The Tree of Cancer

Having a frozen shoulder is definitely no picnic.  What is a frozen shoulder you ask?  I asked the same thing.  The oncologist told me to look it up on the internet. Thanks doc!

Quoted from E How Health ”

Frozen shoulder, medically known as adhesive capsulitis, affects the shoulder joint, causing pain, stiffness and hindered range of motion. It is most often caused by inflammation of the shoulder joint, though it can also be caused by having your arm in a fixed position (such as when in a sling) for an extended period of time.” The condition is a long-range one, worsening and then healing itself over a span of 24 to 36 months. In most cases, the condition fixes itself through physical therapy, although rare cases do require surgery.‘

Well, (sigh) I realize it is wonderful they have cured my cancer.  The description of the frozen shoulder said ‘fixed position’ for a long period of time.  So all of you out there that might have breast surgery, be aware that you will probably hold your arm at an angle that ‘protects’ your breast area after the surgery ! If you don’t get busy and move it quickly, it will freeze in place.  I disagree with some of the description, because it was not so painful, as it was and is…limiting. I cannot lift my arm up – straight out or higher. I cannot touch my left hand to my left ear.  Its difficult to shut the car door.  The arm has no strength and the muscles have deteriorated in the bicep area.  Oh, no body told me to do anything except wall crawls and I told them I couldn’t do that. Nobody was listening and it was painful.  It was probably the frozen shoulder that was all the pain in the beginning.  Now the shoulder muscles are connected by scar tissue to the incision site.

The answer to all this is lots and lots of physical therapy and massage.  It is improving every day. I have a long list of very simple exercises to do.  But the one thing the doc wanted me to do was stay off the computer.  Oh, wonderful.  So I did that for three days that has just made it worse.

I guess it won’t be forever, its just another in the list of annoying things to handle while you are recovering from a mastectomy.  I get so irritated with the lack of communication and medical coordination of recovery after surgery for cancer patients. I have talked to so many women that are so horrified with what they experienced they will not go back to the doctor anymore.  Right where I live there are at least nine women who have experienced an assortment of side effects, that I think could have been eliminated.

I do want to say to all of you, that if you ever have something major wrong with you, that you get an advocate that goes with you to the hospital and participates in your aftercare.  Its not an experience to do by yourself, and you of course, are going to miss some things and forget alot of things. You cannot depend on the medical community for your care, they don’t have the time to followup on everyone. And it is your body, so be very kind to it so it will reward you with years of continued use!!

So I am doing my exercises religiously.  I am also on track to monitor my diabetes very carefully.  It has not been a big deal before because I know I have to watch it, be careful what I eat.  However, surgeries and various medications (Arimidex) have totally thrown my diabetes off track!  This makes me so mad but, here is what I am doing:  meditation, reading, walking, deep breathing, focusing, letting go of old grudges/hurts and being kind to myself.

Being kind to myself is something I haven’t done justice to myself in the past couple of years, when things were financially difficult, I was in between jobs and going to school (which I loved) and studying the law, I didn’t take the best care of myself.  but that was the past and cancer has taught me to focus, cause ‘me’ is all I have left.   The time is now!

Getting up in the morning, I am glad to wake up.  I stretch, judge my pain level and deciding where its at, put my pillow to my chest and get up slowly, then remove the pillow, and I can stand.

May you never get the opportunity to have cancer. May the sun always rise and shine, and joy be in your hearts!  If you do get it, know that there is hope, there are wonderful people that will help you but you have to ask.    Friendship comes from the most unexpected places.  Cherish those friends!  know that you are loved.  And I know that I am loved. I don’t always feel like it, but then I need to review it and tell myself the truth! I use to drive my kids crazy when they were young by asking them, are you telling yourself the truth?  It was a book I had read, Telling Yourself the Truth and I don’t remember the author.  But he said we don’t tell ourselves the truth, we listen to the lies in our head…and we need to sweep them out like we clean our floors…swish swish…go away…truth come in!

Have a good night and a fantastic weekend.  I think I am back. I think I need my blog.

Bonnie

For months all I have thought about is disease, treatment, recovery and doctors appointments.  Now I am back in school since February 1, and my life is focusing a different direction.

Yesterday i took a quiz on Operating Systems. I picked this one, cause I watched all the video and did all the text reading, and this is the one I felt the weakest in.  I upgrade my machine from Windows Vista Home to Windows 7 the week before and what a nightmare.  I am trying to jump start my brain and its pretty slow.  So what did I get on the test?  55%……………ouuuuuuuuuuuuu.  How awful!!!  Okay, its probably pretty good it is that high.  I have no where to go but up!

