The Tree of Cancer

We all know that we need to get plenty of fresh water, but do we do it?  Not usually.  Or we drink from plastic bottles that may not be safe!

Okay, I do not mean to sound like a commercial here. Nor am I making any money from doing this, I just seen it and I think it is a great idea for getting fresh healthy water with you every day.

It’s called the Gobe H20 bottle and it is environmentally safe, and it has an internal filter.

This is a picture of it.  Currently it only comes in blue, but they are adding colors.  It has a hard outer surface, but a flexible rubber like circle that you squeeze as you drink.  Its totally environmentally safe.  I know at home my water leaves a red wring around the

I first seen this on the Shark Tank.  I thought it was an awesome idea, and I knew I would buy one!  Right now you can get 10percent off by going to their web site.  These bottles aren’t cheap.  They are like 29.99 a piece without the discount.  The filters are good for three months.  Why didn’t I ever think of this? But with having cancer, I am concerned about having a safe drinking source.  Now I can have it right in my home, and drag it everywhere safely. No more tap water.

You can check this out online yourself.  Just search on Gobie Bottle and it will pop up.  Currently, they are only available online but will be in stores soon.  I think this guy had a great idea, and we should support the little guy.  Everybody should have a Gobie bottle.

I wonder why they named it that?  Topic for another day.  But like I said, I am not getting anything out of this financially.  I just thought it was a great idea.  It has a little hoop like thing at the top, so you can even text while you are holding the bottle.  I like it!!

Have a great day!

Good Evening!

The best part of my life is not behind me, I believe it is in front of me.  Older and wiser, certainly after the experience of having breast cancer.  Many times in my life, I have not told myself the truth.  Or, like many of you perhaps, we choose to live in denial.

But living in denial can rob us of truly living today.  Cancer gave me the gift of getting to know myself.  I have heard from countless patients, how their family was not there for them when they were diagnosed or during treatment.  I am glad I do not stand alone. I will not take it personally.  People do what they do.  I do what I do.   I learn from my past and move forward…always moving forward.  It doesn’t do alot of good looking back unless you learn something.

Next week is the big five month check up.  I have been rather nervous about it.  The feelings started sneaking in about a week ago.  Feels like the grim reaper is lurking somewhere.  Get out I tell it. I have no time for you!  Its negative, and I fight to push it away.  So I am coming to a decision point.

The truth of the matter is, I had cancer in two places.  Not just one.  I had invasive cancer.  But neither cancer area had spread beyond the breast. But what caused the cancer in the first place?  I am just a computer person and I don’t understand all this medical jargon, and analysis. I have spent endless hours researching treatment, medications, and I tried the Arimidex for nine weeks.  That sucked.

However, I pay this oncologist to tell me what to do.  Then I should probably do it.  I could search out a second opinion, but why? So I could get the same thing or worse diagnosis?  I just want to run away and pretend it didn’t happen.  But I can’t do that either. It is a constant reminder nagging physically on my left side, scar tissue clinging to the left arm stuck tight against the chest, not allowing me to lift the arm.  To much tissue is left under the left arm.  Oh it isn’t a pretty site but…but but but…I am alive, and people keep telling me to be grateful.

It isn’t that.  Its the stark realization of my life.  And it scares the shit out of me.  I don’t want it to be over, and I don’t want to suffer either.

I would much rather think about the sun.  Think about and play with my new little kitty.  I selected the kitten with one eye, that was born on the day my first surgery was performed.  The surgery that removed the invasive cancer and possible saved my life, for now anyway.  I named the little guy Mason.  After the hospital I had my surgery in.  The building I stayed up all night long in, staring at the streets of Seattle as the rain drizzled down and the street people wandered the night.  I didn’t know how to sleep with the drain tubes in so it was safer to just stay awake and look out at the city.

So….my cat has his own You Tube Video!!  How about that.  He lost his eye when the big tom cat beat him up when he was little.  Seems fitting I would have a cat with one eye named Mason.  We are all a little less than whole in this house but we all have big hearts, determination and an inherent desire to survive and thrive!

