The Tree of Cancer

How do we accomplish what we say we want?  How do we know what we really want?  How am I going to accomplish what I really want? When I wake up in the morning, what gets me up and what is going to get me up in the future?

Having cancer changes you forever. It takes awhile to recover from the fact you just went through treatment, are still alive, and contemplating what is next or what is left, and what is   life to be.  But definitely, my priorities are different.

So I have been searching, talking to professionals and this is what I have come up with for a plan.  I am going to create a clear focus, where I am, and where I want to be.

I need a reason to get up in the morning. We all do.

My wish for this site was and is,  to create hope  for cancer patients, cancer survivors, and for those of the professional community who want to see what’s working, what’s not working in their patient community. I would love for it to be an open communication where people respond, contribute, learn and celebrate!  It’s what I could contribute, but I am getting ahead of my myself. The following, can be used by anyone who is trying to find their way, set goals, it doesn’t have to be life focus…it could be smaller. But it works.

————— Three steps from my mentor:

First:  Focus  I am creating a clear vision of what I want.  I will make it compelling, with impact, fun and creativity.  It will pull me to get out of bed in the morning to accomplish it. Focus will give me energy.  And I will know where I am and where I want to be.

Second:  I will get the tools ..the best tools, and the right tools.  I will start with a map  (a destination) and a mentor.  Why a mentor? Well they know the shortcuts, they have the knowledge because they have ran the road before me.  I will model a successful person…why not stand on the shoulders of a giant? They leave the best clues.  They know the bumps in the road. Start with what works.  If you were dieting, you go get an expert, and you follow their advice. If its financial, you find a financial expert.  If its the cancer world, you get expert advice.

Third:  resolve inner conflicts.  Sometimes I sabotage my own success by fear, and by living life off an old life blueprint. What makes me think I don’t deserve this?  How many times have you paused yourself in life, and said oh my parents wouldn’t approve, somebody might not like what I think, all looking at blueprints that stifle your very light, energy and creativity.  Let go – unlock and unleash.  When I am in conflict, it pulls my energy away from my focus.  So this third step is very important, and you have to do it, or you will destroy ‘focus’ and ‘tools’.

So first I am going to identify to me, what is most important today.  I am going to align my life with what is most important to me today. And then I am going to build my tool box.  For me, it might be making sure I have the best physical therapist to help me regain my strength back. I want my body back!  I want my muscle tone, I want my arm to work, and I will deal with the grief, loss, and learn from it.  That’s not to say I won’t go through it.

My doctor is another tool.  Making sure I have the right team. I think my team was pretty good. I have to make sure I have the right team going forward.  That might include my medications.  I need to resolve my conflict I am feeling because that conflict takes me away from my focus.  That might include my pharmacy and pharmacist who manages my medications.  It definitely includes a physical therapist.

• Energy and drive are created by focus.

•  Start with what already works rather than trial and error.

Inner conflicts must be resolved . Remember, if you want success…you can’t want free time as focus.  These pull in opposite directions.  Two steps forward, three backwards.  My mentor said life is about 80 % psychology and 20% mechanics.  But if you have inner conflicts,  I want to be rich but I don’t want to work…well its not going to happen. If I want to be healthy and cancer free, then I have to do what the ‘best’ doctor in my toolbox is telling me to do.  If that doesn’t happen, it won’t be because I didn’t try my best.  It will be because life stepped in and said no.  I can accept that.  This life will end, and I know that.  But while I am here, I can make a difference, be happy and present.

That comes to the next two final phases:  celebrate (and I mean really feel the joy, and strength)  and then contribute.  I will celebrate my successes, and then I will pay it forward..I will give back.  I don’t have all the answers yet, and I am still wading through all these changes and conflicts.  But I am beginning to see the rainbow through the rain.

So I invite you to stick with me as I explore this new approach.  I have to go off and think about it now.    Thinking stuff through creates direction, strength, faith in yourself and what you are doing, and results in ACTION!

Have a great day!

Hey Everyone,

Today is Martin Luther King Day.  I mentioned a challenge the other day of finding a surprise you can do, something helpful, in secret today in honor of MLK day.