Every day I walk.  I don’t feel like it, but once I start, its great.  The pain goes much less, and the shoulder works better, and my brain opens like a flower that has been closed for the evening.  Fresh air does wonders.  I walk and my blood sugar goes from 200 to 105! Perfect.  Just left, right, left, right and things are getting better.

Have you ever really thought about your life?  So many days we walk through it in routine.  Cancer has a way of kicking your butt to awareness.  My cancer is gone.  It was thrown out in September, I believe it was. I have already forgotten the date.  the DCIS was there until November, when lefty took a dive into the sewer.  But the rest is gone.  Cancer has left the house.

And its time to make some new goals, objectives and tasks to go forward.  I am thinking about taking a trip.  A road trip.  I can do my school work on the road trip, because I won’t be traveling to far or fast anyway.  But I will write about it.  Who knows if I will come back.

I have taken off my sunglasses.

Good Morning,

Wow last night we watched an older movie…RED.  I had no idea what it was going to be about but it was about retired CIA agents, and like the title says “extremely dangerous”.  It was hilarious.  It stars Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Mary Louise Parker, John Malcovich and Ernst Borgnine.  I laughed so hard!!

Laughing is good for your soul.  That movie took me out to another place for 90 minutes and just made me happy, and comfortable and relaxed.  That’s what entertainment can do to us for awhile.  Whisk us off to another place and time.  I think we all need that once in awhile, more than we know.

Friends are the next best thing, and the old friends have shared so many things with you over the years.  I am blessed to have alot of friends that have held the test of time.  I am so thankful for them.  When I look on my facebook page, I have only to be reminded of that and I am happy.

Social Media has allowed us to all connect, just a little bit more.  We can catch up with what others are doing.  Sometimes things are not good, but it brings us together so we don’t have to feel alone in this big old world.   It all helps to get through it all easier.  And we help each other.  Isn’t that what it is all about.  We may share many spiritualities, that are not the same, but the common root of all is love and faith.  Faith gets us through!

I recently found a new magazine online, that brought some great books to my attention.  Hope for Women is the magazine and it can be found at: www.http://hopeforwomenmag.com/

The great book I found to read is Getting Past What You’ll Never Get Over, by John Westfall.  Here is a post from the book…I loved it!  “When hard times strike, we look forward with longing to the day when we will “get over” the event and have closure. This is a difficult–often impossible–road to travel. There are some things in life that we must learn to live with because they will never truly go away for good. Despite that truth, there is life–rewarding and abundant life–after heartache and pain. In Getting Past What You’ll NEVER Get Over author John F. Westfall shares stories with wisdom, humor, and vulnerability, and shows you how to move forward beyond fear, regret, guilt, anger, and bitterness into a life worth living.”  

Last year when I was in Spokane, I met a 37 year young man at a nursing home, who purchased my Wii from me.  He had a spinal tumor and had been left a quadriplegic.  He was happy, smiling, and going around in his scooter chair, and had just purchased a van!  He did not give up.  He looked for things he could still do, and people that he wanted to meet. He was truly interested in others and going forward. He was the most amazing young man, and still is.  When his life turned left, he just kept going.  When times get rough, I remember his journey and the fact he will Never get over this; but to him it doesn’t matter 100% of the time.    He played cards, videos, and enjoyed calling people on the phone.  He is terrific.

There’s also another good movie that just came out, Passions.  Which is a true story about a man that had polio as a child and is in an iron lung as an adult 21 hours a day.  This is an outstanding film staring Helen Hunt who helps him realize his dreams and overcome a dibilitating situation.  But its a story of overcoming, and still living!  It was a very good film, not meant for children but very uplifting to adults for hope and inspiration.

HOPE……hiding out…probably everywhere!  You just have to look for it!  Go find your hope today, or go give hope today somewhere!  You will feel all the better for it!

Bonnie

The Pacific Northwest is terrible for disease. People don’t get enough light here.  We are the capital for MS and other lack of vitamin D diseases.

There are so many great things about living in Puget Sound.But it is expensive, and its gloomy 8 months out of the year but its those other four that draw us to it.  It is always green, if you can’t have sun, green is good!

Its hard to get out and do things when it is so gloomy, and you don’t feel like getting wet. You don’t feel like it here.  But once you get out of the house, this place has many things to offer, lots to do, views to die for even in the rain.  The rain cleans things out.  The air is fresh, so the pollution appears minimal. I don’t know. Its probably awful, but it smells so good after the rain.  Its like a new beginning.

