by age 70
• A 60-year-old woman has a 1 in 28 chance of developing breast cancer by age 70
• A 70-year-old woman has a 1 in 14 chance of ever developing breast cancer

Male breast cancer has a peak incidence 5 to 10 years later than that in women.

Gender

• Breast cancer is 100 times more common in women than men
• <1% of breast cancers occur in men

Race

• Ashkenazi Jews have a higher incidence of mutations in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes
• The frequency of both mutations is approximately 2.0% to 2.5% in the Ashkenazi Jewish population vs 1 in 217 in the general U.S. population
• Mutations in either of these genes confer lifetime risks of 50% to 85% for developing breast cancer and 15% to 40% for developing ovarian cancer
• Mutations are most common in Ashkenazi Jewish families with both ovarian and breast cancer (50%-90%), and less common in families with breast cancer only (25%-45%)

Genetics

• In cross-sectional studies of adult populations, 5% to 10% of women have a first-degree relative (parent, sibling, child) with breast cancer, whereas about twice as many have a second-degree relative (aunt, uncle, grandparent, grandchild, niece, nephew, or half-sibling) with breast cancer. This susceptibility may be inherited through either the mother’s or father’s side of the family. The number of affected relatives and the closeness of their biologic relationship are also important factors. In general, the greater the number of affected relatives, the younger the age at diagnosis, and the closer the biologic relationship, the greater the risk
• Genetic involvement should be suspected if there are multiple cases of early-onset (premenopausal) breast cancer within the family; if there is ovarian or fallopian tube cancer alongside a family history of breast or ovarian cancer; if breast and ovarian cancer occur in the same woman; if there is male breast cancer; if there is bilateral breast cancer; or if there is Ashkenazi Jewish heritage
• 3% to 5% of all women who have breast cancer have mutations in two genes, BRCA1 and BRCA2. This accounts for 25% of all women with some familial history of breast cancer as well as 50% to 80% of inherited breast cancer. Thus, a significant proportion of higher-risk women remains genetically unexplained. The frequency of each of the mutations in the general population is approximately 0.5% (1 in 217) in the U.S.
• The lifetime risk of developing breast cancer in a patient with either mutation is 60% to 80%
• After the initial diagnosis of breast cancer in a BRCA carrier, the risk of contralateral or ipsilateral breast cancer is higher per year (3%) than in non-carriers (1%). Although the management of most women with hereditary breast cancer differs little from the management of nonhereditary cancer, because of the 30% estimated 10-year risk of a second primary, and increased ovarian cancer risk, some women with stage I or II breast cancer may choose to undergo prophylactic contralateral mastectomy as part of their initial treatment plan. The incidence of a second primary also appears to be reduced by oophorectomy and tamoxifen, each of which appears to reduce risk by approximately 50%
• Both of these genes are involved in the cellular response to DNA damage and interact with other proteins involved in double-stranded DNA repair
• In general, one allelic mutation is inherited and the other allele becomes somatically mutated in the patient, thereby rendering an aberrant protein product leading to increased susceptibility for development of cancer
• The pattern of inheritance is autosomal dominant in a family, with passage either through the maternal or paternal lineage, although at the molecular level, both alleles must be mutated for the syndrome to be expressed: new (de novo) mutations are rare so will usually find an associated family cancer history; ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) is rare in BRCA carriers compared with control patients without mutations
• Higher lifetime risk (20%-60%) and earlier age of onset of ovarian cancer than seen for women in the general population (1.5%) require referral to a gynecologic oncologist to discuss option of prophylactic salpingo-oophorectomy

BRCA1:

• Mutations are more common in families with both breast and ovarian cancer (approximately 81% of such families)
• Women with BRCA1 mutations appear to have a lifetime breast cancer risk similar to that of women with BRCA2 mutations, although the age of onset for both breast and ovarian cancer may be somewhat younger in BRCA1 families
• Cumulative risk for breast cancer by age: 30 years (3.2%); 40 years (19%); 50 years (51%); 60 years (54%); 70 years (85%)
• Histology: see excess of breast cancers with medullary features, basaloid phenotype, and more frequently negative for estrogen and progesterone receptors, ERBB2 (formerly HER2 or HER2/neu)/c-erb-2 and cyclin-D
• Higher lifetime risk (20%-60%) and earlier age of onset of ovarian cancer than for women in the general population (1.5%), requires referral to gynecologic oncologist to discuss option of prophylactic salpingo-oophorectomy
• Some BRCA1 families also have male breast cancer although this is more commonly seen in BRCA2 families
• Families also have a higher incidence of prostate cancer with male carriers having a 3-fold risk over the general population

BRCA2:

• Mutations seen less frequently in families with both breast and ovarian cancer (approximately 14% of such families)
• Women with BRCA2 mutations appear to have a lifetime breast cancer risk similar to that of women with BRCA1 mutations, although the age of onset for both breast and ovarian cancer may be somewhat older in BRCA2 families
• Cumulative risk for breast cancer by age: 30 years (4.6%); 40 years (12%); 50 years (46%); 60 years (61%); 70 years (85%)
• Breast tumors in BRCA2 carriers tend to be similar in histology to their nonhereditary counterparts
• Lower lifetime risk of ovarian cancer (10%-27%) than BRCA1 families but still significant over general population risk of 1.5%. Also earlier age of onset requires referral to gynecologic oncologist to discuss option of prophylactic salpingo-oophorectomy
• Male carriers have a 6% lifetime risk for developing breast cancer
• An increased risk of prostate (3-fold) and pancreatic cancer (1%-2% lifetime)