Welcome Timmy Mason to my family.  I will enjoy him.  Now I have to go find him, because he is hiding under the bed.  But when I go in there, he is curious and climbs up on the bed…way down at the end…and then he rolls over and kind of flirts with me…like he is saying “maybe this home will be a safe place for me…and she will love me”.  Yes, I think she will.

Hey Everyone,  Hope your spring is going wonderfully!  Easter weekend in Seattle could not have been better.  The weather was perfect and the sun was out late with the clear skies.  What a treat!

I love my animals. I always have.  All my life, animals have provided great comfort for me.  They are unconditional in their love, always glad to see you, and always glad to go with you.  Well at least the dogs are glad to go.  Cats, not so much! Ha Ha!

Having a pet has been proven to reduce blood pressure.  Older individuals live longer if they have a pet.  Everybody needs something to love and unfortunately, in our busy everyday lives, families and friends are busy doing their own thing!

An interesting article appeared on NCB today:  http://www.nbcnews.com/id/30990170/ns/health-health_care/t/music-medicine-docs-use-tunes-treatment/#.UVtkMjfHz5M

This article tells of the healing effects of listening to music while recovering from surgery.  I know I listened to Andree Bocelli until I wore out the CD after my mastectomy.  I found it so comforting and energizing too.  After I had listened for a full hour, I felt like getting up and being active.  Does listening to music do that for you too?  I would like to hear what readers think.

Is having pets and listening to music just our way of talking ourselves back to health? Does that matter? Does it matter the journey you take to recover as long as you do recover?  I know that when I was stressed and feeling anxious, it was so hard to get relaxed.  Cancer is one of the most fearful diseases I have ever encountered.  At least when I was diagnosed with diabetes, there were things I could do to manage and control it.  Cancer stops for no one except probably the surgeon’s knife.  It fights the chemo, and it ignores the radiation as long as it can.

I also have been reading an interesting book called What Healthy People Know by Dr. Bob Gleeson, M.D.  I read the book with interest.  He talks about colorful fruits and veggies every day in your diet.  So many of us have dieted all our lives, trying this one and that one.  We now know that yo yo dieting is not good for health.

So what can you cook that is easy and healthy, and hopefully tastes good for meals?  My Scandinavian background always included carbohydrates of potatoes or rice, and of course bread, at every meal.  We didn’t have much rice, and as a kid I didn’t care for it.  But the infamous potato was present everywhere.

Today scientists have proven that vegetables of color are the very best choices in our diet.  Green and Red and orange peppers; broccoli and cauliflower, beets and cabbage, and don’t forget onions!  Tonight I had a nice entree of onions and red/green cabbage sauteed in  butter and olive oil.  To go along with it, I chose a white fish baked 15 minutes at 325 degrees and a whole grain dinner roll.  It was yummy!

Previously, I would have not chosen those things.  Well, maybe I would have had the fish but twice as much.  And I definitely would not have had cabbage anything.  Funny though, now, I like that.  Its good for me, tasty and it’s enough.

I am struggling with the exercise.  Some days I just forget, but other days I get out and walk and walk. And now I think I will try taking my Ipod along and listening to music, at least out of one ear.  You have to pay attention so you don’t get ran over on these streets!  Do you have any tips for making exercise a priority?  What do you do? Do you do a healthy reward for completing your activity?  If so, what in particular (and no, I don’t mean a slice of chocolate cake!!).

Change doesn’t happen over night.  I have had a lifetime of poor habits and they won’t leave all at once.  But having a mastectomy is definitely a life event for motivation!

I hope its not to late.

Bonnie

I was thinking today, about the people I have met along the way in this journey called “Cancerville”.  Sigh……so there are some good things about this travel.

I have met two fantastic people online, both surviving and thriving but both terminal diagnosed.  Fantastic people they are.  Strong, fighters, and both Mom’s who love their kids more than anything!  They have strength to fight their battles to get one more day here.

Its people like them that are the inspirations!

