Hi Everyone,

Summer and Vitamin D have arrived in Seattle!  The heat is on. Wow it has been hot.  I have been swimming almost everyday until yesterday and then I didn’t feel so hot! Instead I took myself to a movie and had a few laughs!

I seen the Movie ‘Heat’.  And you are probably all wondering what this has to do with having cancer!  Well taking care of yourself is a very important part of this disease.  And going to a movie on a hot day to escape the heat in an unairconditioned house is priceless!

I know its a lesson I still am learning.  Of course, Rome wasn’t built in a day! I have to laugh here because I can see my youngest daughter just grimacing as I say that.  She  hates it when I say these kinds of things which my whole generation is infamous for!  They are lessons learned!  Live with it.  Learn from it.  Grow from it.

I have been writing nightly with a dear friend who is going through something very difficult in his life.   That’s what friends do…or should do is just ‘listen’.  Comfort.  This disease has taught me that what we really need is just plain old comfort.  and we deserve it!  And we can give it also.

Stop judging.  If you can do one thing for a friend or family  member just plain shut the fuck up with your righteous judgment and know it all attitude.  I don’t want your religious beliefs.  I don’t want your meditative practices and advice.  I have enough shit going on to just figure out what the doctors want me to do and when.  I have enough crap going on just trying to physically let alone financially survive.

And for those of you that I gave money too, shame on you for not making an effort to pay it back!  Some weeks I have not even been able to put food on the table. I hope you are enjoying your meals.  And me with cancer and surgeries; and you running around and not even so much as a card. And you know who you are.

So this post might just bing me off the employ-ability sector but I think it is long time that I opened my mouth and said what I really feel and get it off my chest.

No everything is not going well.  Its amazing that when people call and they ‘might’ ask how I am doing…the fact that they really don’t want to hear what I have to say.  They want me to say that I am fine and I don’t need anything; that I certainly don’t want to share anything with them…because they don’t want to hear it.  They want everything to just be fine.  Well its not fine.

I am not responsible for this disease. I didn’t do anything to get it.  Its not my fault.  So stop treating me like it is!!!!!!!!!!

I am writing a book about my journey.  Its going to be an include all because it is the one way I am going to get all this ‘off my chest’.  Now isn’t that a funny euphemism……I had to lose a breast to get it off my chest.  Wow…I might put that on a t shirt.  I found a publisher through this blog or should I say she found me?

In my own review,  I am a really good person.  I have been very generous in my lifetime with others.  I have loved my friends and family.  I have always had a volunteer job of one type or another since I was 19 when I worked in the big sister program. I enjoy volunteer work and I acknowledge that I get alot out of it personally. I have been working since 14.

In case I haven’t said it often enough; thank you to my supportive friends and family. 

Now I think I will go enjoy my day.  I feel pounds lighter.

Good morning Everyone!

What a glorious day to be alive!  I am so thankful for some of the people I have met along this journey they call cancer.  Today I would like to tell you about some of them.

I have found that in the face of diversity; people really find the internal strength to face tremendous adversity and still thrive!  Two women have given me encouragement, wonderful examples; and the best gift of all…friendship.

Ashley is a young woman who lives in the Washington, D.C. area who has Stage IV pancreatic cancer.  Yes the bad stuff that took Steve Jobs from us.  Its a very painful cancer.  She’s young and recently married to her childhood sweetheart Tim.  Everyday this girl tackles life and is out there living.  Last weekend she raised almost a million dollars for pancreatic cancer research in ‘the other Washington’!  She did a 5K fun run! And this girl is very sick.  She has been briefly in and out of the hospital lately for things that would have killed us!  Yet she continues her work as a cancer research advocate.  And she takes time to answer people’s comments on her blog which she writes almost daily.

She makes me feel exhausted when I read her page which can be found by searching CancerKickinGirl on Facebook or just type it into google.  And did I mention she is beautiful?  She is beautiful on the outside but also on the inside.  “What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us” (Emerson) and Ashley is an overall beautiful package.  Please take time to read her blog.

I am so thankful to have met her.  I don’t even remember how it happened but she’s been in my life for at least six months now.