I know people are doing things like this all over for different things.  For the kids back east, that news announcer (I can’t remember anybody’s name today so I am just going with the flow) challenged people to do 26 good deeds.  Thats alot.

I am just suggesting one good thing today.  I don’t know what I am going to choose yet, either.  I think I  will just go out into the world, and let serendipity lead the way!  Its good for me to get out.  I have spent way to much time in the house.  Now I am organizing my time better.  Before, I was busy with treatment, and trying to find a new job.  Like, how ready was to do that?  but I would have.  Since then I rewrote my resume four times, for different type of positions.

Someone suggested I listen to Tony Robbin’s tapes, and I did that.  They are free online and he has a good 20  minutes speech I think I put a link to.  He is so positive, and motivating.  Because someone fed him and his mother when he was eleven, he has been feeding the world ever since…8 million people last year.   See….adversity can be good for you!!  Although, its hard to see it at the time.

I think I will go visit my other friend from the bakery, and surprise her with a new pillow!  She mentioned she would like to have a heart pillow.  Which I have been making, and giving away…  I have the perfect one, its purple with soft pink in it.

Pink…..I am not to fond of  pink anymore either. Don’t ever expect to see me with a pink ribbon tattoo.  but I have actually  been thinking about getting a tiny tiny tattoo of an open heart.  Either that or I should do the NBP….no blood pressure on my left arm.  Oh that would be lovely.

Maybe a hummingbird, or the red bird I seen outside my window.  I got it………I will get a removable one first!! LOL

off to have a good Saturday.  Take a moment to do the secret good deed!

Someone’s sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago

This was taken the day I started working downtown.  I was sitting under a tree.  I wonder how many millions of pictures have been taken of the Space needle? When I was there I was thinking there was something wrong with me. I had the cough from hell.  But nope, the doctor said just bronchitis. That cough would haunt me for six months until my diagnosis. I have not coughed since. Coincidence?

Well I have identified all the local area support groups, and I am off to one tonight at a local hospital.  Its good to know where these groups are and what dates.  Nothing appears to be consistent, but they do have schedules.  I just haven’t felt up to going out at night, (heck I haven’t even gone out hardly during the day), but I will tonight.
 

Tonight’s topic is ‘Exercise…getting started”.  Well I am all over that. I feel like I have turned into a marshmallow.  but its important to get the right exercises and instructions.  So a hospital should be a good place right?

I don’t have much to say.  I am just enjoying  peace and quiet.  Its January, cold outside, and feels like a good time to just rest.  I got my books for school, and I cannot believe I have to take pharmacology for this health informatics degree. Oh what was I thinking?  I hope my brain is working, and , remembering.  Chemistry?  Okay lets give it a shot this morning.  Maybe if I read one month in advance I will get it!

I hope you are all well, and at peace.  peace is good.  Next month I have to go back to the oncologist and I am nervous already.  I am doing all I can do, and eating right.  and I promised I wouldn’t worry.    I have five physical therapy sessions set up, and one at 11 so I better get going.

Have a good day.  I was trying to put a funny picture in here, and I just can’t seem to get it in. but you can check it out on my facebook page

Bonnie

8 weeks post mastectomy surgery today!  Cancer gone, body still feels like crap most evenings which is better than all day long.  Good days though!

Now what.  God in her infinite wisdom has placed me in uncertainty.

The emotions after cancer are difficult to focus.  What is the meaning of this.  Is this the end of a journey or a new beginning?  This creates emotion in a person.  I think emotion, creates Motion.

I have just felt so grateful the past two months.  Now that emotion has settled down (it was huge and overwhelming) what does all this mean? I don’t know if grateful is absolutely the right word. There are over 6,000 emotions according to the National Psychiatry Association…of which less than 12 are about good feelings.  I think I am feeling good feelings now, I have felt pretty numb for awhilet.

I think now more than before, I feel the need for connection and love.  And I want to love more than the two dogs!  LOL  Although they are pretty hard to beat.  Those little girls have been with me through thick and thin this year.  They had to sacrifice too, and I am busy rewarding them now with long walks, although they have to wait for me sometimes.  I let them both on the bed and rub them like crazy, and give them hugs and kisses and it makes them both wiggle in delight.  After five months of not coming near me, they are back.  There’s nothing like little dog sensitive noses and cancer. The dogs hate it!  They wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.  Talk about alone, I felt abandoned by even the dogs.