Every morning, I check their blogs and their twitters to see what’s happening.  I don’t think it would be the end of the day if I didn’t check Ann Silberman’s But Doctor I Hate Pink’s blog and facebook.  The blog entries are few and far between now, but when she writes she has such power and conviction.  She has taught me to apologize for nothing and to keep on ‘keeping on’.  She never gives up no matter how many times she almost loses it.  An amazing woman, who won the 2012 Blog of the Year award.

The other woman who I greatly admire has pancreatic cancer, and is a young mother of two small boys and her name is Ashley.  She writes a blog called Cancer Kickin Girl.  She is young and beautiful and so full of potential.

I am so saddened to see the wonderful people I have met, suffering so.  I am sad for myself too.  Nobody wants this disease.  Its all just sad, and each of us does what we can to make it through but there are no guarantees.  I wonder if we really learn, that this time, this moment is all we have?  I don’t want to leave thinking life was a disappointment.  And then I realized, the problem I was  having was not with life but with me.  I didn’t finish what I came to do.  I have been blessed with time, I think.  So what am I going to do different?

That’s the question.

Tomorrow I am going to go look at the tulip fields.  Maybe the answer is there.    Stop laughing…..if nothing else the fresh air will be good for me.

Good Night

Have you ever tried to understand all the tests that come from the lab after an appointment?  What do they all mean, and how can I find out what they mean?

Well, we all know our doctors don’t have the time to explain everything in detail.  Its important to list out your questions before you get to the doctor’s office because as soon as I get there, I forget everything I wanted to ask.  First, the assistant starts out with your blood pressure, and that in itself raises your blood pressure.  Of course, she is asking you questions and you are squirming on the seat to get comfortable.  I don’t want to answer any questions when taking BP, because it will be higher.

Then, the assistant finds that your blood pressure is higher, and comments on it, and that causes you more anxiety!  Talk about white coat syndrome!    Maybe she is right, goes through your mind. Maybe there is something wrong with that now?  No, take a deep breath.  If you really have any questions or concerns, get your own blood  pressure cuff and start tracking it at home.  Take the cuff with you to the doctor’s office and have them check the calibration.  That will keep your cuff up to date and working accurately.

So what are some of the basic tests, and how concerned should we be?  I guess that result, is really up to our doctors.  But I will tell you that for a couple of years, before I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes my doctor said “you glucose is a little high” each time I went in.  Well, why didn’t I ask what he meant by that and why didn’t he tell me that was indicating blood sugar problems leading to diabetes? I might have done something to take some action!

Prevention, is a lot easier, than maintenance after you get a disease!

There are several online medical applications that will take your test results.  They are all free.  They will compare and analyzer  your test results that you get from your doctor too.  I like to think of it as a check and balance quality control check!  The doctors don’t always like it, but then they are paying attention…which is good.  They are busy.  We need to be proactive as patients and get the care we need!

Blood tests are good for other things too.  Like, peace of mind.  If I can see improvement from 9 months ago when I had cancer, it makes me feel better.  The thing is, my results look worse now.  But that is only my look at them.  I have to remember, after three surgeries and all the stress of it all, it takes a toll on your body.  Therefore your results may not look as good as you would like.

I still have to find out from my doctor how they can tell where the hormone levels are at in my body.  I will update you on that after the April 12, appointment.

Meanwhile, I purchased a Merck book.  This is the doctor’s guide and it is very useful although difficult to read at times.  It can scare anyone into thinking their symptoms mean something!

All in all, we most importantly just remember to go on about living our lives, loving our families, and going forward because each day is a gift.  And even if we are not here, the sun will still come up tomorrow and life will go on.   Go make your impact, and leave a legend!  The time is: 

Happy Friday Night,

A lot of you are probably just crashing after a long hard week at work.  I never thought I would miss working, but I do.  However, I am really enjoying going to school also.  I am taking a class on organizational management and there is a course chapter about entrepreneurs and intrapreneurs.

whoa.  I re-read yesterdays post.  I am starting to sound like me again.  Way to busy.  Sometimes it really helps to go back and read what I wrote before!  I don’t do that.  I just press on.  I know I am making progress and this blog has really helped me.  But I look at my posts, and I don’t want to go that direction – the direction of being so focused and driven that nothing is good enough.  Oh, am I worried about repeating past performance and over doing it? Am I worried about a reoccurrence of cancer?  Sure I am.