The daffodils are opening, and to me, its like mother nature reaching up from the ground and saying take my hand, you have made it another year.  Everything is going to be all right.  And, everything is going to be all right, no matter what the end is  or when it comes.

I had such a good week, that on the weekend, I just relaxed and thought about it.  But I am going to get out and go to dinner with friends tonight, watch a movie and laugh and probably most of all, relax.  Cancer has slowed me down, and for the better.  I take time to see what is in my sight.

I started my school program, and I enjoying it alot.  Some things were silly in the book because they were so old.  And then I realized, yes, so am I!!  I lived when we did things like that, when technology was like that.  we spoke to each other, not text.  I can get into text now, but its no substitute, and people get their nose so far out of joint because they assume stuff you didn’t even mean.  And what’s even worse, they won’t pick up the gosh darn phone and either ask you, confront you, or just clarify anything. I think this generation is a bunch of )($**** and then we find ourselves thinking probably, just like our parents did about us.

Nothing is really new.  It is just repetition – our version.

Have a good night.

Hey Everybody,

It’s Valentines Day!  love day, national love day!

Love comes in all kinds of shapes, sizes, people, pets and situations.  Love isn’t always easy.  It takes an extreme amount of communication and commitment.

I have just had the most amazing week.  I found out I was healthy again.  I am recovering albeit slowly.  I will fully get my use of my arm back. Its better everyday and I am thankful.

Everything is going well.  Today is truly a new beginning.  I am lucky or blessed, or whatever you want to ‘name’ it.

My school and  money grants have been approved through 2015.  That’s a dream come true.  I did not have the opportunity to go to school when I was younger.  So I am doing it now.  Its never too late.  I am surrounding myself with supportive people and a new beginning.  I don’t know where the journey will take me, but I am glad to be going on the ride.

I wish you all a happy Valentine’s day, and a beautiful life.

I got the best gift of all this week….the gift of expecting life to be here for me, for  there to be more opportunities for love, for service, for growth and for a future.  So for now, look out world…cause here I come!

Bonnie

As I woke up this morning, there was a bit of hesitation in my step and my attitude.  I knew as the day progressed I would get through a meeting with my student adviser on taking an exam I am dreading.  Next up was my physical therapy appointment and they changed therapists on me.  One thing I have come to learn about myself in the breast cancer challenge, is that I like things to be consistent.  I don’t mind adding people to my life but I do not like taking them away.

Last u p on the agenda was the meeting with the oncologist. I had not seen him since the big surgery.  All my blood work was done and the tests waiting evaluation.  I nervously went about the day.  I avoided caffeine so not to up my anxiety level.  I suffer from anxiety problems anyway, so when its real, it rises to the surface.

Wandering around, picking up dishes, feeding the dogs, trimming Mimzy’s bad nail and giving her a few extra pats as I sit in the chair and prepare for the oncology appointment.  I finally gave up and left an hour and half early and went and got a pedicure! I had not been in six months and my toes were in need!!  I don’t wear polish anymore because of the formaldehyde in most polishes.  Oh the pedicure was fantastic.

I felt like crying on the way to the oncologist. I was so emotional. What the heck is this all about? I sat in the parking lot in the car for 20 minutes.   I was thinking about waiting for the results just last August.  Sitting in the car, just like today, waiting to find out.  and then it came…..I just didn’t want the same result.  I don’t know how people do this.

Well, it was good.  The results were pretty good.  Yes my hair is falling out but he thinks that is stress.  I need to de-stress for the next foreseeable future…like ten weeks. holy cow, ten weeks?  And I shouldn’t go back to work either.  Hmm well I am going to school, and should not sit to long at the computer or have my arms in the wrong position.

I have a frozen shoulder.  Well, I was so happy I didn’t have cancer anymore I could hardly worry about the shoulder.  I will do the physical therapy.  I can spend less time on the computer.  More time walking, breathing, and maybe traveling around the PNW.

I am so thankful.   Wow.  This total load was lifted, even from my poor frozen shoulder.  I massaged it and told it that we are at the end of all the stress, and I will be all right.

How much time do we waste doing stupid things in our life, or worrying about silly things of which we have no control over and are not worth our time or effort?