But now I am moving on to a new target, and new map.  What is my map?  What do I want to do with my time?

Well, I signed up to go back to school and get a degree in Health Information, through WGU.  I can finish in one year.  I felt compelled to get into something right away, because I can always finish it and have something firm in my hand, that was completed.  I finished my paralegal degree and it only took six weeks to figure out I disliked doing that.

I think I have the need to contribute to something beyond myself.  Do you know what I mean?  Last year, I worked in Spokane with juvenile kids in the court, and I loved that.  Working with lawyers in an office, puke…did not love that, and do not love business law.

Cancer has prompted me to focus.  When you face death, it does that to you.  You realize now is the time to give your all.  What does that mean? Serve somebody else.

Focus on meaning.  Thinking.  And the door shall be opened.

Meanwhile, now don’t laugh but I signed up to work for the IRS to do senior income taxes. Its only Jan  – April, 15th.  But maybe by then  I will have a plan and if not, that’s okay to.   Is it the end or the beginning??  

Bonnie

I had the most interesting weekend.  I was so bored, and sick of being in the house.  Its been really cold in Seattle, and if you know Seattle cold and moisture can make it quite uncomfortable.  Arizona is colder than we are today.  But the one thing that was nice was the ‘sun’!

I put on my warm clothes (after the Seahawks lost) and set out for a walk.  About ten minutes into that, I found a warm spot near a tree and just stood there and absorbed the light rays.  Hopefully, I generated some vitamin D.  It was too cold, so I went and got my car and headed out.  I didn’t know where I was going, or what I was going to do.  I drove around, turned right where  I normally go left.

I drove by a little bakery that I know has cookies just like my grandma use to make. I hadn’t been there in years so I took a chance they still might have those little white powdered sugar delights).  I went around the block.  Should I? I just had this draw to go inside.  So I did.  What the heck, what will two cookies matter. I will go home and get on the treadmill.

I walked in and the lady behind the counter said hello.  I said it was cold and wanted three (oops) white cookies.  She bagged the cookies and I kept looking at her, and her looking at me.  She just tossed it out  to me that she had just finished her last cancer treatment.  Breast cancer? Yes, she said.  Yes, I said, me too. She said she was done with with treatment, and I said ‘me too!’. Cancer free  (knock on wood I thought) both of us!

We then had the best conversation!  Over an hour!  I didn’t know I could stand that long.  I know I am getting better.  Last visit to the oncologist I could only stand up about 20  minutes (around the 12/12).  It was amazing. We had almost the same cancer.  But then, she threw me a left curve.  I asked her when was she diagnosed.  November 2010.  “And you are still in treatment?”  Yes.  Hers was stage 1, and mine was stage 2.

What the stages mean basically are, both of them did not spread outside the breast.  Hers was smaller than mine and in only one place, but it was invasive also.  Which means it broke outside the duct an spread into surrounding tissue.  This is totally not good.  The difference was I had two positives, Estrogen and Progesterone; and she had three, mine plus HER+.   Now I absolutely understand why my oncologist said it was a very good thing I was not HER positive.

Here I am, six months from diagnosis, and my cancer is gone.  Well so is my left breast; and I am done with the actual treatment except the Hormone blocker meds.  She is starting the same medicine I am taking so we had a long discussion about that. Of course, everybody is different but she felt relieved I think, that I said it was not bad, it isn’t even 2 on a scale of 1 – 10.  I think I feel  better even.

But surgically our treatments were similar and radically different.  She had two surgeries on her tumor site, just as I did.  But her second one was clean; so she didn’t need a mastectomy.  But with a lumpectomy you then have to do radiation (30 treatments or so) with a port placed in your chest somewhere to kill everything.  Then she followed with a year….A YEAR…of chemotherapy treatments!  That was because of the HER+ result.