The other woman I want to comment on is Ann Silberman from Sacramento, CA who writes a blog called “But Doctor, I hate Pink”.  Her blog won the 2012 Health and Wellness Blog.  She is stage IV breast cancer and for me, has been a wealth of information.  Ann is married with two sons and strives daily to survive to stay in their lives and eventually see her son off to college.  Her blog is uplifting, inspiration and at times very hard on the ‘pink’ community!  I have gotten to know that alot of breast cancer survivors hate the pink communities. I won’t even go there this morning.

Both of these women, and so many other women and men, out there are fighting this horrible disease as best they can.  You probably have someone in your life that you know and probably don’t think about to often because you think they are doing fine.  Take some time out of your day to do ‘something’ for one of them. Every little is appreciated more than you can imagine and is important more than you know.  The little things you take for granted like being able to pick up your dry cleaning or even take your dry cleaning out; would make their day better.

And a phone call is an easy thing that you can do.  To just have a smile in your voice and let them know you have their back!

I hope you all have a good day and that someone always has your ‘back’!

Bonnie

I took some time to just go have some fun today!  I went on the bus to downtown Seattle!  Pike’s Place Market is steaming with a fresh influx of tourists and of course, its crowded.  Right in front of the market the Seattle Police Department were attempting to arrest an Asian man who seemed to be causing a loud ruckus and not cooperating with them trying to put him in their cruiser.

Oh I stood  there and thought, this is not a safe place to be. It would be just my luck to get shot as a bystander in downtown on a sticky Friday afternoon.  Our city sort of has a reputation for not dealing so well with the homeless or ‘drunk ‘ guy – which I think this guy was.  I would not take on the Seattle police for anything.  Gosh I think they shot a guy with a rat tail comb last year.  You have to be careful!  But this guy had a shoe fall off and he didn’t want to be handcuffed till he got his shoe on.  Seemed reasonable to me but sorry folks, I didn’t come to his rescue.  I moved on!  I leave the saving up to Jesus these days!

The flowers were in full bloom of course! I so love Seattle in the summer.  And today is the first full day of Summer right? Solstice too I think.  Let me see if I can find my picture of the moon they are predicting for June 23rd. well I couldn’t find my photo…but June 23rd is suppose to be when the moon is going to be the closest to the earth in like a million years or something.  So be sure and go outside late Sunday night and catch the moon up close. I will try and take some pictures if it is not overcast here.

Lots of stuff going on in the Northwest.  This is Ironman weekend over in Coeur d Alene and that’s when they swim bike and run for an entire day!  I never could understand all that non stop exercising but I suppose its fun and if you have a body that is working well….well I would give it a try.  I go back and forth in the pool real slow for two hours and I feel like a major accomplishment.

Hey we need to start small and work up to a larger amount of exercise. Its true at any age if you ‘ve been sick.

Ya know what I have noticed lately that has changed?  Changed like really big?  I am happy!  yes I felt it yesterday.  and I thought….what is that weird feeling..yup that’s it. I feel it again.

I am changing.  The black cloud of crap has lifted and i do see the light at the end of the tunnel and it is NOT the train.  Its JOY!!!!!!!!!!!

Go forth and conquer!  Hugs to all.

Bonnie

Good Morning!

Hopefully our weather is rebounding back to nice so I can get back into the pool.  I think today it will have to be back in the pool even if it is cold. I need to get my exercise in and keep that arm moving!

Many of you have sent me little things over the past six months whether it has just been a welcomed greeting or a pizza delivered on Friday night (Thank you Jennifer!).  Today a little box arrived by UPS and it jiggled and sounded interesting!  It was from a far off place and interestingly enough there was no return address on the box.

Upon opening the box, I found it was full of stones! Small stones, bigger ones and several onyx type rocks….all shiny and some were new looking (if a rock can be new) and some were very old looking.  On the backs of them were written single little words.

I wonder if this person knows that I write things on everything? Like my planters out front… and I have written on some stones too in my day.

But here is this wonderful little box of rocks. I love rocks.  They remind me of river beds and hikes, and good times spent out doors.  They remind me of memories….its like each rock is a unique memory.   So….thank you for the box of rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rocks are like little secrets too.  all tucked away..where did they come from? What weather have they seen? What storms did they ride out and make it through?