The world of cancer is bizarre because no one can tell you what caused it.  My primary physician said “maybe it was just bad luck”.  I go right in to the stage of grief called “bargaining”.  I won’t do this and I won’t do that anymore.  Eating has become a conscious priority, with diligence spent on eliminating processed sugars and processed foods.  But exercising has not yet become an involuntary process.  It takes work.  It takes ‘awareness’ and in my face goals.

I know that I didn’t do anything to get this, and in my head, I know I will do what I must to keep it away.  But I don’t want to take those pills.  They made me feel terrible. I am more afraid of the consequences of taking Arimidex than I am of fighting cancer.  But cancer can come back with vengeance and it is serious harsh business.  I don’t want it back.  Ever.

But will I change?  I guess that is the question.  how much pain and misery does it take to make one change.  And do we ever really change.

What is good enough for our lives?  How much time is enough time?  What about quality versus quantity?  The problem is, it’s harder to die than we think.  Cancer is not a quick exit normally.  Nope, it takes its time and makes your life miserable.

In the future, I might quit writing this blog.  I am trying to find my way.  What does all this mean, and what am I suppose to be doing with the time I have left.

Have a good  night.  Enjoy that glass of wine.  Enjoy sitting on the sofa with your kitty or loved one.  Enjoy a cuddle. This moment will never be back, and did you spend it wisely?  By the way, I want my flowers when I am on this side of the grass!!

I am standing on this street corner.  Just pick one.  I don’t even know what to say next.  I am in the gerbil wheel of life.

I use to always tell people …..just pick…even if it is the wrong one…at least you will move and it will be ‘different’.  Now I think, well is different any better?  I should trust my previous knowledge.   I am thinking the glass is half full…or maybe I am thinking the glass is 2/3 empty…yes, that’s what I am really thinking.

Today, I am cleaning up around here.  Yesterday, was makeover day for me.  I got my hair done.  Thank God cause it was terrible.  Now its just ‘mediocre’ but its better than it was.  Aren’t I positive today? (eyes roll).

Left, right, left right all around the town.  somebody give me a hand, I need UP.

So I wish I was in Hawaii.  Carrie is in Hawaii.  I guess I better just do what I can right here, right now.  Its not that bad.  Its all good.  I just have to keep repeating that.

I think I am just lonesome today.  But I have dinner and fun later tonight.  Happy St Patty’s day everyone.  Maybe the day calls for a little pub run!!  Have a great day!

Hi,

This post is about the thinking I have been doing. I have had many hours to contemplate my life since getting breast cancer.  Fatigue is one of the most common and distressing side effects of cancer and all its  treatment. Fatigue from cancer treatment is often more intense than the feelings of being tired we all have from time to time.    Because I am not taking chemotherapy, and I didn’t do radiation; I didn’t get that type of fatigue.  I am wired.  To heal, I have to get rest.   That has not been easy, so I spend many hours thinking.

So what’s up with that?  I can’t sleep. I am not groggy.   But when I do feel like a nap is in order, I listen to my body and I go lay down.  I have also started practicing ‘quiet’ time. I remember when I use to give it to my kids when they were little.  No nap? Fine, you lay down and rest your mind.  Make a list of all the things you are thankful for.  This always worked for my youngest one, who was the most active.  She would toss and turn for an hour or so, but more than likely 20 minutes into a little rest she would doze off.  She was so beautiful then.  Quiet, not into anything.

Quiet time is good.  My mind has been so busy for many years working at Microsoft.  I was always saying I never had time to sleep…that there would be plenty of time to sleep when I was dead.  That now, is a scary thought.  Its okay to sleep, it gives your body time to heal.  I have had to learn, that its okay to slow down and live.  You can still live, just quieter, and enjoy what you have.