Klinefelter’s disease:

• Men with this syndrome with enlarged breasts have the same risk of breast cancer as do women – roughly 50 times the risk as men in the general population

Family history:

• After gender and age, a positive family history is the strongest known predictive risk factor for breast cancer: one first-degree relative gives a relative risk of 1.5 to 2.0 (even higher if the relative had bilateral or premenopausal breast cancer); two first-degree relatives give a relative risk of 5.0
• Risk varies according to age at which the affected relative was diagnosed: the younger that age, the greater the risk in relatives. This effect is strongest for women with breast cancer younger than 50 years who had a first-degree relative (parent, sibling, child) affected before age 50 years
• In most cases an extensive family history (two or more relatives in either the maternal or paternal lineage) is present, although if a patient is diagnosed with breast cancer at an early age (20-40s), or in families with few women, a possible genetic effect may be masked. Thus, when in doubt, refer to a genetic specialist for more comprehensive risk assessment (more than four relatives in the same biological line affected) is not present

Geography

• Incidence of breast cancer increases when populations migrate from areas of low incidence of breast cancer to those with high incidence, indicating that environmental factors are important
• Highest rates are in Western countries (>100 cases per 100,000 women) and lowest are in Asian countries (10-15 cases per 100,000 women)
• Within a country, rates can be greater in urban areas than rural
• Rates can be associated with religious and cultural differences (e.g. Mormons have a much lower breast cancer rate than the general population)

To bring about real change…. in myself has been difficult. I don’t know what changes I am suppose to have had or done during this cancer battle.  And I will call it a battle because it has been; and continues to be to get myself physically back to or in better shape than I was.

I swim two hours a day now.  A habit I have been doing for over six weeks now. I have missed four days when i went to Idaho and I missed it each and every day.  The pool is only open until labor day so I have until then to get me a job so I can afford to use an indoor pool this winter.  Its crucial for my arm to recover and regain full use.  I hope it will and it has dramatically improved but its probably only at 20 percent.  Its hard to use the computer when you cannot life your arm up.  It goes quite well now side to side; but not up

I can also carry a bag of groceries now.  not to far, but from the car to the house!  That is victory for me!  That was a long time coming.  Many trips back and forth using the right arm only and not even that arm much.  Any kind of weight pulled across my chest.

I guess I have to finish this in the morning because i just about fell asleep at the computer until somebody let off a firework bomb.  oh well sleep well everyone.  Tomorrows another day. I hope my brain just will turn off and let me sleep!

Ciao!

Breast Cancer Is Not a Pink Ribbon.

The Project is coming to Houston Texas.  It explores the lives of women as early as 18 and as old as 35 and the physical displays of their outcome after breast cancer…or during depending.  You should definitely check this out and you will see for yourself the devistation left by cancer surgery.  It isn’t a pretty site.

And the hole left on your chest is nothing compared to the hole left in your psyche or heart.  So much of the message of women and about women has been and continues to be about physical appearance.

Take away your physical appearance….hmmm… but what about taking away your physical being?

maybe most of you don’t get that.  A part of you missing.  Just a reminder……..

You can check out David Jay’s images at this site.  I will give him his due respect and not post any of his art here.  Maybe I should say their art.

It leaves me with a hollow sunk heart. View it if you dare.

http://www.thescarproject.org/book/    and choose images.

Good Morning!

The good thing about getting things off your chest; is that you feel better later.  And that’s how I feel much better.  It’s hard for the rest of you I know, especially if you don’t have cancer or haven’t had cancer.  Cancer is a weird little demon with such strength and power to mess not only with your body; but with your mind and with the emotions and minds of all your friends.

Just about when I think I am okay with this whole mastectomy thing…and trust me I know I am not okay with it…last night at the pool a lady started crying when I got out of the pool…wet suit and all and was drying off.  Of course I was taken off guard.  I haven’t been wearing any prosthesis in the pool.  Why should I?  Its inconvenient and it drags you down in the water.  And I just don’t care.  Gees I was surprised.

I don’t know what to say to touchy feely people.   I am so use to the other ones that are just rude and say stupid things, or people that just ignore me ….so I just hugged her.  It was fine.

Good thing she did that after the clock incident!  i did mention the clock incident yesterday didn’t I?  Well for those of you that didn’t read yesterdays post or if I didn’t mention it…I had an accident with an antique clock yesterday.  It fell off the wall as I was coming into the kitchen carrying a chair and hit me in the shoulder…the frozen shoulder.  Now a frozen shoulder is not immune to pain.  The clock fell crashing down to the floor and I guess that was the straw that broke the camel’s back and I had a melt down!

I stomped on the face of the clock breaking the glass face and then I picked it up and banged it on the wall.  I hate this trailer and I hate that clock and I threw it out the back door as hard as I could.  Which might not be all that hard because I am not very strong but it hit the vacant house next to me and shattered.     It is now in the garbage and my temper tantrum is over.  I said many bad words very loudly and I am sure the neighbors think I am insane.

I guess everyone needs a melt down now and then.

Sorry clock.  I hated your ticking anyway.  You know….here is some more baggage out of my life.  Why do we hang on to crap just because its probably got some value, when we don’t even like it?  More crap out of my life.  Good!

Marching onward..I have to go take another test and prepare for the Fourth of July.  I am going to have some fun tomorrow!  I am going to be glad that I have the opportunity to just have a day of relaxing and trying out my new BBQ!

Go forth and have a good day.  life is good.

Bonnie