Just like us….riding out the storm…one rainstorm, one winter snow and one hurricane at a time.  This friend is from Mississippi.  I haven’t seen her in over ten years and she too has breast cancer.   Her storm will not end so well.   But she remembers how we use to gather rocks and shake our heads at my mother as she was always loading the back of the car with rocks when we went somewhere.  She remembered when I was 17 and we traveled to my grandfather’s funeral across Montana in the dead of winter.  My mother still gathered her rocks.

There was no note.  No letter.  She didn’t need to include anything but what she did.  The message was there.

Thank you for the present dear friend!  I will see you on the other side.

Do you know about your rights under the Women’s Health Care Act?  You should. If you get breast cancer, you do have rights with the insurance company that was covering you at the time of mastectomy.  These rights include paying for any complications that might come from a mastectomy.

Most of these things a normal person wouldn’t even think about, nor care until the time comes.  Well the time came for me and now I am in the insurance battle.  Being a paralegal (which I graduated from in 2011 but chose not to practice right now) has given me some knowledge in how to deal with and understand insurance coverage.  Below follows information that I found on the American Cancer website and copied for your convenience.  If you want to read more just search the Internet for the Womens Health Care Act of 1998. It has been updated since but that will always help you find it.

Women’s Health and Cancer Rights Act

The Federal law

The Women’s Health and Cancer Rights Act (WHCRA) helps protect many women with breast cancer who choose to have their breasts rebuilt (reconstructed) after a mastectomy. This federal law requires most group insurance plans that cover mastectomies to also cover breast reconstruction. It was signed into law on October 21, 1998. The United States Departments of Labor and Health and Human Services oversee this law.

The WHCRA:

• Applies to group health plans for plan years starting on or after October 1, 1998
• Applies to group health plans, health insurance companies, and HMOs, as long as the plan covers medical and surgical costs for mastectomy

Under the WHCRA, mastectomy benefits must cover:

• Reconstruction of the breast that was removed by mastectomy
• Surgery and reconstruction of the other breast to make the breasts look symmetrical or balanced after mastectomy
• Any external breast prostheses (breast forms that fit into your bra) that are needed before or during the reconstruction
• Any physical complications at all stages of mastectomy, including lymphedema  (This is the part I am fighting for).

Mastectomy benefits may have a yearly deductible and may require that you pay co-insurance. Co-insurance is when health costs are insured for less than the full amount and the patient must pay the difference.

For instance, the company may cover 80% of your expenses after you pay the deductible, leaving you to pay the other 20%. This 20% is also called a co-payment or co-pay. But any required deductible and co-insurance must be like those the plan uses for other conditions it covers. So, if a plan pays 80% for hospital and surgery fees for an appendectomy, but only 70% of hospital and surgery fees for breast reconstruction, that would violate the WHCRA.

Questions and answers about the WHCRA

Does the WHCRA allow insurers to take people off their plans so that they don’t have to pay breast reconstruction benefits?

No.The WHCRA does not allow insurance plans and insurance companies to kick people out of the plan or keep them from enrolling or renewing their coverage under the plan to avoid WHCRA requirements.

Does the WHCRA let insurance plans give doctors incentives to discourage women from having breast reconstruction after mastectomy?

No. The WHCRA also does not allow insurance plans and insurance issuers to penalize doctors or lead them to provide care in a way that does not support the WHCRA. Nor does it allow insurance plans to reward doctors who do not encourage their patients to look into breast reconstruction.

Does my insurance provider have to tell me that I’m covered for breast reconstruction under the WHRCA?

Yes. The law also requires that insurance providers notify you of this coverage when you enroll in their plan, and every year after that.

What if my state has laws that require insurers to cover breast reconstruction?

Several states have their own laws requiring health plans that cover mastectomies to provide coverage for reconstructive surgery after a mastectomy. These state laws only apply to those health plans purchased by an employer from a commercial insurance company. If an employer is self-insured, state laws do not apply but federal laws do. Federal laws (like the WHCRA) are enforced by the US Department of Labor.