Well, thank goodness I didn’t have to do that.  But she saved the breast, I lost it, and I have the arm inflammation to deal with, which was horrible in this bad weather.  She lost her hair, but that comes back; my hair broke off but its coming back (and I mean it broke off almost to the head) but …oh well.  And, of course she did all the preventative stuff which I didn’t have to because we removed it.

What a ‘coincidence‘ that I would drive aimlessly, stop at a store where she was working all by herself and no customers came in until the end.  An Asian woman, around 40 joined our conversation and expressed her concern over not knowing her family history because she was adopted.   We both encouraged her to just take charge of her own health and history, and get a mammogram for a baseline while she is still young (hey 40 feels young when you are 60).  And we told her we had no history that we could really verify.   Its smart to just get your mammogram, get regular physicals so you can find and manage any condition that shows up in your lifetime.

Wow, I made a new friend yesterday, maybe two!   I don’t believe in coincidence…what a nice day it turned out to be! Excellent!  Absolutely excellent!

Okay, so I was wrong about the Broncos! What a letdown.  This goes to show you that what you think is going to happen, turns left at the last minute.  There you go….different results from what you expect!!

This happens so much in life.  We have relationships we don’t know how to get out of, other relationships end that we thought never would.  As in any type of relationship, whichever way it goes – there is healing.

Healing:  (source Dictionary)  adjective 1. curing or curative; prescribed or helping to heal . 2. growing sound ; getting well; mending. noun 3. the act or process of regaining health

Healing as its defined, does not happen instantaneously.  (I however have awfully high expectations of it happening…snap).  Therein lies my fate….being patient, growing sound, mending.  And I am mending.

Everyone is different in how they heal.  Everyone needs to figure out how to deal with a stressful moment, and how to heal after that moment.  That Deepak Chopra guy, which I am not really in to, but I have been checking out his sight on the internet lately…hey it can’t hurt to know how to meditate and relax.  He had, what I thought was a good point about healing and thoughts…the quote follows:

“1. Stress isn’t good for you. 2. The vast majority of people do not deal with their stress effectively. Coming to grips with these two things is important for anyone who wants to create a conscious lifestyle. To be aware is to be open, alert, ready to meet unknown challenges, and capable of fresh responses. When you are under stress, these qualities are compromised. Raise the stress high enough and they are reversed. The mind closes down as an act of self-defense. In that state it is very difficult to be alert and open.

But stress is bad for you in far more basic ways. The hormones that are released in the body’s stress response, such as cortisol and adrenaline, are meant to be temporary. Their effect is to galvanize the fight-or-flight response, which is triggered in a primitive area of the brain, because fight-or-flight is an inheritance from our pre-human past. In the stress response, a privileged pathway is opened for dealing with emergencies, while at the same time the brain’s higher responses are temporarily suppressed.”

I know that’s kind of long, but it struck at my core, that I was under stress for a long period of time, and my mind was not conscious of what it was doing.  In the past, I have taken things to damn seriously.  I have always been finding a cause to defend, or jumping into having the answers and help everyone, or letting myself get manipulated by family members.  AND I HELPED NOBODY AND PARTICULARLY NOT ME.  And I am stopping that behavior. See…I always go to extremes.  But I will gently remember, how to make these changes in responding to others differently but positively for me.  No more adrenalin and cortisol for me.  The path that happens is suppose to happen.  Yes, I still love my friends and can offer, but not own it…if you know what I mean?

I guess what I am saying is, I am letting it all go.  LOL  Have a great day!

Hi Everyone,

I am diverting to something fun for the weekend. I am watching the Denver Bronco’s slaughter Baltimore  3 for 9 on first down.  And tomorrow of course is the big Game, Seattle and Atlanta!  I have interest in these cities. I lived in Denver for a while in the early 90s, and I have always loved the Broncos.  John Elway….the good ol’ days.

So tomorrow, another day of Football.  It makes a great diversion.  We cannot think about The C Word all the time.  In fact, its very healthy to focus on something else, to relax, yelling and screaming with friends!  I’d like to have a beer but I suppose that is out of the question!!!!!!!!!A Pepsi would be a real splurge!