For example:

1. Dieting.  This country is obsessed with body image.  Women and men, and now more than ever, children are being focused on dieting.  I think children should focus on being children and let the adults do the food choices.  My personal opinion.  The rest – quit obsessing.  Make a plan and stick to it.  Get on with life. Fall down, get up.
2. fashion:  Another culturally opinionated waste of time.  Wear what you want to wear and looks good on you.  Recently, there was a fashion show for women 50+ on the web somewhere. It is not even worth showing a link to.  Women over 30 would not wear that crap they showed.  Maybe fashion can influence us because like last year – lime green was in.  You could hardly go anywhere shopping and not see lime green.  Give me a break. Lime green does not look good on everybody.
3. Technology:  Who is driving this? Our needs, or the marketing and sales of high tech companies?  I think we all need to learn common sense.  But its hard to keep up with technology, and as it changes, our existing software and hardware cannot keep up until we upgrade.  This is an expensive lesson.  Why do I need to twitter I asked.  Well, now I love it and do it all the time. Yikes another addiction given in to.  Lots of time wasters out there.
4. Jumping to conclusions.  Need I say more

Cancer sure does have a point to wake you up to time constraints!  Which is a good thing.  But its too bad by that time, that its a little late.  However, I will take it and try to manage my choices and priorities.

Tomorrow is my oncology three month check up.  I got the lab results back today, and here is another place I can jump right to conclusions or not.  Some of the test results do not look good. Of course, I am no doctor and I don’t know what to expect after the last six months.  I am just saying a few prayers for myself, and hope to have a positive outcome.

But there goes fear, lurking in the background.  )($* go away.

Talk to you tomorrow, after the appointment.

How is it, that some songs from 30 years ago will stick in your head and replay themselves when you want to sleep?  And other times, I can’t remember any of the words.  Why does the brain do that?  And I want to know how our brains are so much like computers, or is it the other way around? Whoever developed the computer must have thought alot about how the brain works.

I have this song in my head going round and round, and I am trying to figure out how to get rid of it.  The song is “Sunday Sunday” I think, probably from the 70s…Sunday Sunday you’ve been so gooooood to me…on Sunday Sunday la lalalala.  I don’t get enough of the words to clearly make sense but the tune is there running through my head.

Last night I had trouble sleeping.  I can get to sleep, but I cannot stay asleep. Its that old bladder thing that makes you get up, and then I cannot go back to sleep.  that’s really rude. I tried not drinking anything after six pm, like I use to do with my kids when they were being night trained; but it doesn’t work.  I just get thirsty and wake up.

My main thought is its a combination of taking vitamins to late in the day, or the fact this physical therapy is moving things around and I feel better most of the time.  Other times the exercises just creep me out.  I hate moving skin on my incision site.  Its creepy and makes me feel sick to my stomach.  The lymph fluid stuff has gone way down.  That’s great, but wearing this compression garment is so hot!!! Thank god it is winter, because surely I couldn’t tolerate this in the winter.

My whole body is rebelling against this exercise program. I feel like my back is going out from flexing and holding my shoulder blades back.  Well my whole system is out of whack because I have a body part missing, that actually weighed quite a bit and it has to adjust.

This week is oncology week so I am a little nervous.  Its my three month checkup and I already did the blood work.  Talk about pray, bargain, deal……………no more ‘c’ please.  Good results I hope!

Now almost everyone I know is going through something or another this year.  I cringe when they tell me.  And, I am glad it is not me, and that makes me feel bad I think that way, but I have just had enough this round.  It must be that good old catholic guilt.

I just want to find that center place of peace and happiness.  So each day I choose to be happy ( and then there is the dog that threw up right as we were going out the door this morning) and try to keep that happy attitude.  My  program coordinator says I am doing fantastic. She says its normal to grieve.  Well, I am ready to be done with that too but that doesn’t seem how it works.  She asks me if I am depressed, and I tell her what the heck do you ask me that for when you just said I was doing fantastic.  Obviously I am not doing fantastic.

Depressed, who wouldn’t be.  Thankful, grateful, and sometimes happy is the best I can do right now.  Nervous about the future, a little bit.  I need to go back to work before I drive myself bonkers.  So I am going to make a plan, write down the plan, and figure out some milestones so I make a little progress.  Left, right, left right, all around the town.  Spring will get here and that surely will help.

I think I need a vacation, and I think that will go on my plan.  Life is short, no one will ever remember how long or how much you worked when you are gone.

Cheers! Here is to a solid, good day on this side of the grass!

Bonnie

Hey,

Physical therapy turned out to be very good..very good feeling anyway.  I have a great therapist who was not afraid to look at me, who listened to what my complaints were, and she identified very quickly what to do to relieve as much as she could.

Side effects, complications, its all mind boggling.  What you thought would take six weeks to be all over with passes the seventh month mark, and there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

No  wonder women are so mad at this disease.

Next week marks my 3 month after the last surgery. I have all the blood tests to go do tomorrow, and then the appointment on the 12th.  I just found out yesterday I have lymphedema in the abdominal area not in the arm.  I never even knew it could go there.  And my scar is attached to my arm and the chest scar is attached to the skin under it, and it all must be broken lose.  I have to do some of it myself in daily exercises but next week she will loosen what I was not able to this coming week.