A self-insured (or self-funded) plan is one in which the employer, rather than a commercial insurance company, pays for the insured person’s health expenses. Some employers that self-insure will hire a commercial insurance company to write the checks and track the paperwork, even though the money for the payments still comes from the employer. So it can be hard to tell whether you are in a self-insured or a commercially insured plan unless you ask.

If you are unsure of your plan’s status, ask your employer’s benefits manager. You can contact your state’s insurance department to find out if your state provides extra protection that will apply to your coverage if you are not in a self-insured plan. The WHCRA applies to self-insured plans that aren’t covered by state law and sets a minimum standard to be sure this service is available for all women in every state. This includes states with weaker or no laws covering breast reconstruction.

I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and plan to have a mastectomy. How will the WHCRA affect my benefits?

Under the Act, group health plans, insurance companies, and HMOs that offer mastectomy coverage must also provide coverage for reconstructive surgery after mastectomy. This coverage includes reconstruction of the breast removed by mastectomy, reconstruction of the other breast to give a more balanced look, breast prostheses, and treatment of physical complications at all stages of the mastectomy, including lymphedema (swelling in the arm that sometimes happens after breast cancer treatment).

This law sets a federal floor (minimum requirement) so that women can have breast reconstruction after mastectomy, even if they live in states that do not make insurance companies provide this coverage.

Does the WHCRA require all group plans, insurance companies, and HMOs to provide reconstructive surgery benefits?

In most cases, yes, as long as the insurance plan also covers medical and surgical benefits for mastectomies. But certain church plans and government plans may not be required to pay for reconstructive surgery. If you are insured under a health plan sponsored by a church or local government plan, check with your plan administrator about it.

Under the WHCRA, can insurance providers impose deductibles or co-insurance requirements for reconstructive surgery in connection with a mastectomy?

Yes. But the deductibles and co-insurance must be like those that are used for other benefits under the plan or coverage. The company can’t have you paying a higher deductible or co-pay for breast rebuilding than you would pay for other types of surgery.

My state requires the coverage for breast reconstruction that’s required by the WHCRA and also requires minimum hospital stays for my mastectomy. If I have a mastectomy and breast reconstruction, am I also entitled to the minimum hospital stay?

It depends. If you have coverage through your employer and your employer is insured, you would be entitled to the minimum hospital stay required by the state law. If you have coverage through your employer but your coverage is not provided by an insurance company or HMO (that is, your employer “self-insures” your coverage), then state law does not apply. In that case, only the federal WHCRA applies and it does not require minimum hospital stays. To find out if your group health plan is insured or self-insured (self-funded), contact your plan administrator.

If you have coverage under a private health insurance policy (not through your employer), check with your State Insurance Commissioner’s office to learn if state law applies.

Where can I get more information about my rights under the WHCRA?

If you have more questions or concerns, you can contact:

• The US Department of Labor, which has the WHCRA information on its Web site at www.dol.gov/ebsa/Publications/whcra.html, or you can call their toll-free number at 1-866-487-2365
• Your health plan administrator (a number should be listed on your insurance card)
• Your State Insurance Commissioner’s office [The number should be listed in your local phone book in the state government section, or you can find it at the National Association of Insurance Commissioners online at www.naic.org/state_web_map.htm. If you can’t find the number elsewhere, call 1-866-470-NAIC (1-800-470-6242).]

You may also want to check the “National organizations and Web sites” section for other sources of help.

Boy if you made it this far and I didn’t bore you to death that’s great. Because we as women are left out there to find our own way and our own path.  In times of treatment …it is difficult.  I am struggling with insurance payments and its awful!!

This can happen, unfortunately, to all of us.

Wow I am exhausted. I just got home. Its only a 250 mile trip but I took it alone and its the first trip out side the house since I got this cancer almost a year ago!  The driving got tiring coming home.  I think on the way I was so excited, I didn’t care.

I did not even take one pain medicine while I was gone. Tonight might be another story but not all week!  That is great. (Or maybe the margaritas in Cdal helped a bit with that? he he) Oh well its not often!