Its good to have balance in life.  Fun is a good thing.  Life is way short to handle it to seriously all the time.  With that, I need to get back to the game because it is suddenly closing in on the Broncos. Oh no!!!

back later perhaps.  Have a good day. If you want to do something for me….go have some fun that makes you belly laugh, scream or holler!!!

Go Team!!!!!!!!!

Something I have been thinking about recently is genetic testing for cancer.  I have two daughters.  I have several nieces and nephews.  This impacts potentially, all of them.  Yet they are all silent.

Nobody wants to know.  Most days, not even me. I want this to all be over and I live happily ever after cancer free.  I promised my surgeon I would not worry.  So I am not going to ‘worry’ as much as I can, but I am going to be an ‘informed consumer’ I will call it.  Hopefully that will keep me alive longer rather than playing ignorant.

I have conducted some research myself, reading different web sites, mostly from Duke, NIH, John Hopkins.  I can understand most of it, but some of it is over my head.  Each cancer is so different, analysis of the numbers and comparisons are mind boggling. But here’s what I have learned simplified about BRCA1 and BRCA2 testing.  A lot of my curiosity on this started in 1988, when my good friend Olga, died from ovarian cancer.  Following her death, all three of her sisters succumbed as well.  I knew that at the time of her death, she had breast cancer as well but they weren’t even bothering to treat that, because the ovarian had control and was running the show.

Here’s what I think I know.  Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

The names BRCA1 and BRCA2 stand for breast cancer susceptibility gene 1 and breast cancer susceptibility gene 2, respectively.  BRCA1 and BRCA2 are human genes that belong to a class of genes know as tumor suppressors.

In normal cells BRCA1 and BRCA2 help ensure the stability of the cell’s genetic material  and help prevent uncontrolled cell growth. Mutation of these genes has been linked to the development of hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.

Okay, so How do BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutations affect a person’s risk of cancer?

Not all gene changes, or mutations, are  harmful. Some mutations may be beneficial, whereas others may have no obvious effect. Harmful mutations can increase a person’s risk of developing a disease, such as cancer.

A woman’s lifetime risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer is greatly increased if she inherits a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2.  This woman has an increased risk of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer at an early age  and often has multiple, close family members diagnosed with cancer.  In my case, there were no close family members with cancer, and I was older (One of the primary reasons for getting cancer is just aging after menopause).

Harmful BRCA1 mutations may also increase a woman’s risk of developing other cancers:  cervical, pancreatic, colon, and uterine.

Harmful BRCA2 mutations may additionally increase the risk of pancreatic cancer, stomach,gallbladder, bile duct and melanoma.

Men with harmful BRCA1 mutations also have an increased risk of breast cancer and, possibly, other male types of cancer.  However, male breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, and prostate cancer appear to be more strongly associated with BRCA2 gene mutations.

The likelihood that a breast and/or ovarian cancer is associated with a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 is highest in families with a history of multiple cases of breast cancer, cases of both breast and ovarian cancer, one or more family members with two primary cancers (original tumors that develop at different sites in the body), or a Jewish heritage (not in my case).  However, not every woman in such families carries a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation, and not every cancer in such families is linked to a harmful mutation in one of these genes. Furthermore, not every woman who has a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation will develop breast and/or ovarian cancer.  This is good to know, however it makes me wonder if testing is a good idea?? The other population I read about was, Norwegian heritage also contributes to this(that’s me).

According to estimates of lifetime risk, about 12.0 percent of women (120 out of 1,000) in the general population will develop breast cancer sometime during their lives compared with about 60 percent of women (600 out of 1,000) who have inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2. In other words, a woman who has inherited a harmful mutation in BRCA1 or BRCA2 is about five times more likely to develop breast cancer than a woman who does not have such a mutation.

Lifetime risk estimates for ovarian cancer among women in the general population indicate that 1.4 percent (14 out of 1,000) will be diagnosed with ovarian cancer compared with 15 to 40 percent of women (150–400 out of 1,000) who have a harmful BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutation.