Its all fun.  I sure hope this is going to be over someday.

Mary Catherine’s boutique in Seattle was a good place to get a compression garment. I never even heard of them before.  Its something like wearing an old fashioned corset…so tight you can barely breathe but its suppose to compress and move out the fluid …I wonder where its moving?

I am going to go off somewhere and have a bad attitude for awhile, and then figure out the next hour.

left right left right………….

Good Morning Everyone,

Spring is waking up slowly in Seattle, and this is early for us!  I can tell because my beautiful Sheltie is starting to shed her undercoat which never happens till late March.  I am so glad its coming!

I am grateful for many things, and seeing spring come is definitely one of them.

I forgot my password, and could not even get into my account to post an update.  Forgetting things has definitely been a problem for me the month of January.  I have figured out that I need a set of tools to deal with this.  Starting with a list everyday, is helping.  Keeping the list handy with a pen, is even better because if I don’t write it down then I forget!! LOL  I also have a calendar close by.  I could keep it online, but then I would have to find it…

Sometimes having anesthesia will temporarily do this to you, and I hope its temp!!  And I had it three times, so go figure!

One area that I get concerned about, is early cancer and the crap people do or do not tell patients about.  Mostly its do.  There are sites where supposedly RNs are giving advice, and I know some of this advice is not entirely correct.

My Advice:  Stay positive but stay smart. 

Do what’s best for your body and your life, using your oncologist’s input, and have your family help if they will.  Now, I hear the groans from them; but remember your loved one is probably on pain meds, overly stressed, and not sure what to do.  Hopefully family members are ‘present’ and a help to the patient.  They need help, or at least a discussion, to help with a decision.  Don’t be afraid to say anything. We are all in this together.  The patient can still make up their own mind, and that’s okay.

I will give you an example, for me.  I was on pain meds from the first decision to have a lumpectomy.  It wasn’t clear margins, so of course they want to do another lumpectomy, and get clear margins.  No, that did not work either.  So I had a few weeks to make a decision, which was terrifying me and I was on pain meds, and anti anxiety medication.  Gosh, is that a good time to make a life choice?  To decide to lose part of your body?

Now, shut up and don’t tell me well ‘you already made the decision and you just live with it’.  I know that. That is not what I am talking about.   But maybe it will help somebody else to know – to ask for help, in making this decision.  Not just feel like you are left out there, in the fog to make this decision.  I wouldn’t change what I did.  But my decision was partially based on the fact they said if I had lumpectomy, I had to do radiation….even if it was three lumpectomies.  For my early  stage BC, I could have decided not to do that.  It is a lot of decision making to do while under extreme pressure.

I can tell you that my experience is that there are a lot of choices. Having somebody close to you that helps with the decision is nice, but again, ultimately it is your choice.  You have to live with these results!

And nobody tells you, at the time, how you are going to feel about your body when it is missing a major part.  And how long it is going to take to recover.  That is another whole story which is individual and when I feel physically and mentally able, I will write about that.

I am glad that I have a high self-esteem.  I might have a missing breast, but I am a nice person, contribute to society, work hard and enjoy my life.  Cancer does change you forever, but it certainly can be for the better. I don’t see all of that YET, because I am so new.  But I can tell you that after surviving a major car accident in 1998, and breaking two vertebrae in my neck which resulted in my developing type 2 diabetes – it was one of the best ending results…I cleaned up my diet.  I can do better.  I paid attention to life and have kept side effects under control for 15 years.  I am not on insulin yet, but that wouldn’t be the worst thing either because it works to control blood levels, whereas pills work but are not as swift.

And I promised to mention a word about family…which has a wide definition.  And I hope my family is listening.  I feel that each of us in this situation did what we could do.  If  you did nothing, that is fine too.  This was my journey, and each of you did what you could do, and for that I am grateful.  Even if it was nothing, I let it go.  I might have needed nothing at that time.  So don’t think I am beating you up in my head somewhere, for what you may or may not have done….because I am not. I love you for who you are and where you are, and I am okay with it.

We need to all cut each other some slack!    It is OK.

So I have survived a lot of things in my life, death of my best friend Olga, boyfriend Barry and Mike before that, diabetes, and now breast cancer!  I am survivor, whether I get three years or 20. I am going to live that time to the best of my ability, with what I have, and love my friends and family to the best of my ability, and let the rest go like a bunch of filled balloons floating off to the heavens.

Have a great day!