I love the drive from Seattle to Coeur d Alene. I get so full of anticipation as I drive down the hill on I90 into the Spokane area! I know I am almost home then!  I have lived over here most of the last thirty years but it still feels like going home.  My parents are gone from there now.  My father died in 94 I think it was and my mother is in Paulsbo in hospice but all my life long friends are over there!

I also went shopping at the dollar store! Stop laughing! Yes they actually have a dollar store that contains all the weird little odds and ends that you really need in life.  For instance, they have greeting cards two for one dollar!!  Imagine, birthday cards for 50 cents. You are not going to find that anywhere in Puget Sound. I don’t even believe they have a dollar store.  Here it would be a five buck store.  Everything is so expensive but then you know…you pay for the ambiance!  LOL

And we do have top notch medical care!  Thank you doctors!

My one year check up is just around the corner and I have to say, I am just a wee bit nervous.  I feel good but we all know that is not always an indicator.  Next week I think I have to get all my blood work done and then I don’t know what else.  I have to go to the ophthalmologist because they are watching my optic nerve.  You all know where that is right? In your brain!  This makes me nervous.

Whatever is….already is.  I have to remember that and just deal with it on day by day basis.  This day is a good day.  No one is guaranteed anything more than this moment.  That reminds me, coming across the prairie the wheat fields are all green….as I was driving I was thinking that I expected to see three large Teletubbies come running up over the horizon!!! What a scream huh? It was just like something out of the Windows Operating system old cardboard cover.  Doesn’t take much to amuse me, does it?   Oh well you must maintain your sense of humor.  Otherwise life will suck it right out of you. 

I loved seeing some of my friends I haven’t seen in a year.  It was good.  Its important to really remember why you love people and how it feels, in your heart and soul.

Life is such a gift….oh how I truly know this to be true.

Sunday is father’s day.  My Dad has been gone a long time now.  I still remember him of course.  I can’t say I remember alot of my time with him as being especially good…but I don’t remember it as being all bad either.  I remember him sadly as an angry person who was very hard on my brothers.  But my dad kept a very large secret in his life.  He kept that secret to protect my mother.  He loved my mother very much and would have done anything…absolutely anything for her and to keep her love.  Alas, it was not to happen.  She left him eventually.  But we all do what we have to do and only the two people in a relationship really know what happened.

But I felt my father kept my mother’s secret for the benefit of his family.   He put his family above his own personal ego and did the best he could.  I guess that is a man I can respect.  As I have grown up and aged,  I realize that a book is not always as it cover appears.  We have to go inside and see what the real story is.  So with this, I wish you a Happy Father’s Day dad, wherever you are!  And please forgive the artificial flower I placed on your headstone so hastily today.  I thought maybe the color would last the summer…I miss you!

Bonnie

Graduation Day – For Callie Girl

It’s a forward start
With an open heart!
Dream a big dream
Run by a stream.
You’re no longer a kid
The stars are your grid.
The world your map
So don’t take a nap!
Pack your sack
And sometimes… look back.

Aunt Bonnie 2013

Good Morning,

I sure hope that you all like swimming!  I had forgotten how good it was for your body to get out in the water and preferably with sun!  I have spent the last four days  swimming each and everyday for several hours.  Once I got in, I was hooked.

  The results on my frozen shoulder have been fantastic!  It started to move the first day I was in the pool.  First it moved higher up and then the shoulder started ‘popping’.  I was floating on my back.  I felt the tension throughout my entire body and yet I thought I was relaxing.

I focused and I could feel the knots in my back, down my right leg and into my right toes….all tense.  I practiced breathing and just letting the air go in and out as I floated.  Oh how wonderful.  My ears were now filled with water but I was still floating and not hearing anything.  It was wonderful.  As I gazed upward these beautiful clouds covered the sun but it still shown brightly through the clouds.  The sky was the most blue and the clouds all fluffy and floating by.  A black bird soared by.  It was almost like a dream.  And as all this was happening I breathed.  And slowly my body released the tension.  I could hear it through the water.  Snap here, snap there and then a slow grrrrr like noise as my chest wall broke scar tissue.