Where did all this moving come from?  I think my cancer has its name on it.  Busy, always busy, working, traveling, running the kids from one thing or another.  When I was in my 20s my brother was killed in an accident. I know this impacted me extensively.  I felt obligated to get out and experience everything and as quickly as possible. I was reckless with my behavior.  Moving houses, was like changing clothes to me.  More money? Bigger house.  More Money, travel the world.  Sky dive, race cars, married, divorced: repeat all

Maybe in rushing, I missed it.  Cancer said ‘wack‘ slow down.  But in the late 70s, a young mom, everything was changing.  Women were changing.  We were leaving. We were all leaving something.  In the past, it was the men that left. Now, we were being told to leave.  And leave we did.  We went back to college, we moved across country, and what happened to the kids?  They went with us.  Everywhere in the media women were being told that we could lead, be successful, we didn’t have to take the traps and confines of a relationship that no longer fit.  We were different people.  Roe vs Wade lead us into the land that we could do whatever we wanted with our bodies.  We were in charge!  and charge we did.  We opened business, we changed partners, we tried living abroad, we were hippies, business women, and definitely not stay at home moms.  We changed men like shoes.  Whatever came in a can or box we opened it and fed it on the go.  Soda pop, and we wondered why those kids wouldn’t take a nap?  Erica Jong’s book The Fear of Flying, was like my bible in those days.  I could do anything, be anybody, go anywhere and we were all GOING!!  It was a generation that walked away.

Between 1967 and 1977 the divorce rate in the United States doubled.  Did we confuse freedom with movement?

So what did this do to the children?   From a child’s perspective this must have been confusing.  Children, given a choice, would rather not change or do anything at all.  To grow up as one of these children “Was to grow up with compromise, disappointment, experimentation, and strange people around” The liberation of the young women, locked in between two generations themselves, came at a high cost  to the children.

Entire books have been written on this topic, and I just gained some awareness the past six months.  I have been thinking about my kids alot.  How different their lives are than mine was.  They have both been married for a long time to the same man.  They have good marriages, I like both their husbands.  I like them better than any husband I had.  They live in the same place forever (anything over 3 years to me is forever), they home school their children.  They don’t trust public schools or other kids they don’t know to ‘influence’ their children.  At one time I had a hard time with it, now I see they have gotten a good education, and they don’t seem to be socially harmed from not being exposed to their classmates being shot, or bullied.  How the world has changed!

The  children today are driven to everything. The adult children now raising this new generation of kids, are obsessed with giving them everything, taking them everywhere, nannies, co-op day cares, safe clothing, parental controls on tv, stranger danger, and on.   I never even seen my parents when I was age 9 to 14.  I was gone on my bike, and then my car followed that.  We did nothing together as a family. It wasn’t even a concept I knew about.   We didn’t even eat dinner together. Today, my oldest daughter does everything with her kids.  The youngest one choose not to have children (like what’s up with that).  Neither one of them would ever ever break up their home and leave. I am not saying any of these practices has a good or bad value on them, they are just generational.

So, how does this all come back around to cancer.  Cancer has afforded me the luxury of having time to think about all this.

The parents of today eat organic.  They don’t feed their kids out of plastic bottles and plastic cups – that will give you cancer we’re told.  They wash their vegetables and fruit before eating.  They eat a balanced meal, and basically eat whole and fresh.  Red food dyes…don’t come near there house ( red licorice…I don’t think so). They want their beef organic, no pesticide spray.

I think many of these things are great.  I am a little sad for the past and to have been a part of the history that so strongly took this country in the 70s.  On the other hand, we worked hard for the liberties that have been afforded to women, and I hope those are not lost on this generation.  There was a time when you did not have a choice.  When we were so segregate as a country, by race, gender, laws, and other people having control over are choices.

Many different factors go into a family, and a generation.  I don’t think there’s a right or wrong. I think its different.  I think we evolve.  Hopefully our love can survive the wave.  I certainly didn’t set out on this journey to hurt the kids, a la contrary…it was to protect them.

And sometimes in doing things, we get an entirely different outcome.

Bonnie