———-

So this all raises interesting questions.  Do we want to know or do we not want to know.  Its a simple blood test, but the testing is relatively expensive.  I have already had cancer. I am probably going to assume I do have some DNA mutations somewhere, but am I going to do anything?  I don’t know.  What should I do?  Take off the other breast, remove my ovaries?  My kids are grown, I don’t know that I care for me.  But I might care for them.  They could be proactive, and potentially know about the possibilities, and make choices.

My choices have already been made.  They were made by a generation of relatives that didn’t talk about illnesses or share information.  It might not have made any difference anyway. But it would have been nice to have known.

Now you know.  Don’t be an ostrich with your head in the sand.  Share health information!  Somebody’s life may depend on it.  I take that back, many people’s lives depend on it.  This information contributes to research, and the future generations.

I have given you some things to think about.  If you have other valid information that may help, please feel free to add comments.  I have followers that are Jewish, and they may have more information than I found.  Thank you all.

Wow, I am hot!  This is almost funny if it wasn’t so weird.  I woke up this morning and I thought what the heck, did I turn up the furnace during the night?  Nope, it was set at 68 degrees.

Oh well I thought, maybe Iam getting sick.  I didn’t feel so great last night.  I dug through the junk drawer (yes I have one) looking for the thermometer to take my temp.  I found it, and after wiping it off,  I stuck it under my tongue, and went about making my cup of coffee.  My single cup… which I have been indulging myself .  I don’t   particularly feel bad, but wow it is hot in here.

I took the dogs out, and left my coat inside.  This is supposedly the coldest day this winter, about 38.   I feel quite comfortable.  The dogs hurry back in, and Mimzy dives under her blanket.

The thermometer says 97.8.  Well I don’t have a fever.  I drink half the cup of coffee and realize quite quickly, that this is a mistake. What the hell, I must be 105 degrees by now.  I get out an ice  pack and put it on top of my head and then it dawns on me.  This is a hot flash.  The side effects of Arimidex, I assume.  I haven’t had a hot flash in fifteen years.

Well, thank God it didn’t last to long, about an hour and a half.  I hope this is not a regular occurrence.  So I decide to check everything this morning, blood sugar 138 – not bad for me, blood pressure…oh oh…155/63…..am I coming to a stop or is that to high?  Usually that is 130/73 like clockwork.

I have a nice healthy breakfast, with extra protein powder and forgo any more coffee, and choose juice instead…four ounces only, orange with extra calcium.  Then I proceed to take all my pills, vitamins, wait 20 minutes and follow it up with a tums because I feel like a bloated goat looks.

All is well in the world of recovery.  (I think).  Now its time to exercise and get into reading my school stuff.  I have to hookup a camera on this computer, so my instructor can see me when he calls.  I am going to have to change, and get dressed early every day now!  Can’t have professor peaking in and seeing me in jammies with hair standing on end! Maybe I can point the camera upward?

The following are a list of celebrities that have faced breast cancer:  40,000 women this year will die from breast cancer; one out of every 8 women will be diagnosed.  Men are also on the list below.  Men are usually diagnosed in later stages because of lack of awareness.  Early detection is life saving!

Edie Falco:  Nurse Jackie

Jacklyn Somers – one of Charlie’s Angels – all three had cancer

Gloria Steinam – a leader in women’s rights

Suzanne Somers – Three’s Company

Kate Jackson – another Angel

Christina Applegate – Double mastectomy

Melissa Etheridge – singer and song writer

Olivia Newton John – actress and singer “Grease”

Richard Roundtree – actor

Rue McClanahan – The Golden Girls

Jill Eikenberry – LA Law actress

Ann Jillian – Actress, double mastectomy 1985

Sandra Day O’Conner – supreme court justice

Lynn Redgrave – actress

Shirley Temple – one of the first to go public with mastectomy news

Sheryl Crow  – Singer

Nancy Reagan – First lady

Judy Blume (Its me God, Margaret) author

I am sure there are probably many more.  But its just amazing how much cancer there is in our world. Amazing and sad.

This list makes my heart sad.  But, on the other hand, they have all survived so far. (Rue died from a stroke, 12 years after surviving breast cancer).  First lady Nancy Reagan underwent a mastectomy in 1987, and was at the forefront of vocally expressing the need for mammograms!

But why do we have to get this anyway?