What I had been paying physical therapists for and massage therapists, broke free on its own.    Oh it felt so wonderful.

Until 3 am.  I can now safely tell you that don’t spend 2 hours in the pool your first time after a mastectomy or probably…any surgery!  And please, stay in the shallow end of the pool in case you develop muscle spasms which I did the second day!   That first night I was in so much pain I could not sleep. I could not lay down and I thought I was going to never get any sleep.  So the lesson here is ‘don’t over do’!  I hurt everywhere.

But like everything else in life, I have to dive right in and get the most immediately! So I am a slow learner.  My body however feels great now and I definitely am moving my arm almost like before…not as fast..but my range of motion is better.

As for what I look like in a swimming suit, well I don’t care. I am not out to win some beauty pageant at this time in my life.  I am out to regain strength and physical health.  and I am loving it!

See ya tomorrow! I am off to the pool!

Hi Everyone!

Have you ever wanted to change a habit?  How about create a new habit?  I know there are things I need to change to make my life fuller, richer and longer!  Having had cancer kind of brings this awareness to the forefront each and every day.

I look at the foods I eat.  I am making much healthier choices now.  But how about those days when we all feel like munching down on a cookie or having a regular soda cause we are on the run?  A habit….new or old…takes a commitment.  So I set out on the search for how you really change a habit.  The results were overwhelming but it seemed to me to narrow down to three things.  I identified those three things as The Trigger, the Reward and the Routine.

After I narrowed it down to those items, and we all have triggers.  Those are the little cues that once we become aware of, we can start to control our response to it!

I just finished reading a book by Charles Duhigg “The Power of Habit and Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business”.  I was reading it for my management course, it was suggested reading.  He calls the trigger a cue.  I prefer to think of cues in relationship to billiards!  So I am using trigger instead.  Because for food …its a trigger.

Since I already know what some of my bad habits are, I wanted to figure out how to create good habits.  And mine is about ‘exercise’ and being active.  For me, that right now is the hardest thing to motivate myself to do.  I have lots of time, so why don’t I do it.  I have been in recovery mode for some time.  Its now time for action.

If we have our three parts, we can break them down.  Duhigg’s book says for an example; and I like this one cause it is not about eating….what is the feeling that you have right before you crack your knuckles.  And alot of us can relate to that. I have a habit of cracking my back, right before going to sleep. I can’t go to sleep without doing it.  It’s been a night mare with my frozen shoulder because that is the shoulder that I use to pop. I have since learned to pop the other one.  What’s up with that? Why do I do it?

Popping joints gives you stress relief.  In some weird way, but is it positive or negative? Do we even care? Not at the time!  Next we identify the reward the behavior gives us.  If we walk to the receptionist desk, and I use to do this at the law firm I worked at, and pick up a piece of candy from the ‘free’ bowl, we probably do this to just be social with the receptionist or whomever is out front.  The poor receptionist doesn’t get her work done.  One sure way to eliminate this distraction is to remove it!

In the class I took concerning Changing Habits and Eating Healthy, they taught us to change the routine.  If you are cracking knuckles, rub your hands together.  If you are grabbing candy cause it is there, move the bowl.  Have other health snacks available.  This might mean going to the lunch room instead of the reception area.  Change your pattern.

The other thing I recommend, is to write it down.  Write down something like the following:

When ____________, (feeling like going to reception for candy)   I will _____________ ( go to the lunchroom and get my prepared snack   because this activity provides me with _____________________(reward).

Its all a trick isn’t it?  Changing that brain of ours to make a different choice.  I am trying to contribute towards not getting cancer back again, therefore I chose another activity.  I know this seems sort of silly, but over the long term it will change my behavior.  If I don’t change my behavior, I will not be happy with the results.

If I want to see what could happen, all I have to do is look in the mirror.  However, I have to remember that cancer isn’t all about every choice, sometimes it is the luck of the draw like my doctor said.  But I want to make healthy choices as much as possible to eliminate rewards I don’t want!  So I am going to try this.

If you try it, let me know how it works for you. I would be interested to know.  Left right left right, one day at a time.  Write it down and make baby steps towards your future! You deserve one!

Have a great day!